All That I Have Learned....

It has been almost three years since I have been active on this blog. I keep it so close to my heart and I still get letters and emails often from people telling me their personal stories of pain and loss. Writing this blog has helped me cope with painful losses/ miscarriage(s).

I am so thankful that someone out there is reading and my words might be helping in some small way. If this is the case I have accomplished what I set out to do and that was to become a blog resource for you and to remind you that you aren't alone.

I want to share some new information with you that I have learned over the last few years. Some may apply to you and some won't. Skip over it.

I have become pregnant again and am due to deliver just a few days before we celebrate our daughter's 3 birthday. Trust me - it has been an adjustment! (Read GO GIRL! for more information on the journey. My immediate thoughts, to this day are .... what if we lose it?

How will I make it through the first 12 weeks sane - and then the rest of the pregnancy? Those questions do not go away even if you have had a successful birth. Somehow, they were really out of control for the first 12 weeks...of the first and now second pregnancy. I kept waiting for the ball to drop and I was in sheer denial all together. Self preservation, what can I say?

The pregnancy pursued but complications ensued early on - and this is what I want to share with you. I mentioned in an earlier post that you MUST find the best OBGYN possible. I don't care if you have to meet 10 before you find the one you like. THEY are working for you! They have to know you are going to have a laundry list of needs and will be needing a higher level of attention than someone who has not experienced miscarriages, etc. Don't apologize for wanting the best care - you deserve it.

These are the things I would ask for right out of the gate: Tests for any type of blood clots or auto-immune diseases. When you are newly pregnant they can perform a blood test that will give the Doctor's a # to work with: Ask for HCG levels. If the number grows, the pregnancy is viable. If the number drops you will inevitably have a miscarriage. They have tests that they can run to identify all of this.

THINGS TO CHECK RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE!!

• -Check your thyroid
• -Do a CBC and have them watch your blood plateletts (Steriod Treatment)
• -Do a check for blood sugars even if you are early in your pregnancy (Diet, Exercise , Insulin)
• HCG Levels right when you discover you are pregnant
  

MAKE SURE when you find out you are pregnant to check HGC Levels:

HCG, or human chronicle gonadotropin, is a hormone made by the pregnancy that can be detected in the mother's blood or urine even before the woman's missed period. This hormone is what we look for with a "pregnancy test".

HCG is first detectable in the blood as early as 7-8 days after ovulation by very sensitive HCG assays (research assays). In real life, blood pregnancy tests will be positive (> 2 mIU/ml) by 10-11 days after HCG injection or LH surge.

In general, the HCG level will double every 2-3 days in early pregnancy.

85% of normal pregnancies will have the HCG level double every 72 hours.

HCG levels peak at about 8-10 weeks of pregnancy and then decline, remaining at lower levels for the rest of the pregnancy.

There is a large variation in a "normal" HCG level for any given time in pregnancy.

Pregnancies destined to miscarry or to be ectopic (tubal) pregnancies tend to show lower levels (eventually), but often have normal levels initially.

Some normal pregnancies will have quite low levels of HCG - and deliver perfect babies. Caution must be used in making too much of HCG "numbers". Ultrasound findings after 5-6 weeks of pregnancy are much more predictive of pregnancy outcome than are HCG levels.

For women that have had an HCG injection as part of their infertility treatment, the hormone will take about 5-14 days to clear from the woman's system, depending on the dose and the individual woman. This can causes problems with interpretation of pregnancy tests done earlier than 14 days after an HCG injection.

Make sure you talk to your Doctor about the benefits of taking a baby aspirin each day. Talk to your Doc about the benefits of adding progesterone into your regiment for the first 12-16 weeks if not the whole pregnancy. Many women miscarry because they simply don't have enough progesterone to hang on the the pregnancy. THIS IS SUCH AN EASY FIX!!!

Make sure you have access to a Perinatologist. Really important if you are high risk. They will do more ultra-sounds and watch the baby really closely. They will be the eyes and ears above your OBGYN.

Every woman's pregnancy is different. I had no idea that when I go pregnant my body would literally take on all of these odd disorders. Right down to back problems, Pubis Symphonists Dysfunction, Placenta Previa, Autoimmune Thrombocitapenia, Gestational Diabetes, Hypothyroidism, Anemia.

