It has been far to long since I have written. Partially, I was getting further and further away from some of the pain and thought taking a break would be good. In reality, on July 4th, the day I was to give birth- my husband and I tried to conceive. I thought that would make me feel better... and it did.
We tried at all the right times. And soon enough, I had the signs. I knew it! Yeah, I am pregnant I thought to myself! My boobs were sore, I was peeing like crazy... I felt sick and was very tired. I took a pregnancy test two days after sex (I know, I know...) then another test five days after, and then I took another and another. Then, I went to my Doctor's and took a blood test. And then another pregnancy test after that... and then, just like clockwork, I got my period.
What a fucking nutcase? Who is this person that I am? What a total nightmare! I can't even tell you how relieved I was when I finally knew that I wasn't pregnant! I wore myself out... and what kind of child would I be raising? Talk about obsessive compulsive?
Now, I ask myself... am I mentally capable of getting pregnant and baring a child? I don't even have the wherewithall to use common sense around taking a pregnancy test? How am I going to rasie a child? Or even carry one for christs sake?
We stopped trying. We have gotten busy. I am again conflicted? How do women do it? How do women get pregnant, have jobs, lives, husbands and kids and stay sane? If anyone knows, please, do share the wealth? How does one stay sane after two miscarriages when trying to conceive? I am at a loss.
Since, one of my friends gave birth to a healthy baby girl- her pregnancy was flawless (or at least she made it look that way) and another one of my friends is 10 weeks pregnant. I am really happy for both of them! I know how exciting it is... I remember what is was like to be pregnant and have that innocence! I have another friend trying ... It is all around and always will be in some shape or form. Certainly, this week has been a little tough as it is more in my face than it has been.
I am still unable to visit the mittens we hung at the cemetary. My husband goes. I can't. Not yet. I still sometimes feel so broken. Like my body is broken? I feel confused? I feel unfit to mentally handle a pregnancy should we get pregnant. And then I hold a baby (because I can now) and it feels so damn natural and I yearn. It is so biological - amazing.
I just have no idea....what to do. And maybe that is okay?
Aug 21, 2005
Pissing Monsters
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5 comments:
Glad to see that you are back blogging. I watched and tried so many times to get pregnant over the years. I have seen countless women(friends) get pregnant and get pregnant again. It has been a difficult journey for me. Since I am now due again. It has become more of a scary journey. I am just 3 weeks away from my last loss date (weeks wise) the nerves are getting the best of me. I know how you feel
As for raising the insane child thinking. I once had a dog that made me feel like I could never have children because all I ever did was yell at the dog. I felt for sure there couldn't be any children because this dog was driving me nuts. Just thought I would share how our minds play some tricks on us.
http://spaces.msn.com/members/likelyangel/PersonalSpace/
Ya know what? Before I was ever a mother there were soooo many times I thought I don't want kids I can't handle kids I can't get my puppy to shit outside and I want to break his little neck and I am a nut case...lol...we all go through it. Even after my first child was born I sat on the edge of our bed and bawled that I was a bad mother. I am now a mother of 5 children and I would have had more if my uterus could have taken it. The link above is too my blog feel free to check it out. And so you know within the first month after the birth of every one of our children I bawled atleast once and thought I was a bad mom or a baby or a lunatic..really...I suggest trying to look at things with a little more light and humor. I too suffered a miscarriage on our first try at 11 weeks and then had a D&C which never got the baby out and I pushed it out 3 days after my D&C and the baby had been dead in me for two weeks before we knew. (estimated by hormones and other things) died at 9 weeks. I know how much it hurts. I would love to talk more with you. Once the pregnancy progresses it isnt always hunky dory either! These are just the challenges we face. And I know it is so cliche when we say "for a reason" but I would like to share with you the awful things that happened to me and my husband that something else later happened and if I had never gone through the first thing I never would have made it through this thing..do you get that?? LOL...keep your head high...chin up. Look at the brights if you can like atleast you can get pregnant??? That is a plus..Peace be with you.Amy
Ashley,
I hope all is well with you. Haven't heard from you in such a long time! Please update and let us know how you are!
Still waiting on an update from you!! I check at least 1x a week to see if you have posted. I so hope this note finds you well
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