Pissing Monsters

It has been far to long since I have written. Partially, I was getting further and further away from some of the pain and thought taking a break would be good. In reality, on July 4th, the day I was to give birth- my husband and I tried to conceive. I thought that would make me feel better... and it did.

We tried at all the right times. And soon enough, I had the signs. I knew it! Yeah, I am pregnant I thought to myself! My boobs were sore, I was peeing like crazy... I felt sick and was very tired. I took a pregnancy test two days after sex (I know, I know...) then another test five days after, and then I took another and another. Then, I went to my Doctor's and took a blood test. And then another pregnancy test after that... and then, just like clockwork, I got my period.

What a fucking nutcase? Who is this person that I am? What a total nightmare! I can't even tell you how relieved I was when I finally knew that I wasn't pregnant! I wore myself out... and what kind of child would I be raising? Talk about obsessive compulsive?

Now, I ask myself... am I mentally capable of getting pregnant and baring a child? I don't even have the wherewithall to use common sense around taking a pregnancy test? How am I going to rasie a child? Or even carry one for christs sake?

We stopped trying. We have gotten busy. I am again conflicted? How do women do it? How do women get pregnant, have jobs, lives, husbands and kids and stay sane? If anyone knows, please, do share the wealth? How does one stay sane after two miscarriages when trying to conceive? I am at a loss.

Since, one of my friends gave birth to a healthy baby girl- her pregnancy was flawless (or at least she made it look that way) and another one of my friends is 10 weeks pregnant. I am really happy for both of them! I know how exciting it is... I remember what is was like to be pregnant and have that innocence! I have another friend trying ... It is all around and always will be in some shape or form. Certainly, this week has been a little tough as it is more in my face than it has been.

I am still unable to visit the mittens we hung at the cemetary. My husband goes. I can't. Not yet. I still sometimes feel so broken. Like my body is broken? I feel confused? I feel unfit to mentally handle a pregnancy should we get pregnant. And then I hold a baby (because I can now) and it feels so damn natural and I yearn. It is so biological - amazing.

I just have no idea....what to do. And maybe that is okay?