Well, that is enough to ware a person out for sure. There are so many things that can go RIGHT during a pregnancy and so many things that go wrong. Be your best advocate. If you don't know something call your Doctor.

We are do to deliver early, via C-section in July 2009. We are excited and this pregnancy had been tough physically.

I want to thank you for all of your notes, your emails. Please hang in there. Getting pregnant can be brilliant and tough. Having healthy babies is a miracle - one I don't take for granted at all. There are a lot of great resources out there now (way more than when I started writing this blog in 2004.) Take advantage of the information but don't go on information overload.

Email me at ashley@ashersolutions.com I love hearing from you!

Coming Back Around

It has been a long, long time since I have written. I wanted to keep this "place" sacred and dedicated to miscarriage and finding my way home. I started writing this blog when I experienced my first miscarriage. I wrote to try and escape the pain. This was my hide out. This is where I came in the middle of the night when people were sleeping and I was weeping. This place has been so very important to me. I visit it often.

I wrote more and more after I lost the second pregnancy. I got really angry and really determined to figure out what was 'wrong with me?' I went through a battery of tests. I remember talking with my husband a few months after we lost the second pregnancy. We talked for a really long time about what our lives would look like if we didn't have children. We talked about how that would feel and if that is something we could live with? We talked about adopting. We talked about trying, one more time... just one more time.

And we did. We tried. And through medical intervention, I was able to carry a pregnancy and give birth to our daughter in July 2006. We felt as if we had witnessed a miracle. We still feel this. She is amazing. We are so blessed. I am thankful everyday.

Almost two years has passed since I gave birth. And I still don't ever forget about the babies that came before. I won't ever forget. They are part of our lives.

I have had a few friends recently who have lost pregnancies and I am so very sad for them. I ache and wish I could say something that would make the pain go away. What I have learned is that the pain just dulls. As time goes on... you get used to the losses. I am not sure it every feels okay. We learn to live with the loss.

When I look back I wonder, how in the hell did I manage? How did I find the guts to get pregnant? Truth is... I was a wreck through my entire 3rd pregnancy. No doubt about it. I would pee and just wait for the other shoe to drop - for 9+ months. Not a fun way to live - but it was the reality. And it was worth every single minute.

To this day we are still testing for the causes to my miscarriages. I recently had to have surgery, totally random, due to very painful endemetreosis. During the surgery they ran tests and found that I actually DID NOT have a blood clotting disorder - like we once suspected. Rather, I don't make enough progesterone and I also do not break down folic acid normally. So random.

There are so many things that can go wrong. So many things that can go right. The bottom line is the entire pregnancy thing is a miracle. I know, I know... cliche. But true.

We are wondering if baby #2 is something we want to try for. We are torn. Pregnancy is so hard and scary. The results so unpredictable and amazing. We have a lot to think about for sure. And I am just so thankful that I came to this special place - where I wrote and continue to write. It has been my refuge. My sanity. And I am also so happy that if this place is safe and helpful for one other person -who is suffering and sad, scared and angry - then I have made a difference and that is huge.

When I lost the babies, I didn't know who to turn to, who to talk to. There wasn't anything out there - that I could relate to. I hope, if you have landed here - that it helps.

More to come,

Ashley

Brilliance

She's here. I can't believe it. I waited all my life for her... and she is here. Scout Elizabeth Kingsley was born on July 13th, 2006. Our baby girl - she is with us now. I was on bed rest for a large part of my pregnancy - and couldn't write - was too distracted, too scared, too tired. I never knew if she would make it - but she did. So, after two sad and difficult losses, we have a baby girl. She is now almost 10 weeks old and is the love of our lives. I can't imagine life without her and we feel so blessed.

Life is so unpredictable. I never thought I would lose two pregnancies - and for me they were babies. And I never thought I would have a blood clotting disorder which we have learned is genetic and my father passed it to me. I also didn't think that I would develop a blood platelet's problem at 6 months. Long story - but another disorder with my blood. I never imagined that I would have a C-Section and was thrilled when she came out two weeks early because my back was so bad it was recommended that I not attempt labor. I never thought that being a Mom would bring me total and complete peace after a life filled with anxiety. I never thought I could love so much, so unconditionally, so fast.

Scout has taught me so much. Losing taught me so much. And without losing the first two I wouldn't know Scout. The mere order of things would have changed everything.

I believe there are no coincidences...

