Pain & Confusion

How can one lose two babies.... suffer the total pain and sadness of miscarriage for months on end... and then wonder if they want to even be a mother?

I am totally confused. After the first miscarriage I KNEW I wanted to be a Mom. Every priority was put in check... I wanted to be a MOM no matter what!

Then the second miscarriage... so much pain... still.

And now I wonder... "Is this what I really want?" And I also wonder if this is just self-preservation? Am I strategically trying to make it so that I don't think I want kids so that if I get pregnant and everything goes well then life will be grand... but if I don't get pregnant and I can't carry a baby I can look back and say "well, I didn't really know if I wanted kids anyway... so maybe this is better?"

The mind is a psychological jungle... no one should be alone in their mind.

I don't know what the right answers are... But I am taking my temps everyday- not because we are trying but because we need to see "my cycle" and "my pattern"... it is pretty cool actually. They should teach this in school. So many unwated teenage pregnancies would not occur if girls and women knew their cycles better. Now when I ovulate Bob says "honey, you are in HEAT!" Pretty cute.

We have found some laughter again... our home is not deadened with sadness and remorse all the time. Our walls hold tons of memories and have seen everything over the last four years... When we sell this home I look forward to creating new memories... In a home with different walls and perhaps laughter and maybe even babies... maybe not.

I suppose I should leave the planning to the stars and just trust that I am exactly where I am supposed to be...