Feb 4, 2008

Coming Back Around


It has been a long, long time since I have written. I wanted to keep this "place" sacred and dedicated to miscarriage and finding my way home. I started writing this blog when I experienced my first miscarriage. I wrote to try and escape the pain. This was my hide out. This is where I came in the middle of the night when people were sleeping and I was weeping. This place has been so very important to me. I visit it often.

I wrote more and more after I lost the second pregnancy. I got really angry and really determined to figure out what was 'wrong with me?' I went through a battery of tests. I remember talking with my husband a few months after we lost the second pregnancy. We talked for a really long time about what our lives would look like if we didn't have children. We talked about how that would feel and if that is something we could live with? We talked about adopting. We talked about trying, one more time... just one more time.

And we did. We tried. And through medical intervention, I was able to carry a pregnancy and give birth to our daughter in July 2006. We felt as if we had witnessed a miracle. We still feel this. She is amazing. We are so blessed. I am thankful everyday.

Almost two years has passed since I gave birth. And I still don't ever forget about the babies that came before. I won't ever forget. They are part of our lives.

I have had a few friends recently who have lost pregnancies and I am so very sad for them. I ache and wish I could say something that would make the pain go away. What I have learned is that the pain just dulls. As time goes on... you get used to the losses. I am not sure it every feels okay. We learn to live with the loss.

When I look back I wonder, how in the hell did I manage? How did I find the guts to get pregnant? Truth is... I was a wreck through my entire 3rd pregnancy. No doubt about it. I would pee and just wait for the other shoe to drop - for 9+ months. Not a fun way to live - but it was the reality. And it was worth every single minute.

To this day we are still testing for the causes to my miscarriages. I recently had to have surgery, totally random, due to very painful endemetreosis. During the surgery they ran tests and found that I actually DID NOT have a blood clotting disorder - like we once suspected. Rather, I don't make enough progesterone and I also do not break down folic acid normally. So random.

There are so many things that can go wrong. So many things that can go right. The bottom line is the entire pregnancy thing is a miracle. I know, I know... cliche. But true.

We are wondering if baby #2 is something we want to try for. We are torn. Pregnancy is so hard and scary. The results so unpredictable and amazing. We have a lot to think about for sure. And I am just so thankful that I came to this special place - where I wrote and continue to write. It has been my refuge. My sanity. And I am also so happy that if this place is safe and helpful for one other person -who is suffering and sad, scared and angry - then I have made a difference and that is huge.

When I lost the babies, I didn't know who to turn to, who to talk to. There wasn't anything out there - that I could relate to. I hope, if you have landed here - that it helps.

More to come,

Ashley