I am breathing easy now... and enjoying each and every second.

Belly

Today, I am fifteen weeks pregnant. Getting through the first trimester was tough - but we did it. With all the sickness, tiredness, hormonal changes and worry that we might miscarry, I have to say it wasn't pretty.

But we are plugging along. With lots of worry for sure. I thought I would breathe easier after the first tirmester - but I think having pregnancy after two miscarriages is very difficult. One would expect the worst I suppose.

This is a blog for those who have suffered the very silent and tragic loss of a baby through miscarriage. Now that I am carrying a baby I write less. I know what some of you that have lost must feel when you read this post written by a now pregnant woman.

What I do want to say is this:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE
YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT - BUT IT TAKES TIME
TALK ABOUT YOUR LOSS - DON'T SUFFER IN SILENCE
BELIEVE IN YOUR BODY -TRUST
FIND A GOOD DOCTOR - AND I MEAN GOOOOD DOCTOR
TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR MEDICAL LIFE - DON'T LET DOCTORS RUN IT FOR YOU
BELIEVE... THAT YOUR TIME WILL COME

I don't know much - but these are the things I have learned. For now, I am pregnant. I am counting my blessings. I am thankful. Cautious. And I know you are out there. Just remember you aren't alone... there are so many of US out there and WE don't have to do this alone.

Be well,

What I Have Learned...

If I didn't have two miscarriages I would not know that I have a blood disorder. For that I am thankful. After the second miscarriage I guess when I did my blood work they discovered (but did not tell me) that I have a blood disorder called "Anti-Thrombin 3". I have neglected to do any reading on this disorder as of yet. I am trying to focus on the fetus inside of me and taking care of myself.

Today, I am 7 weeks along. Due to the blood disorder I am taking baby asprin and prednisone to help with the clotting. Apparently, my previous pregnancies never had a fighting chance. When you have a blood clotting disorder the fetus cannot receive all the nourishment that is needs to survive. Who knew? Apparently, had my second pregnancy had some kind of intervention - it could have been saved. Now that will keep you up at night- especially since my last OBGYN neglected to even mention I had the disorder and never did an intervention? How can science be so ... inconsistant?

Needless to say... I am pregnant now... and I have to say... I am feeling crazy in general with the steroids and the hormones (they also have me on progesterone). I am totally irrational and pick fights at any given opportunity. I am on partial bed rest and bored. YES... I am willing to go through this BY ALL MEANS. And... I am crazy. I think my husband has about had it with my shitty attitude.

I grew overnight and went from my clothes to maternity clothes (at 6.5) weeks... how is that possible? I am not kidding... I look three months pregnant. And while, again, I welcome the changes, it is quite shocking! My whole body spread out... it is the most amazing thing I have ever seen! Exciting and a bit confusing I think.

We saw a heartbeat- a little blink...like a tiny little star... so tiny. And it is still - day by day.. just waiting. Hoping. Praying.

I feel lucky. Also, a but isolated for some reason. Lonely... alone. Not sure why?

Hurry Up and Wait

After several months of peeing on sticks and wishing, hoping, wishing that we would get pregnant... we are. We are pregnant!! Not that fertility has ever been the issue. Keeping the pregnancy is. We found out about two weeks ago. I have to say there isn't a whole lot of "celebrating" going on. I think it is self-preservation?

I am happy and scared and terrified and excited and hopeful and thankful and so very, very uncertain what will become of this pregnancy!

We are 5 1/2 weeks along...very new. We found a new OBGYN - she is great...she has been in practice for 30 years. She is from India and doens't mess around. So far, I have learned that I have a blood clotting disorder that my previous OBGYN's neglected to tell me, hmmm... so typical isn't it? My new OB is Dr. Varma, in Denver. She has been very proactive and has put me on baby aspirin, progesterone, and prednisone.

I don't know anything today... other than that I am TIRED. HUNGRY. SCARED. And waiting... to see if this is going to be a viable pregnancy??

This waiting in the wings is hard as hell.

Take Your Business Elsewhere!

People have now caught onto the BLOG. Now… like everything else people have to find a way to capitalize on something
and abuse its original intention.

I come to the space to write about MISCARRIAGE. I come here to talk about my feelings and emotions as they relate to having lost two pregnancies and how it affects my life, my family and my choices as a women.

