Should Be Giving Birth

I should be giving birth this weekend... I was due July 4th. This has got me by the balls. I did not anticipate the due date to wreck me so. But it is. I feel such an emptiness... one that no matter what I do, I cannot fill. Let me tell you... I have bought more summer tops at TJMAXX than I will ever be able to wear in a year. I bought DVD's which I NEVER do... I rarely need to see a movie more than once. Spending money has always been my weak point... or perhaps my way of filling empty places.

I am so sad. Mad. Pissed. Angry. All the emotions that I have felt are gripping me right now. I picture what my belly should look like bursting with a 9 month old baby inside of me. I don't have a belly...

I do yoga. I get enough sleep. I talk to friends. I spend money that I shouldn't. I eat fairly well. I have good support... but no matter what... I feel lost.

I wonder if I will feel differently after the 4th. After the day passes. I don't remember the first due date being so hard... maybe it was.

I am screwed today.

Shits & Giggles

I have successfully held several babies in the last few weeks. Without crying or feeling envious or sad. I have seen big pregnant bellies... and will admit that I was a little envious of that. I have heard screaming babies... and I have to say... I am NOT envious of that.
I think about pregnancy every day. I think about my miscarriages, every day. I have gotten to a place where I believe I am "healed" enough to try again soon. I am glad I have waited.

Tonight, just for shits and giggles, I peed on a stick. Now, I KNEW I wasn't pregnant because it would be an absolute bloody miracle, immaculate conception if I was... But there is something about seeing two pink lines that excites me. I guess this is me just wishful thinking.

Life goes on. But it ain't easy. Getting through the last two losses has been such a journey. Such a trial. I cannot believe how amazingly strong women are... we really do have some serious strength.

Anyway... life moves... time passes. I never forget the little ones. Not even in my dreams.

As Is

I am at the point where I can hold babies and be around them. It feels like a giant leap. Something has lifted. I am doing better. It has been one year ago June 9th that I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I cannot believe how fast the year has gone and at the same time I can't believe how long and difficult the last year has been. On July 4th, I was supposed to give birth to a second child- conceived on my first anniversary. This won't happy. But other things good will. I will be surrounded by the people I love and I will have hope in my heart.

As of now there is no trying. No trying for a baby that is. We want to focus on our lives, our jobs and the home we are selling and the one we are potentially buying- if all goes well. Maybe then we can make another nest and give it our best shot.

No more tests for me... not for a while.

Just life. Just as is.