My Blood is Good

Woman in a Seabrook

After several weeks of waiting for my blood tests results I almost forgot about them. I figured if something was wrong the OBGYN would call. She called today. But the problem is all my blood is normal. Why is that a problem you ask? Well, first of all, it would seem that losing two babies in a six month period of time could be explained with something that might be wrong with me. But my blood work is perfectly normal so there is nothing to “fix.” I am confused. They warned me that I should prepare myself that everything may come back “normal…” but I never thought it would.

I still have to get a biopsy and perhaps something there will be abnormal. And I still have to get my uterus shot with pink dye… I am sure there is a scientific name for this but I forget what it is? Of course, it isn’t as if I want something to be wrong- I just wish there was an explanation- and maybe there never will be. But what if I get through these tests and I am ALL NORMAL?

What an oxy-moron… for the first time in my life I was hoping for bad test results so that I could at least have hope knowing that my losses were a result of XYZ… but my losses, as of today cannot be explained. How frustrating.

I hate not having control. Taking control away from a control freak is like taking crack away from a crack addict… And I know control is an illusion… but still, I like to think I have some… humor me.

I will know more after the remaining tests in March.

Our Babies Have a Home

Our Babies Have a Home

Bob suggested we take the mittens right away. As I sat at my computer writing the last blog I didn't think I could stand up, let alone go hang my lost babies mittens on a tree next to a gravesite of a long lost friend.

But we did it. Bob hung the blue mittens with a note inside. I hung the green mittens with a note tucked away as well. I took pictures with the digital camera. Somehow, years down the road I will be glad that I have these pictures. Our faces swollen with tears.

I have no idea where I just found the strength to do that. My husband probably. The need to release. The need to move forward and find my smile again. The need to let me little souls fly free.

The mittens are overlooking the Front Range of Colorado. Each night they will see an amazing sunset. Every morning a quiet and smooth sunrise. I know because I have spent time at Spence's grave... I know what it looks like early in the morning. I know what it looks like at Christmas. I know what it looks like in summertime. It is a beautiful place.

I feel better... my babies have a home.

Hanging Mittens

So many women pay tribute to their lost babies. And for the last few months, after losing two babies, I think this has been too painful a thought. I cannot clip an angel pin to my blazers- that just isn't me. I cannot buy birth stones as my babies we not born. I admit, I have ridiculed the symbols in my mind and have not been able to understand how doing something symbolic to honor my unborn children would help make matters better.

Today, my husband and I had to pass time before a movie and we hit the mall that was attached. We wandered around with no real destination, no goal. The loads of strollers and babies grabbed at my heart and tugged as if it were war. The children popping up from every corner of my vision dug a hole in my gaping wound... and then it all collapsed when I saw the babies being propped up like dolls in the window of a studio wearing bunny ears, surrounded with painted eggs, pastel background to boot.

I collapsed. The tears streamed so hot and so easily down my face. It is like a cannon ball bursting through the core of my being- it takes over. I have never in my life experienced something so powerful as the grief I feel with the loss of our two babies. Nothing in the world, in this life, in any book, on any blog, in any grief group will ever prepare or completely heal someone for the loss of a child, a baby, even a fetus. They are different levels of loss- but they are as deep and vast as the Grand Canyon. Nothing can fill that hole.

My husband held my neck to steer me away from the window with the propped babies in bunny ears. He pointed me forward. He was driving me like a car...trying to avoid a crash, a scene, any more pain. But the pain is always there, even when I steer clear of it.

We stumbled into a dollar store to look around for nothing. My eyes were out of focus and my heart thumping from the near crash of human and public displays of total pain and sadness. I came across little tiny mittens. One pair of green and one pair of blue. I had to buy them. I wanted to honor our babies - and it was then that I understood the symbolism.

I decided right there and then that we would take these little mittens and string them in the tree that we planted when one of our very close friends died 15 years ago. In that tree are bells that my father hung the day Spence was buried. When the tree was planted 15 years ago I could reach those bells. Now they pierce the sky and I would need a ladder. Beneath the tree is Spence's grave. On his grave there is a poem that Spence wrote before he die, It reads: "You cannot beg a rose to stay, oh why does it have to be that way."