I write about pain. I write about growth. I write about experiences that relate to LOSS. I research for resources and this has become a place that other people like to visit when they have experienced similar losses.

The people that are coming to this website and posting their business information make me FUCKING SICK!!! Do you have NO integrity? No heart?

You are so desperate to sell real estate, pills, drugs, mlm, whatever it is that you have to go to blogs and create links in people’s guestbook’s to appear as if you really give a fuck?

I get emails everyday now from this site- no, not from people who are actually reading it and maybe relating but from someone trying to sell something!

You have no idea the kind of boundary you have crossed. This is not your business board. This is not your forum to post messages
about ANYTHING that relates to YOUR BUSINESS. STAY OFF this website. Go somewhere else. Abuse another forum; not this one.

Stay the fuck out. This is my home. This is my space. You are not welcome.

For Fucks Sake...

I like that saying... "For Fucks Sake." There is a ring to it. Something about the word FUCK is really comforting. Some find it so terribly awful. I enjoy it. So, here we are... lets see... it is 2:30am and I am awake. Imagine that? I am not sure why I cannot sleep... could it have something to do with the fact that I have phantom pregnancies every month... and that I am up at all hours of the night peeing... hmmm... Probably. That would keep one up.

I thought the phantom pregnancies would subside. But they have actually gotten worse. The last month has been difficult again - just when you think you are home free from pain of miscarriage (s) it comes to haunt you... it crawls deep into my soul... and I cannot escape it.

The worst part is... that we have tried for a few months to get pregnant- and nothing. Nada. Zilch. I spent my whole young life using condoms and fearing getting pregnant. What would happen if I got knocked up as a teenager? Or in my 20's? Then, I immediately thought I would abort. But I never did get pregnant. Not until I was married and ready... and then it didn't work.

And it still isn't working. There is something distorted about this. It becomes an obsession... I am going to go into debt just buying pregnancy tests! I take them even when I know for sure I am not pregnant. It is a sick and twisted way to torture myself. I even get the ones that have the "PREGNANT" or "NOT PREGNANT" it speaks to me. In my head the test is reading "NO, ASHLEY, YOU ARE NOT FUCKING PREGNANT SO STOP TAKING SO MANY TESTS!"

Ohhh, the mental gymnastics is exhausting. Do I want a baby? Yes. At least... I think I do. But then I worry- as I have mentioned before... do I want it now more than ever because I haven't been able to have one? Do I want a baby because that is what is "supposed to happen" in life? Do I want a baby because my soul aches for one? There are days where I actually try and convince myself that life would be so much easier without the trouble of children and pregnancy.

And then I see my Mom and Dad. I would be so lonely without my children driving me crazy like I do them... or making them laugh, or pissing them off. I couldn't imagine not having a child... Someone to hold and laugh with.

I don't know anymore. It is almost a year since my second miscarriage... I can't believe how far that seems from right now and how much has changed.

We are going to try... try... try... but the -in-between- time is tough. Am I or aren't I? Each month its own sick rollercoaster. Sometimes I just want off the ride.

Pissing Monsters

It has been far to long since I have written. Partially, I was getting further and further away from some of the pain and thought taking a break would be good. In reality, on July 4th, the day I was to give birth- my husband and I tried to conceive. I thought that would make me feel better... and it did.

We tried at all the right times. And soon enough, I had the signs. I knew it! Yeah, I am pregnant I thought to myself! My boobs were sore, I was peeing like crazy... I felt sick and was very tired. I took a pregnancy test two days after sex (I know, I know...) then another test five days after, and then I took another and another. Then, I went to my Doctor's and took a blood test. And then another pregnancy test after that... and then, just like clockwork, I got my period.

What a fucking nutcase? Who is this person that I am? What a total nightmare! I can't even tell you how relieved I was when I finally knew that I wasn't pregnant! I wore myself out... and what kind of child would I be raising? Talk about obsessive compulsive?

Now, I ask myself... am I mentally capable of getting pregnant and baring a child? I don't even have the wherewithall to use common sense around taking a pregnancy test? How am I going to rasie a child? Or even carry one for christs sake?

We stopped trying. We have gotten busy. I am again conflicted? How do women do it? How do women get pregnant, have jobs, lives, husbands and kids and stay sane? If anyone knows, please, do share the wealth? How does one stay sane after two miscarriages when trying to conceive? I am at a loss.

