Apr 25, 2005

We Don't Have to Suffer Alone...

This coming weekend I will meet with someone from the miscarriage blogging community. This will be a wonderful experience. She is doing interviews throughout the west about miscarriage and women's experiences. She is writing a book and creating a documentary on the subject.

My hope is that her book is published widely and that her documentary takes off. The topic of miscarriage is so UNDER discussed and UNDER recognized in this society- it needs and commands attention.

That was my motivation for starting my blog- I was desperate to have someone to talk to about all the things that were going on inside of me - It was of a certain urgency that I talk- SPEAK about miscarriage- so I could get it out and so that others could hear - and share in the experience. It is such a painful, awful, terrible, sad, horrible loss. Nobody should ever have to go through it alone, in silence- like so many women and men do.

This weekend I will do my best to convey my experiences - and hopefully the messages will span wide and the book project and documentary will get the attention it deserves.

Here are some of the questions I will be asked:

Give a brief chronology of pregnancies, births, miscarriages, abortions, etc.

Describe you miscarriage (s) - Physical Aspects

- Discovering you were pregnant
-Medical Interaction
-How did miscarriage happen
-Signs, Symptoms, Warnings, Feelings,
-Finalizing, outcome, D&C or Natural

What emotions did you go through before, during and after?

How did your partner act/react?

How did you feel the medical community treated you?

How did friends/family react?

What were your thoughts/feelings on trying again?

What happened next? (If another miscarriage, repeat 2-7)

What do you wish you knew then that you know now about miscarriage?

What do you wish had been differently by the medical community?

What have you learned about yourself since your miscarriage (s)? About your partner? Your friends? Your family?

What was the hardest thing about your miscarriage(s)?

How did the miscarriages(s) affect you spiritually?

What did you do, if anything, to memorialize the miscarriage(s)?

What have you found most helpful during this process?

What advice would you give other women who have miscarried?

These are all questions and emotions I have to really revisit this week before the interview. They are great questions- they take me back to places I don't necessarily want to go- but have to go. Somehow... this topic has to be broached. And right now, this is how I feel I can contribute. I can't stand to think there are millions of women out there right now suffering quietly....

We do NOT have to do this alone...

Apr 22, 2005

I Am There... Holding Your Hand

I have been thinking and dreaming a lot about the birth of babies. I have a friend who is four days over due to give birth...right now... and I have this vision of being in the room while she delivers her baby. In this vision I am very happy for her. I am very happy for me for being happy for her. I see this as growth.

But this vision will not happen. Not because I am not happy for her. But I had to self-preserve months ago when she began to grow a healthy pregnancy and I lost my second one in a row. I pulled away from everyone- not just the healthy pregnant ones. And as a result that friendship is fractured. She felt abandoned and I needed space and time to recover. I am not sure what the right "way" to go about this situation is? I couldn't be around babies, strollers, pregnancy, anything related to the topic. I then couldn't be near her or anyone who was pregnant. Hell, I could barely be near anyone, pregnant or not.

I feel better about feeling better. I am growing further and further away from the daily hook of pain deep inside my soul and gut. And then sometimes I feel guilty for feeling better... like- jeez, it has only been 4 months since the 2nd miscarriage- shouldn't I be feeling bad? But I do feel better. Life has moved into a new direction. In previous posts I have questioned my desire and motivation for a child at all. I think this is physiologically based (self preservation) again. I am sure that I want a child. I think about it more and more. I have other things that I want right now as well. I want to excel at my job and really get a foothold in the professional world. I want to succeed. I want to make a mark. My mark.

We are also in the process of selling our home- and I am eager to get into a new home with new walls to paint. This is exciting for both Bob and I. And I would like to travel this summer. Maybe Montana. Maybe camping. But what matters is that I have my life back. Before, my limbs were heavy with grief... I couldn't move. I was stunted with pain.

Now- it is Spring and I feel alive. I feel purposefully. I feel rejuvenate.

I am having normal cycles now- for the first time in a long time. I gage my temp every morning and that is interesting. Sometimes I get off balance and I feel as if I am starting at square one. But I know I am not. I know I have grown so much in the last year. My first miscarriage was last July... I can't believe it is upon us already.

