Little Dreams of Pink Lines

So the new job started and all is well. It is nice to be working in a business environment again after being in the non-profit. I love what the non-profs ultimately DO...

But I tell ya what I have never seen such a dysfunctional environment as I have in the one I just left. So bad, in fact, that I went to the board of directors and they are now in the process of an internal investigation. They have an employment lawyer in there interviewing people daily. I was going to file an EEOC claim and may still- but I will wait to see how things shake out with the lawyer first.

My guess is that the CEO and VP of Development are going to lose their jobs... and so they should. It is an abusive and explosive place where people are favored and mistreated all under one roof. I spent 8 months there. These are the very people that tried to lay me off while I was on bed rest. They actually did lay me off-what am I saying? They laid me off and I miscarried 12 hours later. My husband had to call from the hospital to see if I could still return to my job. Meanwhile, I know they were trying to get me out faster than they could or HAD to say "Why sure you can come back to your job!"

Pregnancy and discrimination are holding hands these days... I recorded everything while I was at that job. Though I was on bed rest most of the time and then I miscarried, I was NEVER treated the same as I was before they knew of a pregnancy.

So yeah... it is good to be somewhere else. No job is perfect but I would at least like to think that this job will stick for a while.

I woke this morning and recognized my dreams. Little pink lines and multiple pregnancy tests... yes, in my dreams I was pregnant. Two bold, pink lines. I think I took four tests in my dream just to make sure. It was sure. I was indeed pregnant. And then my alarm went off and I dressed to go to work and had a very good day.

The transition from being pregnant to losing a baby and then back to the workplace is an interesting one. Very difficult, however, if it weren't for work I think I might have just goen insane. I think I went insane anyway- but I think I really would have lost it without something else to focus on rather than the GI-NORMITY of our losses. Yes, I just made that word up.

Now, being in a business setting again with the opportunity to really climb "that ole' ladder" I am second guessing my maternal instinct. Of course, I know it is silly and ridiculous because I will eventually try and get pregnant again- but I am questioning the meaning having a child has for me? Why do I feel a child will "complete" the picture? Is it that I want a child or is it what I am "supposed" to do? I grapple with this.

If my first pregnancy would have worked I would have a child that would be a little over 2 months old right now and I KNOW that I would not be asking these questions... But that isn't the case.

I wonder how women do it? Go to work. Have a family. Be wives and friends and find time for themselves? How do women do it? I barely have time to pee- let alone manage all the balls that so many women juggle so beautifully. It is an anomaly to me, truly.

So, tomorrow, I will put on my suit (more casual than not) and drive to the city (10 minutes) and get my shitty coffee (7-11) and I will work and be proud and be thankful. I am thankful for what has touched me. Because it has jarred me into thinking about things differently.

If two pink lines showed up tomorrow I would welcome them in my door. But for now there won't be any lines. No lines to my uterus. No lines from peeing. No lines at all. For now it is about my lifeline. My husbands lifeline. Our "getting back to life" goal. And that feels good.