Since, one of my friends gave birth to a healthy baby girl- her pregnancy was flawless (or at least she made it look that way) and another one of my friends is 10 weeks pregnant. I am really happy for both of them! I know how exciting it is... I remember what is was like to be pregnant and have that innocence! I have another friend trying ... It is all around and always will be in some shape or form. Certainly, this week has been a little tough as it is more in my face than it has been.

I am still unable to visit the mittens we hung at the cemetary. My husband goes. I can't. Not yet. I still sometimes feel so broken. Like my body is broken? I feel confused? I feel unfit to mentally handle a pregnancy should we get pregnant. And then I hold a baby (because I can now) and it feels so damn natural and I yearn. It is so biological - amazing.

I just have no idea....what to do. And maybe that is okay?

Should Be Giving Birth

I should be giving birth this weekend... I was due July 4th. This has got me by the balls. I did not anticipate the due date to wreck me so. But it is. I feel such an emptiness... one that no matter what I do, I cannot fill. Let me tell you... I have bought more summer tops at TJMAXX than I will ever be able to wear in a year. I bought DVD's which I NEVER do... I rarely need to see a movie more than once. Spending money has always been my weak point... or perhaps my way of filling empty places.

I am so sad. Mad. Pissed. Angry. All the emotions that I have felt are gripping me right now. I picture what my belly should look like bursting with a 9 month old baby inside of me. I don't have a belly...

I do yoga. I get enough sleep. I talk to friends. I spend money that I shouldn't. I eat fairly well. I have good support... but no matter what... I feel lost.

I wonder if I will feel differently after the 4th. After the day passes. I don't remember the first due date being so hard... maybe it was.

I am screwed today.

Shits & Giggles

I have successfully held several babies in the last few weeks. Without crying or feeling envious or sad. I have seen big pregnant bellies... and will admit that I was a little envious of that. I have heard screaming babies... and I have to say... I am NOT envious of that.
I think about pregnancy every day. I think about my miscarriages, every day. I have gotten to a place where I believe I am "healed" enough to try again soon. I am glad I have waited.

Tonight, just for shits and giggles, I peed on a stick. Now, I KNEW I wasn't pregnant because it would be an absolute bloody miracle, immaculate conception if I was... But there is something about seeing two pink lines that excites me. I guess this is me just wishful thinking.

Life goes on. But it ain't easy. Getting through the last two losses has been such a journey. Such a trial. I cannot believe how amazingly strong women are... we really do have some serious strength.

Anyway... life moves... time passes. I never forget the little ones. Not even in my dreams.

As Is

I am at the point where I can hold babies and be around them. It feels like a giant leap. Something has lifted. I am doing better. It has been one year ago June 9th that I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I cannot believe how fast the year has gone and at the same time I can't believe how long and difficult the last year has been. On July 4th, I was supposed to give birth to a second child- conceived on my first anniversary. This won't happy. But other things good will. I will be surrounded by the people I love and I will have hope in my heart.

As of now there is no trying. No trying for a baby that is. We want to focus on our lives, our jobs and the home we are selling and the one we are potentially buying- if all goes well. Maybe then we can make another nest and give it our best shot.

No more tests for me... not for a while.

Just life. Just as is.

Miscarriage Outloud

I can't tell you how many people have written over the course of the last 5 months regarding miscarriage. I originally started writing this blog because I needed a place to grieve on my terms. I needed a place where I could go whenever I needed to and write, cry, tell my story, find some sort of peace, if only for a moment.

Not only have I been able to do all of these things- I have also been able to do something else that is one of my biggest priorities now. I have been able to TALK about miscarriage. TALK OUTLOUD. WRITE OUTLOUD about one of the biggest medical mysteries of our time. Truly, this has been so healing for me and so powerful. So many people ignore the subject all together. Most, turn their head the other way when the words are spoken M-I-S-C-A-R-R-I-A-G-E - people react to it as if it is either a dirty word or a new planet that has not yet been fucked with by NASA.