This is not all for nothing. This path has lead me to places I wouldn't have ever found without the loss of those two little souls. I will never wish this experience on my worst enemy- but I can for sure say... that out of this and these kinds of experiences - we grow. We grow new skin. Thicker. Mightier. Strong. Better. Perhaps even gain a sense of self that we didn't have.

Today, somewhere, I think my friend is giving birth to her baby. And in my head, I am with her. I am holding her hand. I am part of her celebration and that is okay. I am okay.

Apr 12, 2005

Don't Say That!

**This is a guide for those you love who just haven't a CLUE on what to say to you in your time of pain from the loss of a child. Print this out and give it to them. They will understand.

Miscarriage rates are often said to be about one in every five pregnancies. This means that we will all know someone who has experienced a miscarriage in our lives. In trying to be helpful and caring we often find ourselves saying things that we think would make the person feel better, but in fact, makes them feels worse.

Never say these phrases:

"You can always have another."
They don't want another baby, they want this baby.
"Now you have an angel looking after you."

They don't want an angel, they want their baby back.
"It's for the best."
Best for whom?
"At least you didn't know your baby."

Whether you held your baby in your arms or only in your mind, this baby is real.
"There must have been something wrong..."

Wrong with me?
"Did you do something you weren't supposed to do?"

Did I cause this? How could I have hurt my baby?
"I understand how you feel."

Even if you have had a miscarriage, every one feels their grief uniquely.
"Have you ever thought of not having children?"

Yes, I probably have. I realize that I may never be a mother.
"Be grateful for the children you have..."

It isn't a question of being ungrateful or not appreciating what I have.

Things to say:
"I'm sorry."
"What can I do to help?"
"I'm here for you."

Remember to take your time and be kind and gentle with your friend or relative. Every one has their own grieving ways and time frame. Don't expect them to "get over it." Just be there and offer a shoulder and a comforting hug.

How Can Britney Crack My Shell?

Okay, this is totally irrational… I get that. Britney Spears is officially pregnant. Yeah! She will be a young mom and that is great. But in reading this news (even though it has been speculated over the last few weeks) I can’t help but feel my stomach churn. I even went to her website to double check. And yes, it is true.

I just can’t believe that something like Britney Spears (someone I do not admire, look up to or even care about) has had this affect on me- especially today… right when you think your feet are solid on the ground and things are back to “normal” you hear that Britney Fucking Spears gets pregnant … this can really shake one up. It has me. I cannot understand why? Perhaps because she got pregnant and will probably deliver a healthy baby and I got pregnant and my babies died? Yeah, that might have something to do with it.

Our second baby died the week that Julia Roberts came out on the cover of PEOPLE Magazine with her twins. That killed too.

My shell has been re-cracked; opened. I know that I can’t put this away for good. But I can’t believe the MAGNITUDE of strength these feelings of sadness and pain have over me… so strong. So real and painful.

I am sitting at my desk doing everything I can to not crack out loud. IE: Cry, shake, throw up, leave in panic, run, and hide in the bathroom. I am trying to look busy but all I can think about is Britney Spears and her belly.

How messed up. Totally psychologically debilitating… one minute I am contemplating if I want to have a kid or not, the next I am shaking because someone else is pregnant and I am not. All I have is loss.

I am so confused by this.

Apr 10, 2005

Pain & Confusion

How can one lose two babies.... suffer the total pain and sadness of miscarriage for months on end... and then wonder if they want to even be a mother?

I am totally confused. After the first miscarriage I KNEW I wanted to be a Mom. Every priority was put in check... I wanted to be a MOM no matter what!

Then the second miscarriage... so much pain... still.

And now I wonder... "Is this what I really want?" And I also wonder if this is just self-preservation? Am I strategically trying to make it so that I don't think I want kids so that if I get pregnant and everything goes well then life will be grand... but if I don't get pregnant and I can't carry a baby I can look back and say "well, I didn't really know if I wanted kids anyway... so maybe this is better?"

