I Am There... Holding Your Hand

I have been thinking and dreaming a lot about the birth of babies. I have a friend who is four days over due to give birth...right now... and I have this vision of being in the room while she delivers her baby. In this vision I am very happy for her. I am very happy for me for being happy for her. I see this as growth.

But this vision will not happen. Not because I am not happy for her. But I had to self-preserve months ago when she began to grow a healthy pregnancy and I lost my second one in a row. I pulled away from everyone- not just the healthy pregnant ones. And as a result that friendship is fractured. She felt abandoned and I needed space and time to recover. I am not sure what the right "way" to go about this situation is? I couldn't be around babies, strollers, pregnancy, anything related to the topic. I then couldn't be near her or anyone who was pregnant. Hell, I could barely be near anyone, pregnant or not.

I feel better about feeling better. I am growing further and further away from the daily hook of pain deep inside my soul and gut. And then sometimes I feel guilty for feeling better... like- jeez, it has only been 4 months since the 2nd miscarriage- shouldn't I be feeling bad? But I do feel better. Life has moved into a new direction. In previous posts I have questioned my desire and motivation for a child at all. I think this is physiologically based (self preservation) again. I am sure that I want a child. I think about it more and more. I have other things that I want right now as well. I want to excel at my job and really get a foothold in the professional world. I want to succeed. I want to make a mark. My mark.

We are also in the process of selling our home- and I am eager to get into a new home with new walls to paint. This is exciting for both Bob and I. And I would like to travel this summer. Maybe Montana. Maybe camping. But what matters is that I have my life back. Before, my limbs were heavy with grief... I couldn't move. I was stunted with pain.

Now- it is Spring and I feel alive. I feel purposefully. I feel rejuvenate.

I am having normal cycles now- for the first time in a long time. I gage my temp every morning and that is interesting. Sometimes I get off balance and I feel as if I am starting at square one. But I know I am not. I know I have grown so much in the last year. My first miscarriage was last July... I can't believe it is upon us already.

This is not all for nothing. This path has lead me to places I wouldn't have ever found without the loss of those two little souls. I will never wish this experience on my worst enemy- but I can for sure say... that out of this and these kinds of experiences - we grow. We grow new skin. Thicker. Mightier. Strong. Better. Perhaps even gain a sense of self that we didn't have.

Today, somewhere, I think my friend is giving birth to her baby. And in my head, I am with her. I am holding her hand. I am part of her celebration and that is okay. I am okay.