It is the biggest loss of my life... both of my miscarriages. I won't be the same. I won't ever forget. And I won't just BOUNCE BACK... I WILL TALK ABOUT IT- even if it makes others uncomfortable- because somehow... People ALL people need to know the facts- what little there are. That indeed, miscarriage will touch someone close to you- I guarantee it. That miscarriage is largely misunderstood and mistreated - let me rephrase: the patients of miscarriage are largely MISTREATED. That miscarriage is a LOSS... That most people think it is a gathering of cells- nothing yet, right? NO. Actually, it is a baby. From the second you pee on the stick and see two pink lines... you are a mother. And I am no pro-lifer, right wing Christian advocate here folks... but I now know what it is like to carry a child- partially. And it hurts that both of our babies slipped away.

So, I write ths blog because it gives me a place of freedom. It gives me a place to tell my story- because my story keeps going on- even though it is almost one year since my 1st miscarriage and just two months away from my second due date. I was supposed to give birth on July 4th, 2005. My story doesn't stop at the loss of our babies. I think that was the beginning. I feel as if I am on a crusade. A crusade to get a dialogue started.

IF you have lost a child through miscarriage or know someone who has- there is an incredible network out there. This is one of hundreds of places you can go and know that you are NOT ALONE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO FEEL ALONE... if 1 in 3 women miscarry at some point in their reproductive lives- then girlfriends... we got company.

So keep writing. Keep sending your messages. Keep feeling the pain. Own it. Know that it doesn't just "go away" and life doesn't "just return to normal." It changes you... and makes everything different. Just make sure to heal. Mourn. Talk to your friends and family... and most of all don't ever hide behind the topic of MISCARRIAGE. We cannot afford to shelve this reality anymore.

Thank you to everyone who reads... it means so much to me....

It Didn't Kill Me

I just saw my friends baby for the first time. This is the friend that I had to alienate when I lost my second pregnancy and she was in her 3rd month. I couldn't handle it. Her baby is amazing. He is beautiful- so is she. It was great seeing her. I hugged her and cried and somehow, holding her baby was healing and amazing. I am glad this happened. And though I do not have a child of my own I will hope and pray and wonder. Maybe one day. What's important is that I saw my friend. I saw her baby. I touched them both and it didn't kill me. It made me stronger.

Cannot Find My Way Home

It seems no matter how hard I try I cannot find my way home. Where I was before I got pregnant. Where I was before I lost two babies in miscarriage. It seems that this deep seeded anger and hurt will not go away. They just bury themselves deeper. Oh, sure, I am able to laugh with the best of them again... tell a joke, be with friends... go to work without hiding in a bathroom stall, even eat. But I cannot shake the pain. The emptiness. The feeling of "I should have had a baby right now."

I see Britney Spears splashed everywhere with her bump. Now, Jennifer Garner. My friends... my family... it is everywhere and always a big fat reminder of what I can't have and what I don't have.

Do I think having a baby will complete me? No. It won't make me happy. We are the only people that can make ourselves happy. But to have the loss is so hard- so terribly sad. I see so many people let their children run wild with no supervision and it is so unfair... why do they get to have kids and I don't? What did I do wrong?

I am in tears today... and have been thinking about my blog and thinking about writing... and what has happened to me since I lost the babies is that I cannot have any down time. It is near impossible for me to be idle. I used to be able to stare out the window and daydream.... now I have to be doing something. I have to have my hands busy. I have to be busy period- even when the moment calls for relaxation and down time.

I am physically tired and have been ill for three days straight because of this new "busy habit." I am often too tired to even daydream anymore. I am always concerned that the floor is swept and the windows clean... far before daydreams.

I had my interview with Aliza- she came to the house camera and all to talk about miscarriage. http://www.moonbowproductions.com/ Silly me... I thought I could get through the process without shedding a tear. HA! Who in the fuck was I kidding? The camera rolled and tears were streaming out my eyes. I had to recall every detail- and was thankful for the experience... though didn't need to "go there" again really. I hope that the documentary gets wide distribution. please show your interest- tell your stories. The more WE talk and share the more OTHERS will listen to our pain and sadness and realize that miscarriage is a LOSS and needs to be recognized in all communities around the world, especially, the medical community, who so blatantly has a disregard for the entire phenomenon. Please show your support for this "in process" documentary and for the topic of miscarriage anywhere you can. We need voice and words to this frequent tragedy... Nobody wants to talk about it.... I can't not.

So, tears still fall. Babies are still being born. Strollers occupy the parks and streets. Babies laugh. My arms feel empty. My soul still heavy.

We Don't Have to Suffer Alone...