The mind is a psychological jungle... no one should be alone in their mind.

I don't know what the right answers are... But I am taking my temps everyday- not because we are trying but because we need to see "my cycle" and "my pattern"... it is pretty cool actually. They should teach this in school. So many unwated teenage pregnancies would not occur if girls and women knew their cycles better. Now when I ovulate Bob says "honey, you are in HEAT!" Pretty cute.

We have found some laughter again... our home is not deadened with sadness and remorse all the time. Our walls hold tons of memories and have seen everything over the last four years... When we sell this home I look forward to creating new memories... In a home with different walls and perhaps laughter and maybe even babies... maybe not.


I suppose I should leave the planning to the stars and just trust that I am exactly where I am supposed to be...

Apr 6, 2005

Pregnant Workers Report Growing Discrimination

By Stephanie Armour, USA TODAY

The number of women claiming they've been discriminated against on the job because they're pregnant is soaring even as the birth rate declines.
Mailyn Pickler, 23, was fired from an auto dealership a week after she revealed her pregnancy.

Pregnancy discrimination complaints filed with the federal Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) jumped 39% from fiscal year 1992 to 2003, according to a recent analysis of government data by the Washington-based National Partnership for Women & Families. During that same time, the nation's birthrate dropped 9%.

The surge in pregnancy complaints makes it one of the fastest-growing types of employment discrimination charges filed with the EEOC — outpacing the rise in sexual harassment and sex discrimination claims.

The charges are coming from a range of women, from those in entry-level jobs as well as those in executive suites. Well-known employers that have faced pregnancy-discrimination lawsuits include Wal-Mart, Hooters and Cincinnati Bell.
Rob Schumacher, for USA TODAY

Marilyn Pickler says she was fired after telling supervisors about her pregnancy.
Employment lawyers say that, in many cases, employers are simply making honest mistakes as they try to understand a variety of federal and state laws governing issues such as pregnancy discrimination and family leave. And they say it's easy to overlook the very real costs of pregnancy to small employers, who may see productivity suffer significantly when women take time off after having a baby.

But pregnant women claim they've been unfairly fired, denied promotions and in some cases urged to terminate pregnancies in order to keep their jobs.
Mailyn Pickler, 23, of Mesa, Ariz., says she was working for auto dealership Berge Ford when she told a manager about her pregnancy. About a week later, she says, supervisors told her she was being fired. They told her they were concerned that it would not be safe for her to drive, which was part of her job, while she was pregnant, according to the lawsuit.

Berge Ford did not return calls seeking comment.

"I burst into tears," Pickler says. "They thought I was not going to be able to do my job. They thought I would throw up or have a cramp. But pregnant women work every day. It just wasn't fair."

The EEOC filed a lawsuit on Pickler's behalf, and the case was settled out of court for $70,000. Her son, Jesse, is 3, and Pickler, who is now a stay-at-home mom, is pregnant again.

The rise in pregnancy discrimination cases is important now because more women of child-bearing age are in the labor force: Women make up about 47% of the total labor force, and they're projected to account for more than half of the increase in total labor force growth from 2002 until 2012, according to the Department of Labor.
And more working women are having children at a later age, when careers are better established and more is financially at stake. In 2000, the average American woman having her first child was almost 25 years old. In 1970, the average age was 21.4 years for a first birth, according to a 2002 report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Pregnancy discrimination cases also are costing companies more money. In fiscal year 2003, theEEOC and state and local agencies collected $12.4 million from charges of pregnancy discrimination (that amount excludes any awards obtained through lawsuits), vs. $3.7 million collected in 1992. Money may also come from other sources, such as conciliation agreements with employers and benefits obtained through mediation.

The length of time it takes a case to come to trial or settle can vary. Some cases are resolved within a year; some may drag on in the courts for a number of years.
"We've seen an explosion, a huge increase in cases," says Mary Jo O'Neill, a regional lawyer with the EEOC. "The kind of cases we're seeing are very blatant, cases where managers say, 'We don't want pregnant women working here.' "
Several factors may be behind the trend:

•More pregnant women are staying in the workplace rather than going on early leave. More women are working while pregnant, and they're working further into their pregnancies. In the decade before the 1978 passage of the Pregnancy Discrimination Act, more than half of employed women quit their jobs when they became pregnant, according to the National Partnership for Women & Families analysis of government data. The non-profit education and advocacy group also found that, by the early 1990s, that number dropped to 27% of pregnant women.