I don't think Bob knew how to handle my request at doing this but said "If it will make you fell better...." I think the idea of creating a symbolic remembrance really caught his breath like an unsuspecting fish nagged by a hook. I don't know if it will make me feel better but I am going to do it anyway. I am not sure if anything will make me feel better. But the mittens.... somehow... they belong in the tree by Spence. And in my gut I know that.

Bob and I are going to take these mittens, a step ladder and pin notes inside and hang them by the bells. This is the perfect place. The mittens can see the mountains and feel the wind. They will see the first flower pop its head through the ground when spring wakes through the cold winter. They will see the sky and hear the birds. They will feel the hot sun and see the stars. They will be together as they should be - in death as they could have been in life. Perhaps, they are all together looking down together...

I am sorry for every ridiculing physical memorials of miscarried children. I wasn't big enough or strong enough to fathom the idea that someone could actually draw more relevance to an unborn child than necessary... and through this blog and my writing, I have come to realize that no matter what the age of a baby that is lost, 2 months 20 years, there is always relevance to a life and a life that has been lost. I can't not honor my babies.

What Do You Say To The Dead...

Woman Crying

Someone told me recently that all souls choose their time. They choose their parent's and they choose their length of stay. I am not sure if this was a comforting thought for me. All I can think is "why didn't my two little souls choose to stay with us?" If this philosophy is true, then why didn't my babies want to stay? What made it that their stay had to be so entirely too short on this planet. So short in fact, that I never ever got to meet, hold or kiss each one.

I am not sure how I feel about that statement. Or any of the statements and words of comfort that come spouting out from people trying to console the unexplained. "Oh, it is just natures way of taking care of itself." "Don't worry, you will have others!" Or what about "Don't worry, you will get to try again, and the fun is all in the trying!" What people in general don't understand is these words and anecdotes are actually the salt in the wound- at least for me.

The fact that I get to "try" again is really great. But it doesn't bring my first two babies back. The fact that it might have been natures way of taking care of herself... well, I am not one to argue with mother nature- though I would like too. It is the words that people are so quick to speak when they have NO idea what they are talking about and have NO idea what someone like myself and the countless millions of other women are going through.

The best words I have received thus far have been "I am really sorry. If you ever need to talk or cry I am right here." Simple. Open. Smart.

It is hard to know what to say when someone loses someone. I know. It is awkward. Strange and uncomfortable- but it cannot be ignored nor replaced with anecdotes. If someone lost their mother I wouldn't say "Well, at least you had a mother!" Or, "Well, she lived a long and happy life." These statements really are void of all thought. They are stupid and dense. Perhaps just saying "I'm sorry for your loss... if there is anything I can do please call." That is enough. That says it all. No one can ever measure the depth of someone else's pain and the run of the mill words don't work- they are shallow- they lack introspection and actually make things sting even more.

I have been guilty of these thoughtless words. And through my experiences of losing two babies I will no longer think I can make someone feel better with fadic communion- death deserves more thought and concern and perhaps less quip and whimsy.

Fish Bowl Babies

I keep dreaming of dead babies. I don't know why- but they are dead. I always feel like a bystander and there is nothing I can do.

How awful it is to wake in the morning and still feel helpless and unable to save my babies from dying.

Sometimes I dream that I see a baby growing in a fish bowl... I watch it as it grows... like one of those toys you I use to emerge in water and watch it expand to the size of its environment. Fish Bowl Baby... if only it were that easy to grow a baby..."just add water."

Sometimes I dream I have my hand on my belly and there is a baby inside. And there isn't.

Pregnancy surrounds me and I am not even pregnant. It follows me in and out of my dreams.

I just wonder if I will ever know the innocence that I felt the second I realized that I was pregnant for the first time... the possibility that I felt. The love I knew. The difference in myself overnight. I wonder if I will know that again- or will I feel threat and fear if I am ever able to conceive again?

I wonder if I will ever be able to grow a baby.

What the Hell Do I Want Anyway?