This coming weekend I will meet with someone from the miscarriage blogging community. This will be a wonderful experience. She is doing interviews throughout the west about miscarriage and women's experiences. She is writing a book and creating a documentary on the subject.

My hope is that her book is published widely and that her documentary takes off. The topic of miscarriage is so UNDER discussed and UNDER recognized in this society- it needs and commands attention.

That was my motivation for starting my blog- I was desperate to have someone to talk to about all the things that were going on inside of me - It was of a certain urgency that I talk- SPEAK about miscarriage- so I could get it out and so that others could hear - and share in the experience. It is such a painful, awful, terrible, sad, horrible loss. Nobody should ever have to go through it alone, in silence- like so many women and men do.

This weekend I will do my best to convey my experiences - and hopefully the messages will span wide and the book project and documentary will get the attention it deserves.

Here are some of the questions I will be asked:

Give a brief chronology of pregnancies, births, miscarriages, abortions, etc.

Describe you miscarriage (s) - Physical Aspects

- Discovering you were pregnant
-Medical Interaction
-How did miscarriage happen
-Signs, Symptoms, Warnings, Feelings,
-Finalizing, outcome, D&C or Natural

What emotions did you go through before, during and after?

How did your partner act/react?

How did you feel the medical community treated you?

How did friends/family react?

What were your thoughts/feelings on trying again?

What happened next? (If another miscarriage, repeat 2-7)

What do you wish you knew then that you know now about miscarriage?

What do you wish had been differently by the medical community?

What have you learned about yourself since your miscarriage (s)? About your partner? Your friends? Your family?

What was the hardest thing about your miscarriage(s)?

How did the miscarriages(s) affect you spiritually?

What did you do, if anything, to memorialize the miscarriage(s)?

What have you found most helpful during this process?

What advice would you give other women who have miscarried?

These are all questions and emotions I have to really revisit this week before the interview. They are great questions- they take me back to places I don't necessarily want to go- but have to go. Somehow... this topic has to be broached. And right now, this is how I feel I can contribute. I can't stand to think there are millions of women out there right now suffering quietly....

We do NOT have to do this alone...

I Am There... Holding Your Hand

I have been thinking and dreaming a lot about the birth of babies. I have a friend who is four days over due to give birth...right now... and I have this vision of being in the room while she delivers her baby. In this vision I am very happy for her. I am very happy for me for being happy for her. I see this as growth.

But this vision will not happen. Not because I am not happy for her. But I had to self-preserve months ago when she began to grow a healthy pregnancy and I lost my second one in a row. I pulled away from everyone- not just the healthy pregnant ones. And as a result that friendship is fractured. She felt abandoned and I needed space and time to recover. I am not sure what the right "way" to go about this situation is? I couldn't be around babies, strollers, pregnancy, anything related to the topic. I then couldn't be near her or anyone who was pregnant. Hell, I could barely be near anyone, pregnant or not.

I feel better about feeling better. I am growing further and further away from the daily hook of pain deep inside my soul and gut. And then sometimes I feel guilty for feeling better... like- jeez, it has only been 4 months since the 2nd miscarriage- shouldn't I be feeling bad? But I do feel better. Life has moved into a new direction. In previous posts I have questioned my desire and motivation for a child at all. I think this is physiologically based (self preservation) again. I am sure that I want a child. I think about it more and more. I have other things that I want right now as well. I want to excel at my job and really get a foothold in the professional world. I want to succeed. I want to make a mark. My mark.

We are also in the process of selling our home- and I am eager to get into a new home with new walls to paint. This is exciting for both Bob and I. And I would like to travel this summer. Maybe Montana. Maybe camping. But what matters is that I have my life back. Before, my limbs were heavy with grief... I couldn't move. I was stunted with pain.

Now- it is Spring and I feel alive. I feel purposefully. I feel rejuvenate.

I am having normal cycles now- for the first time in a long time. I gage my temp every morning and that is interesting. Sometimes I get off balance and I feel as if I am starting at square one. But I know I am not. I know I have grown so much in the last year. My first miscarriage was last July... I can't believe it is upon us already.

This is not all for nothing. This path has lead me to places I wouldn't have ever found without the loss of those two little souls. I will never wish this experience on my worst enemy- but I can for sure say... that out of this and these kinds of experiences - we grow. We grow new skin. Thicker. Mightier. Strong. Better. Perhaps even gain a sense of self that we didn't have.

