Oct 20, 2005

For Fucks Sake...

I like that saying... "For Fucks Sake." There is a ring to it. Something about the word FUCK is really comforting. Some find it so terribly awful. I enjoy it. So, here we are... lets see... it is 2:30am and I am awake. Imagine that? I am not sure why I cannot sleep... could it have something to do with the fact that I have phantom pregnancies every month... and that I am up at all hours of the night peeing... hmmm... Probably. That would keep one up.

I thought the phantom pregnancies would subside. But they have actually gotten worse. The last month has been difficult again - just when you think you are home free from pain of miscarriage (s) it comes to haunt you... it crawls deep into my soul... and I cannot escape it.

The worst part is... that we have tried for a few months to get pregnant- and nothing. Nada. Zilch. I spent my whole young life using condoms and fearing getting pregnant. What would happen if I got knocked up as a teenager? Or in my 20's? Then, I immediately thought I would abort. But I never did get pregnant. Not until I was married and ready... and then it didn't work.

And it still isn't working. There is something distorted about this. It becomes an obsession... I am going to go into debt just buying pregnancy tests! I take them even when I know for sure I am not pregnant. It is a sick and twisted way to torture myself. I even get the ones that have the "PREGNANT" or "NOT PREGNANT" it speaks to me. In my head the test is reading "NO, ASHLEY, YOU ARE NOT FUCKING PREGNANT SO STOP TAKING SO MANY TESTS!"

Ohhh, the mental gymnastics is exhausting. Do I want a baby? Yes. At least... I think I do. But then I worry- as I have mentioned before... do I want it now more than ever because I haven't been able to have one? Do I want a baby because that is what is "supposed to happen" in life? Do I want a baby because my soul aches for one? There are days where I actually try and convince myself that life would be so much easier without the trouble of children and pregnancy.

And then I see my Mom and Dad. I would be so lonely without my children driving me crazy like I do them... or making them laugh, or pissing them off. I couldn't imagine not having a child... Someone to hold and laugh with.

I don't know anymore. It is almost a year since my second miscarriage... I can't believe how far that seems from right now and how much has changed.

We are going to try... try... try... but the -in-between- time is tough. Am I or aren't I? Each month its own sick rollercoaster. Sometimes I just want off the ride.