It has been a long, long time since I have written. I wanted to keep this "place" sacred and dedicated to miscarriage and finding my way home. I started writing this blog when I experienced my first miscarriage. I wrote to try and escape the pain. This was my hide out. This is where I came in the middle of the night when people were sleeping and I was weeping. This place has been so very important to me. I visit it often.
I wrote more and more after I lost the second pregnancy. I got really angry and really determined to figure out what was 'wrong with me?' I went through a battery of tests. I remember talking with my husband a few months after we lost the second pregnancy. We talked for a really long time about what our lives would look like if we didn't have children. We talked about how that would feel and if that is something we could live with? We talked about adopting. We talked about trying, one more time... just one more time.
And we did. We tried. And through medical intervention, I was able to carry a pregnancy and give birth to our daughter in July 2006. We felt as if we had witnessed a miracle. We still feel this. She is amazing. We are so blessed. I am thankful everyday.
Almost two years has passed since I gave birth. And I still don't ever forget about the babies that came before. I won't ever forget. They are part of our lives.
I have had a few friends recently who have lost pregnancies and I am so very sad for them. I ache and wish I could say something that would make the pain go away. What I have learned is that the pain just dulls. As time goes on... you get used to the losses. I am not sure it every feels okay. We learn to live with the loss.
When I look back I wonder, how in the hell did I manage? How did I find the guts to get pregnant? Truth is... I was a wreck through my entire 3rd pregnancy. No doubt about it. I would pee and just wait for the other shoe to drop - for 9+ months. Not a fun way to live - but it was the reality. And it was worth every single minute.
To this day we are still testing for the causes to my miscarriages. I recently had to have surgery, totally random, due to very painful endemetreosis. During the surgery they ran tests and found that I actually DID NOT have a blood clotting disorder - like we once suspected. Rather, I don't make enough progesterone and I also do not break down folic acid normally. So random.
There are so many things that can go wrong. So many things that can go right. The bottom line is the entire pregnancy thing is a miracle. I know, I know... cliche. But true.
We are wondering if baby #2 is something we want to try for. We are torn. Pregnancy is so hard and scary. The results so unpredictable and amazing. We have a lot to think about for sure. And I am just so thankful that I came to this special place - where I wrote and continue to write. It has been my refuge. My sanity. And I am also so happy that if this place is safe and helpful for one other person -who is suffering and sad, scared and angry - then I have made a difference and that is huge.
When I lost the babies, I didn't know who to turn to, who to talk to. There wasn't anything out there - that I could relate to. I hope, if you have landed here - that it helps.
More to come,
Ashley
I wrote more and more after I lost the second pregnancy. I got really angry and really determined to figure out what was 'wrong with me?' I went through a battery of tests. I remember talking with my husband a few months after we lost the second pregnancy. We talked for a really long time about what our lives would look like if we didn't have children. We talked about how that would feel and if that is something we could live with? We talked about adopting. We talked about trying, one more time... just one more time.
And we did. We tried. And through medical intervention, I was able to carry a pregnancy and give birth to our daughter in July 2006. We felt as if we had witnessed a miracle. We still feel this. She is amazing. We are so blessed. I am thankful everyday.
Almost two years has passed since I gave birth. And I still don't ever forget about the babies that came before. I won't ever forget. They are part of our lives.
I have had a few friends recently who have lost pregnancies and I am so very sad for them. I ache and wish I could say something that would make the pain go away. What I have learned is that the pain just dulls. As time goes on... you get used to the losses. I am not sure it every feels okay. We learn to live with the loss.
When I look back I wonder, how in the hell did I manage? How did I find the guts to get pregnant? Truth is... I was a wreck through my entire 3rd pregnancy. No doubt about it. I would pee and just wait for the other shoe to drop - for 9+ months. Not a fun way to live - but it was the reality. And it was worth every single minute.
To this day we are still testing for the causes to my miscarriages. I recently had to have surgery, totally random, due to very painful endemetreosis. During the surgery they ran tests and found that I actually DID NOT have a blood clotting disorder - like we once suspected. Rather, I don't make enough progesterone and I also do not break down folic acid normally. So random.
There are so many things that can go wrong. So many things that can go right. The bottom line is the entire pregnancy thing is a miracle. I know, I know... cliche. But true.
We are wondering if baby #2 is something we want to try for. We are torn. Pregnancy is so hard and scary. The results so unpredictable and amazing. We have a lot to think about for sure. And I am just so thankful that I came to this special place - where I wrote and continue to write. It has been my refuge. My sanity. And I am also so happy that if this place is safe and helpful for one other person -who is suffering and sad, scared and angry - then I have made a difference and that is huge.
When I lost the babies, I didn't know who to turn to, who to talk to. There wasn't anything out there - that I could relate to. I hope, if you have landed here - that it helps.
More to come,
Ashley
10 comments:
I understand. I've lost my third pregnancy in a row. I'm wondering if my daughter was truly a miracle. Blood tests after my second loss revealed nothing. Part of me is afraid of discovering something "wrong" with me, and part of me is afraid that I'll never know why I lost three babies.
Take care,
Kimberly
It's very beautifully said.
Too many people who haven't had the misfortune to go thru a miscarriage mistake the loss as 'something you'll get over' - you never get over losing a child, losing the dreams of their future with you.
I am blessed to have my daughter, even tho I could have no more children were I to want to, I would still probably hesitate.
Pregnancy is not the 'walk in the park' that television sitcoms would have us believe. Neither is parenting for that matter.
But I'm glad you left this here for those who need to find it to know that they aren't alone.
I feel your pain. My wife experienced a miscarriage just last month. I've written a blog on it. It was supposed to be our first baby. :(
Great blog and what a beautiful baby Scout is. I stumbled across your blog when trying to gather the courage to continue my own. I've had some KuKd losses too, I call it Knocked Up, Knocked Down. Good for you for persevering and being brave and inspirational! -Monica L.
My husband and I have been trying to concieve for almost 2 years and I have had two miscarriages. All that I can feel right now is the loss and grief.. and I wonder if it will happen for us. I very much missed the babies during the holidays and was hoping to be pregnant again by now.
This is a very solitary journey. Thank you for your web page and the words of hope.
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Thank you for sharing your story! I love the line..."waiting in the wings is hard as hell!". I'm there now. I have had two miscarriages in the last 7 months (one missed miscarriage/D&C and a blighted ovum/D & C) and now I'm 6 weeks along. I totally get the 'not' really excited part too. I feel like a sitting duck! I have two weeks to go before my dr. will see me.... UGH. Thank you for sharing!!
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