Today, somewhere, I think my friend is giving birth to her baby. And in my head, I am with her. I am holding her hand. I am part of her celebration and that is okay. I am okay.

Don't Say That!

**This is a guide for those you love who just haven't a CLUE on what to say to you in your time of pain from the loss of a child. Print this out and give it to them. They will understand.

Miscarriage rates are often said to be about one in every five pregnancies. This means that we will all know someone who has experienced a miscarriage in our lives. In trying to be helpful and caring we often find ourselves saying things that we think would make the person feel better, but in fact, makes them feels worse.

Never say these phrases:

"You can always have another."
They don't want another baby, they want this baby.
"Now you have an angel looking after you."
They don't want an angel, they want their baby back.
"It's for the best."
Best for whom?
"At least you didn't know your baby."
Whether you held your baby in your arms or only in your mind, this baby is real.
"There must have been something wrong..."
Wrong with me?
"Did you do something you weren't supposed to do?"
Did I cause this? How could I have hurt my baby?
"I understand how you feel."
Even if you have had a miscarriage, every one feels their grief uniquely.
"Have you ever thought of not having children?"
Yes, I probably have. I realize that I may never be a mother.
"Be grateful for the children you have..."
It isn't a question of being ungrateful or not appreciating what I have.

Things to say:
"I'm sorry."
"What can I do to help?"
"I'm here for you."

Remember to take your time and be kind and gentle with your friend or relative. Every one has their own grieving ways and time frame. Don't expect them to "get over it." Just be there and offer a shoulder and a comforting hug.

How Can Britney Crack My Shell?

Okay, this is totally irrational… I get that. Britney Spears is officially pregnant. Yeah! She will be a young mom and that is great. But in reading this news (even though it has been speculated over the last few weeks) I can’t help but feel my stomach churn. I even went to her website to double check. And yes, it is true.

I just can’t believe that something like Britney Spears (someone I do not admire, look up to or even care about) has had this affect on me- especially today… right when you think your feet are solid on the ground and things are back to “normal” you hear that Britney Fucking Spears gets pregnant … this can really shake one up. It has me. I cannot understand why? Perhaps because she got pregnant and will probably deliver a healthy baby and I got pregnant and my babies died? Yeah, that might have something to do with it.

Our second baby died the week that Julia Roberts came out on the cover of PEOPLE Magazine with her twins. That killed too.

My shell has been re-cracked; opened. I know that I can’t put this away for good. But I can’t believe the MAGNITUDE of strength these feelings of sadness and pain have over me… so strong. So real and painful.

I am sitting at my desk doing everything I can to not crack out loud. IE: Cry, shake, throw up, leave in panic, run, and hide in the bathroom. I am trying to look busy but all I can think about is Britney Spears and her belly.

How messed up. Totally psychologically debilitating… one minute I am contemplating if I want to have a kid or not, the next I am shaking because someone else is pregnant and I am not. All I have is loss.

I am so confused by this.

Pain & Confusion

How can one lose two babies.... suffer the total pain and sadness of miscarriage for months on end... and then wonder if they want to even be a mother?

I am totally confused. After the first miscarriage I KNEW I wanted to be a Mom. Every priority was put in check... I wanted to be a MOM no matter what!

Then the second miscarriage... so much pain... still.

And now I wonder... "Is this what I really want?" And I also wonder if this is just self-preservation? Am I strategically trying to make it so that I don't think I want kids so that if I get pregnant and everything goes well then life will be grand... but if I don't get pregnant and I can't carry a baby I can look back and say "well, I didn't really know if I wanted kids anyway... so maybe this is better?"

The mind is a psychological jungle... no one should be alone in their mind.

I don't know what the right answers are... But I am taking my temps everyday- not because we are trying but because we need to see "my cycle" and "my pattern"... it is pretty cool actually. They should teach this in school. So many unwated teenage pregnancies would not occur if girls and women knew their cycles better. Now when I ovulate Bob says "honey, you are in HEAT!" Pretty cute.

We have found some laughter again... our home is not deadened with sadness and remorse all the time. Our walls hold tons of memories and have seen everything over the last four years... When we sell this home I look forward to creating new memories... In a home with different walls and perhaps laughter and maybe even babies... maybe not.

I suppose I should leave the planning to the stars and just trust that I am exactly where I am supposed to be...