What's My Temperature?

Every morning I wake with the sound of a frog. The frog ribbets his way into my dreams and stirs me awake. I hit snooze at least four times before I actually even open my eyes. I have a nature alarm clock. I can wake to birds but that is way too annoying. I can wake to a heartbeat but I know I wouldn’t even budge to the heartbeat, it is way to soft. I can choose a waterfall, the sound of waves crashing and the frog. I like the frog. It makes me smile.

Once the snooze button has been hit sufficiently four times I roll over and open my second dresser drawer that harbors my bras, the latest PEOPLE magazine, a book, whichever one I am reading at the time and a chart with temperatures and dates along with a thermometer. Without even opening my eyes I push the on button and stick the thermometer beneath my morning tongue and wait. Sometimes it takes forever, especially since you cannot even pee before you take your temp. Sometimes, I fall back to sleep and the beeping signal wakes me indicating that my temperature has been recorded in the window- another words…take the damn thing out of my mouth!

I record the temp on the chart and it tells me exactly what is going on with my hormones. During my period I just mark XXX’s in the boxes. But the day my period ends I begin taking my temp. On the days that I begin to ovulate my temp will raise and stay high. If I am pregnant my temp will stay high. If I am not pregnant my temp will immediately plummet. It is biologically and scientifically impressive. I can tell when I am pregnant before a pregnancy test now. Thank god I won’t be wasting money on any more of those for a while!

And I probably won’ t be seeing myself pregnant either. I need some time. I just know it. As much as I want a baby and really want to make a go of this parenting thing I know I need time. I am scarred and torn and really still very sad. I am a lot better than I was a few months ago but I am not whole yet and it wouldn’t be fair.

I have so many things going on that I think it is best to just be okay with now and be okay with the process of waiting for the right time. I have never been good at waiting for anything- but I have to now. I cannot just “want” something and then make this happen. It has to happen when the time is right.

Once again, I am beginning a new job and with that comes stress and a whole set of new ideas and expectations. And surely I cannot wind up pregnant in the first few months of a new job. See, I did that once… and I had a big target on my back the rest of the time I was employed with the organization. I was a ‘pregnancy risk’ and was never treated the same after I got pregnant and even after I lost my baby. I think they assumed I would just get knocked up again and they would have to deal. Well, lucky for them, I resigned. Assholes. But now I am moving into a position when I am going to have an enormous amount of responsibility and there are going to be greater expectations. I am happy about this. And I know that holding off for a while is appropriate. Not what I envisioned but okay.

Our lives just need a huge big breath of fresh air and maybe some laughter and some down time. Room to grow into our skin together, Bob and I. Time to heal. Space to manage the losses and the gains and just some freedom. People keep saying we will get our chance… and one way or another I am pretty sure we will.

So I will keep waking to the ribbett each morning and I will take my temp just so I know what my body is doing inside. I still have tests to take but I have decided to take a break on that as well; at least until the end of April. I just need a break. I cannot have any more people digging around inside of me for a while. No more stirrups… just for a while.

And I will keep hoping deep inside that when the time is right it will present itself.

To the anonymous poster who told me to “get over it” and that my “writing was very angry….” You are correct. I am angry. And this is where I resolve that. This is where I become whole. You landed on my page. Go home… let me and all of us be what we need to be. That is what this is about. It is called ‘healing.’ So please… don’t come back you are not welcome.

Be well everyone… talk soon.