I have no idea what I want from day to day. Some days I picture myself as a high powered executive in the business world...Other days I am a mom holding a baby. After having 2 miscarriages I feel confused. Some days I am absolute in what I want. And what I want is to try again...Have hope...Grow big...Give birth and be a mom to a beautiful child.

Other days I question myself and my entire "plan" here on earth. "Maybe I wasn't meant to have a baby" I say to others... outloud... to test the waters. Most say that I am being silly. That a lot of women have miscarriages and they don't give up.

Sometimes I just don't know how I will go through another pregnancy...

Wondering from moment to moment if I will feel the slip of blood- a fetus dropping down to die.

I wonder how I will feel if we try to get pregnant and have complications?
And if we try and are successful, what exactly will that look like?

I wonder all of this. It is all so unpredictable. When I was pregnant with the 2nd baby I swore I couldn't go through it again if I lost that pregnancy... and then I lost it. And as time moves on... I think I may have another try in me... I may be able to give it a go....

But the corporate woman edges her way into my brain. The woman feeding a child splits my brain. Is it possible to have both? Is it better to be one or the other? I worry that I will fail. I feel as if I have already failed not being able to carry a child.

And I wonder if it would be easier to come back as a man in my next life?

Tears on the Windowsill

I can hear my tears. They are loud and silky. My face has trails for them so when they fall they have a map to guide them to their landing place.

Sometimes I look out the window of our bedroom. I love this particular window. It looks over a big beautiful yellow house with a big yard and a rooftop deck. I never see anyone in or around the house...

I imagine one day that I will live in a home like the one I look at and I will have children running through the hallway's. I can see the kids diapers falling down as they walk toward me saying "Mama..." with pooched lips- there are two kids very close in age... a boy and a girl. They vie for my attention. I open my arms. I am surrounded by bottles and cribs and baby scent. Fresh and new and innocent. I imagine that I look up and see a woman staring down at me through her window. She looks sad- I can practically see the tears welled up in her eyes and they drop to the windowsill. I wonder what makes her so sad. Her eyes watching wide with want.

I look over that house each day. I want that open space with pitter-patter feet running toward me. I want my arms around children. I want to smell innocence. I want to patch over the maps of tears on my face so they don't become too use to a free expressway down my cheeks. I want to build my heart so it can love instead of hide. I want the girl in the window to wipe her tears and go toward the baby that is crying in her nursery...

Two Baby Showers... and a Bathroom Stall

I walked into work today and there were streamers and balloons for Anne who is giving birth in March. "Hi Baby Griffin" the streamers read... and from there I knew it would be a tough day. There was a whole baby shower, potluck adventure around Anne's baby to come. All the way to work I told myself that if it were me they would do this as well. That it is a tiny human live joining the world and that I should be happy for her. I told myself that I would be strong.

Before I even got my plate to fill... I dropped tears and tore off to the bathroom. Slumped in the stall I cried my eyes out and tried to breath... Tired to get my shit together so I could re-join the Baby Shower- after all, Anne asked me if I would take pictures for her with my digital camera. "Sure Anne, no problem!" I agreed.

My eyes were beat red. But I forced myself back out and took pictures of Anne's cake with baby booties on it. I took pictures of Anne's belly. I took pictures of Anne's streamers. My tears behind the lens.

Today, when I got home from work there was an invitation to a Baby Shower for some friends who are giving birth in April. All the pretty paper. All the pretty colors.

All the pain in my soul... Just when I think I am getting better I feel like I am starting from square one.

Tossed and Tired.

I dreamt last night that I had an operation- probably a D&C. When it was over I was looking for someone to take me home but instead I wandered into the nursery and all I saw were perfect little newborns.

I wandered outside and a homeless man asked me for some money.

People were smoking cigarettes and I didn't have anyone there- I was lost.

Experiential Women's Group

Tonight, after choosing not to go through traditional therapy I began an Experiential Women's Group that has a Hakomi based philosophy.

