Cannot Find My Way Home

It seems no matter how hard I try I cannot find my way home. Where I was before I got pregnant. Where I was before I lost two babies in miscarriage. It seems that this deep seeded anger and hurt will not go away. They just bury themselves deeper. Oh, sure, I am able to laugh with the best of them again... tell a joke, be with friends... go to work without hiding in a bathroom stall, even eat. But I cannot shake the pain. The emptiness. The feeling of "I should have had a baby right now."

I see Britney Spears splashed everywhere with her bump. Now, Jennifer Garner. My friends... my family... it is everywhere and always a big fat reminder of what I can't have and what I don't have.

Do I think having a baby will complete me? No. It won't make me happy. We are the only people that can make ourselves happy. But to have the loss is so hard- so terribly sad. I see so many people let their children run wild with no supervision and it is so unfair... why do they get to have kids and I don't? What did I do wrong?

I am in tears today... and have been thinking about my blog and thinking about writing... and what has happened to me since I lost the babies is that I cannot have any down time. It is near impossible for me to be idle. I used to be able to stare out the window and daydream.... now I have to be doing something. I have to have my hands busy. I have to be busy period- even when the moment calls for relaxation and down time.

I am physically tired and have been ill for three days straight because of this new "busy habit." I am often too tired to even daydream anymore. I am always concerned that the floor is swept and the windows clean... far before daydreams.

I had my interview with Aliza- she came to the house camera and all to talk about miscarriage. http://www.moonbowproductions.com/ Silly me... I thought I could get through the process without shedding a tear. HA! Who in the fuck was I kidding? The camera rolled and tears were streaming out my eyes. I had to recall every detail- and was thankful for the experience... though didn't need to "go there" again really. I hope that the documentary gets wide distribution. please show your interest- tell your stories. The more WE talk and share the more OTHERS will listen to our pain and sadness and realize that miscarriage is a LOSS and needs to be recognized in all communities around the world, especially, the medical community, who so blatantly has a disregard for the entire phenomenon. Please show your support for this "in process" documentary and for the topic of miscarriage anywhere you can. We need voice and words to this frequent tragedy... Nobody wants to talk about it.... I can't not.

So, tears still fall. Babies are still being born. Strollers occupy the parks and streets. Babies laugh. My arms feel empty. My soul still heavy.