"The discrimination is more prevalent because there are so many more women who are working pregnant," says Debra Ness, president of the National Partnership for Women & Families. "People think pregnancy discrimination is a thing of the past, that it doesn't happen anymore. But it does."

•Productivity pressures and the economy. The sluggish economy in recent years has pushed employers to lay off workers and stress productivity, leaving fewer employees doing more work. Employers may see pregnant workers — with pending maternity leave and their possible need for more flexible work arrangements in the future — as a liability.

"Pregnancy is expensive for employers," says Veronica Duffy, an employment lawyer in Rapid City, S.D., who has represented pregnant women filing discrimination claims. "And as health insurance costs rise, costs become more of an issue. Employers are driven to discriminate."

•Stereotypes about pregnant women persist. Mounting research shows that women who become pregnant are viewed as less competent in the workplace — a view that is held by both male and female co-workers.

In one study published in 1993 in the Journal of Organizational Behavior, pregnant and non-pregnant women performed tasks that were rated by college students drafted for the research. While both subjects performed the same, those who were pregnant consistently received lower performance ratings. They were viewed as overly emotional, often irrational, physically limited and less than committed to their jobs, according to the report.

In another study, pregnant women were interviewed about their own experiences on the job. About half said their supervisors' reactions to their pregnancies were negative, according to the report published in 1997 in the Journal of Business and Psychology.

They also reported intrusive comments from co-workers, including such comments as, "Why are you eating so much?" and, "Do you have stretch marks yet?" About half of pregnant women managers said subordinates became upset or hostile.

"When women become pregnant, they're seen as putting personal life ahead of work," says Jane Halpert, an associate professor of industrial and organizational psychology at DePaul University who worked on the studies. "There's a whole set of separate attitudes that show up at work when you get pregnant."

Roberta Carlton says she's seen it firsthand. When she was working as a manager at a software company, she says she wanted to hire a woman who had just had a baby. She says her boss said the job applicant was a new parent and wouldn't be able to put in the hours. What the boss didn't know was that Carlton was three months pregnant at the time.

"You wonder how many women deal with this," says Carlton, 39, who went on maternity leave and was later laid off. She now is a vice president at a public relations firm in Lexington, Mass. "I thought pregnancy was something people were educated about. I hadn't realized anything that blatant happened anymore."

Employers have concerns

But employment lawyers also point out that there are some valid concerns for companies. Small employers can be especially hard hit if they have a large number of women who go out on maternity leave: Productivity can suffer, and there can be extra work for co-workers who are forced to pick up the slack.
Employers can also wind up in a bind if they hire a woman who goes on maternity leave during a critical time, such as a tax-preparation firm that loses a woman to leave during April, when demand is at its peak.

"It can create an enormous challenge for a small organization," says Michael Lotito, a San Francisco-based employment lawyer. He says employers can also feel unable to take disciplinary action against a pregnant employee who isn't performing because they fear it will be seen as discriminatory.

And Lotito says part of the increase in discrimination claims could be coming simply because employers are making honest mistakes or are confused by conflicting laws. Many states have protections for pregnant women that go beyond the federal law. For example, they may mandate that pregnant women be allowed to get some paid time off through employee payroll taxes.

Federal law allows for 12 weeks of unpaid leave.

Generally, under current federal law, an employer shouldn't ask job applicants if they are pregnant; a job seeker also is not required to inform an employer of her pregnancy, legal experts say.

An employer also can't force a pregnant woman to take time off during her pregnancy or force her to quit because of fears the work may be hazardous to her or her fetus. Employees who go on maternity leave must generally get the same treatment as other employees with disabilities or time off.