"Hakomi Experiential Psychotherapy combines the Eastern traditions of mindfulness and non-violence with a unique, highly effective Western methodology. Hakomi is a body-centered, somatic psychotherapy. The body's structures and habitual patterns become a powerful doorway to unconscious core material, including the hidden core beliefs which shape our lives, relationships, and self-images.The Hakomi Method quickly accesses this core material, allowing it to emerge safely into consciousness. Once conscious, it can be re-evaluated, and where appropriate, powerfully transformed. New dimensions of awareness can be integrated, helping the individual to build a more satisfying and effective life. Loving presence and the healing relationship are central to Hakomi. The process creates an exquisite level of sensitivity and attunement between therapist and client, developing a deep sense of safety and connection which facilitates the effectiveness of the therapy. The Hakomi Institute was founded in Boulder, Colorado in 1981 by Ron Kurtz and a core group of trainers. Since then, the Institute has expanded to offer Hakomi training around the world. Workshops and trainings are currently held in the United States, Canada, Europe, Asia, South America, Australia, and New Zealand. The Institute also maintains a directory of Certified Hakomi Therapists in the U.S. and abroad."

The group has 6 women, two of which are the Psychotherapists that lead the group. I found out about the group on www.craigslist.org which is an amazing resource by itself and serves as a community portal in each city. I decided I would try the group- as it is eight weeks long and I could drop it at anytime if it wasn't serving a purpose.

Typically, I come off as a confidant woman. Weather this is truth or not has yet to be determined. When I walked into the People House www.peoplehouse.com where the group convened I started to become really anxious. I am nut usually nervous around therapy or new journeys - I actually quite like trying new things. This was different. I knew that when we went around the small circle that I would have to share how I ended up in a group such as this. And I did. And when I opened my mouth I completely fell to pieces explaining the last 16 months of my life drew tears to even the moderator. It is so powerful to unload and share and weep in a safe place with other women- regardless if they know what it feels like to lose a baby- each one of the women there tonight is in some kind of pain- and our tears connected.

This feels better than traditional 1:1 therapy. This way there is a circle and a sense of community and bonding. I so need this- even more than I knew. Though I have a wonderful support network and loving family, one can only shed so many tears and keep re-telling the same stories of adversity. It is nice that this is a non-biased group of women that are really there to just heal and be. I realized tonight how much work I really have ahead of me to regain my strength and my full self after the last year or so. And on the way home I thought, WOW, what an opportunity to grow and really take this time to take care of myself. I feel really lucky for time right now- every second I get I am thankful for.

There is a song by Damien Rice http://www.damienrice.com on his "O" CD that says something like "Life taught me how to die, love taught me to lie, stones taught me to fly" it is a beautiful song... I don't know the order- but it makes me really feeeeeeeel- and it makes so much sense.

Sweet Dreams
Ashley E.

A Woman by the Light of the Moon

A women by the Light of the Moon

Desperate

Sad

Alone

Empty

A women by the light of the moon.

She stares off to see if she can catch a shooting star

glide through the night

perhaps it is her babies

soaring through the air

wing-tipped and strong

just not in her arms

A woman by the light of the moon

She cannot touch their toes

their nose

she cannot smell them

hear them

hold them

A woman by the light of the moon

Ashley E. Underell

I Take Thee Child

I Take Thee Child
A Parent’s Vows
I take thee young one,
To be my beloved child

I take thee to have:
As my God given trust and responsibility,
This mortal parenthood my proud calling.

I take thee to hold close
while you are small and helpless,
close as you may grow
when my arms, eyes and ears
my hands, tongue and heart
can give comfort,
but with pliable heart strings
not apron strings.

I take thee for better:
My life better for you being,
The world lovelier,
For pride in your growth,
First steps, first words,
Your unfolding talents and ideas,
For joy, for fun, for friend and companion.

I take thee for worse:
Whenever need be, not knowing now
It’s shape.
If it touch you a sore affliction
I shall seek God’s help to lighten it,
If it engulf us in the dark of dispute
I shall relight our path with affection,
If it strike as calamity or disgrace
I shall never forsake you.

I take thee for richer:
Richer now, I endow thee
With all my worldly goods.
With food, clothing, and shelter.
More: My time, my inner self, a growing parent.
With family as your rightful inheritance,
Intact insofar as I can preserve it;
Inviolable ties with loved ones,
Pride in forebears, humble or mighty.
With home, wherin to enjoy family and friends
While retaining rights
To solitude.
While country to honor and serve,
Yours it’s rich heritage
And potential future
With a world of growing horizons
And multitudes awaiting your personal offering.
With my respect for your individuality.
Encouragement to do for yourself what you can do,
Free will to choose one day
Your own life’s work,
Your own life’s partner
Whom I shall welcome.
With loyalty, myself your steady advocate.
With reference for our creator,
Source and strength.

I take thee poorer:
And count myself no martyr
If I must sacrifice.
I dedicate my work to your outer needs,
My shared leisure to your
Inner yearnings
So you may learn the dignity of giving.

I take thee in sickness:
To nurse tenderly, guarding
Your physical safety
By my vigilance, foresight
And instruction,
Sparing you neglect always,
Sparing you injury of harsh punishment.

I take thee in health:
Knowing health combines sound
Body, mind and soul.
I regard your body as your spirits vessel,
Teach you cleanliness and zest for healthful food.
I dissuade self-indulgence,
Encourage self-mastery
Through balanced work, recreation
And response.
I respect learning, provide its atmosphere
That you may seek an educated mind.
I further your skills,
Accept your limitations, and put no kindred child before thee…
Or after.
I discipline your sensibly,
Guide you to moral and social values.
I arm you against the lure of false banners
But welcome those who inspire you rightfully.
I explain life’s processes as sacred and foster the highest attributes
Of your sex.
I strive to model health’s daily therapy;
Praise for success, sympathy for failure, a
A cheerful voice and laughter within a happy home.
I observe all things about you and keep them in my heart as a
Compass.

I take thee child:
Resolving to renew these vows devoutly,
Reviewing my own values, lest them dim,
Expressing sorrow when I misjudge you,
Starting anew each time I fail.

In Lieu of a ring:
I pledge you my fidelity with a ring of love
To encircle us both, woven of word and deed
And the shining thread of spirit.

By Dorothy Rose

Baby Kingsley Died

July 16th, 2004


Dear Little Baby,

You died. You died about two and a half weeks ago. Today, I would have been 11 weeks pregnant with you. Somehow, we lost you along the way and your little soul has left us. We are devastated. Your little life inside my belly made my heart flutter and gave me such purpose. Your father never worked harder, and had new inspiration to make life for you and for us, the best possible. I know these things happen. They always say “life isn’t fair” and boy, whoever they are, they are RIGHT!

We lost you, but we will never forget you, ever. You taught us so much. Our love for one another has grown more than I ever thought possible. You taught me about silence and peace, and to just sit a while with my thoughts before acting. You taught me patience….which is a big one. Each day, I had to be patient with my body, with it’s changes and with the constant nagging thought that something could go wrong. But I kept the faith. And, still, something just wasn’t right.

What I have learned the most, is how lucky I am. I am so lucky to have met your father and to have found the kind of love in him and with him that some, only dream of. I feel blessed that I have a healthy body, and can conceive again, hopefully.

With you , we learned that we could get pregnant, and be loving and caring parents.
I learned what I want out of life. Thanks to you, I know that I want to be a Mom and that being a MOM will be the most important job of my life. Before I got pregnant with you, I didn’t know. I knew that it was what “people did” and that I thought it would be cool to have a baby. I liked kids, always have. But now, I know. I know that I would get pregnant tomorrow if I could and I would do it all over again. And, I am praying that we will have the chance.

But you little one, your soul has taken flight. For that I am more sad than I have ever been in my life. Your father is too. The people that were ready and excited to welcome you into this world have all shared their sorrow with us. We have a good family and great friends around us. I will always know you. I will always be grateful for you. I will always think of you. And I will always, always love you.

Good Bye Little Kingsley,
Love
Mommy.