Susan Kenna, 38, says her employer didn't make accommodations for her when she became pregnant with triplets. She says managers cut her pay after she needed to go on bed rest, and she says she was cut out of meetings before being put on bed rest and generally pressured to quit. She was on bed rest for one week.

Kenna, who worked as a director at Gitto/Global Corp., went into early labor on Sept. 28, 2001, and her triplets died shortly after birth. She says in a lawsuit filed last year against her employer that stress over discrimination played a role in triggering the early births.

Gitto/Global, a manufacturer of specialty compounds, filed for bankruptcy protection in September 2004 and sold its assets to S & E Specialty Polymers. Gitto/Global has been embroiled in scandal following accusations top officials created bogus customers and bilked lenders out of millions of dollars.

A spokeswoman declined to comment, saying the lawsuit originated before the sale. The case was filed in August 2004 and is still pending. A trial date has not yet been set.

"I believe the stress caused my pre-term labor, and I filed a lawsuit because I didn't want my children to die in vain," says Kenna, of Sterling, Mass., who is now the mother of 2-year-old twin girls and a son who is just over 2 months old. "A lot of people at companies are getting away with this, and they have to be called on their bad behavior."

Little Dreams of Pink Lines

So the new job started and all is well. It is nice to be working in a business environment again after being in the non-profit. I love what the non-profs ultimately DO...

But I tell ya what I have never seen such a dysfunctional environment as I have in the one I just left. So bad, in fact, that I went to the board of directors and they are now in the process of an internal investigation. They have an employment lawyer in there interviewing people daily. I was going to file an EEOC claim and may still- but I will wait to see how things shake out with the lawyer first.

My guess is that the CEO and VP of Development are going to lose their jobs... and so they should. It is an abusive and explosive place where people are favored and mistreated all under one roof. I spent 8 months there. These are the very people that tried to lay me off while I was on bed rest. They actually did lay me off-what am I saying? They laid me off and I miscarried 12 hours later. My husband had to call from the hospital to see if I could still return to my job. Meanwhile, I know they were trying to get me out faster than they could or HAD to say "Why sure you can come back to your job!"


Pregnancy and discrimination are holding hands these days... I recorded everything while I was at that job. Though I was on bed rest most of the time and then I miscarried, I was NEVER treated the same as I was before they knew of a pregnancy.

So yeah... it is good to be somewhere else. No job is perfect but I would at least like to think that this job will stick for a while.

I woke this morning and recognized my dreams. Little pink lines and multiple pregnancy tests... yes, in my dreams I was pregnant. Two bold, pink lines. I think I took four tests in my dream just to make sure. It was sure. I was indeed pregnant. And then my alarm went off and I dressed to go to work and had a very good day.

The transition from being pregnant to losing a baby and then back to the workplace is an interesting one. Very difficult, however, if it weren't for work I think I might have just goen insane. I think I went insane anyway- but I think I really would have lost it without something else to focus on rather than the GI-NORMITY of our losses. Yes, I just made that word up.

Now, being in a business setting again with the opportunity to really climb "that ole' ladder" I am second guessing my maternal instinct. Of course, I know it is silly and ridiculous because I will eventually try and get pregnant again- but I am questioning the meaning having a child has for me? Why do I feel a child will "complete" the picture? Is it that I want a child or is it what I am "supposed" to do? I grapple with this.

If my first pregnancy would have worked I would have a child that would be a little over 2 months old right now and I KNOW that I would not be asking these questions... But that isn't the case.

I wonder how women do it? Go to work. Have a family. Be wives and friends and find time for themselves? How do women do it? I barely have time to pee- let alone manage all the balls that so many women juggle so beautifully. It is an anomaly to me, truly.

So, tomorrow, I will put on my suit (more casual than not) and drive to the city (10 minutes) and get my shitty coffee (7-11) and I will work and be proud and be thankful. I am thankful for what has touched me. Because it has jarred me into thinking about things differently.

If two pink lines showed up tomorrow I would welcome them in my door. But for now there won't be any lines. No lines to my uterus. No lines from peeing. No lines at all. For now it is about my lifeline. My husbands lifeline. Our "getting back to life" goal. And that feels good.