Hey Baby

July 14, 2004


Hey Baby,

It has been a few weeks since I wrote to you. Now, you are 10 ½ weeks old. Growing by leaps and bounds each day I am sure. Your father and I saw the first Ultra Sound about two weeks ago. We saw your little heartbeat, and your little body in my womb. It was beautiful. Striking actually. The ultrasound was a great experience- it confirmed for your Dad and I that you really are in there, and I haven’t actually been invaded by aliens and tranquilized! You are actually there and growing. When I saw you my first instinct was that you were a girl. NOW… if you are a boy, I am equally happy, we both are. But I had this over powering instinct that you were a little girl, and it was strange. Your father thinks you are a boy. Time will tell. But what really matters to use the most is that you are healthy! During this time that you have been growing inside of me, I have been growing too. I have learned so much. I have learned how precious and miraculous life is. It truly is. I have learned that even though I just took a nap, I could go right back to bed. OH, wait, I already knew that! I have learned that being pregnant is often tough on the body but really builds the spirit. There is something about pregnant women that people love… they want to take care of me. And do. People are so supportive and excited to meet you. I am too. At night, I mostly can’t sleep. I have insomnia, so I am awake and on the computer looking for jobs so that I can help your father with some income. He is working so hard… he is such a good man. I hope that you are like your father. When he comes home from work, he makes sure to kiss my belly and talk to you- but I bet you know this already. He rubs my belly, and I keep asking him “Am I showing?” But not yet. I think you are still a little one in there. Soon, I bet you will decide to have a spurt of growth and that is when I will look in the mirror and study my changing frame, and smile. I look forward to a pregnancy belly. I can’t believe women call it “fat.” Being pregnant should not even be in the same sentence as the word fat and it upsets me that so many people get hung up on that. I have taken good care of my body over the last 7 months, and hopefully you have a healthy home inside me… and when you come out, you will have a healthy home with your Dad and I. I can’t wait to kiss your eyes, and cuddle you. And call you my little monkey. Your Grandpa Ray called me little monkey all my life, still does. I hope you don’t mind? I love you so much it is incredible. So do the people in my life. Your Grandma Liz is so excited to meet you. We have some time yet, you need to grow and get strong and so do I. When you come to meet us, it will be the celebration of a lifetime. I am so happy you will be part of us. I must try now to go to sleep. Levi and Luna are watching over me every second of the day making sure I am smiling… and I am.

I love you baby,
Mommy

Hello Baby Kingsley

June 23, 2004


Hello Baby,

Your Mommy has been so tired! All I want to do is sleep. And do! I don’t have a job right now, so I have a huge luxury of being able to sleep almost as much as I want! It is glorious! You are growing inside of me everyday. Now, I think we are at about 7 ½ weeks. I can feel my uterus expand… and I am hungry, even when I just ate! I am reading all the pregnancy books, and really, some of them are informational, but a lot of them keep telling me how “fat” I am going to get and how my ankles are going to look like tree stumps. I look at this differently. I am not going to get “fat”. I am creating a home for you while you grow, and will continue to do so forever. Weather it is inside of me, or outside of me. Growing is just part of the beauty. It means your growing and that is what I want. I always want to watch you grow, and by seeing myself and my tummy expand I will know that you are getting what you need before you come out to play.

Your father is simply exhausted. He is working so hard! He leaves really early in the morning and comes home around 5 or 6 in the evening and he is usually wiped. The good thing about this is that I am beginning to win at Backgammon, our favorite game, as he is too tired to make suitable strategic decisions. This I like. But I miss him when we can’t spend a little quality time together. As our family grows I am sure he and I will have to work at this harder than ever.

Each day for the last few weeks of knowing that I had been lucky enough to have a baby, and that you had joined us, I have been doing my best to be a good mom, even though right now, I just have to do little stuff. I am sorry if you are sick of Bean and Cheese Burritos. Somehow, it is getting me what I need. I hope you aren’t too grossed out! And, I hope you like V-8 juice and cereal. I have such food hang-ups right now. But I am sure I will down some vegetables sooner or later. Yech! I take Luna and Levi to the dog park where they run and play- and they just love it. And then we come home, eat the notorious burrito and then crawl into bed. It really isn’t half bad! At night, since I have slept so much during the day, I am wide-awake, wondering, what am I going to name the baby? Your father and I disagree on a lot of names. But I know we will find the right one for you. I think about what you will be like. And will I get hemorrhoids. I wonder if pregnancy will take long. I mean, I know it takes 9 months, but I wonder if it will go by fast like everything else, or if it will be a slower process, where I have to be patient? Patience is not my strong suit. But you will learn this. Your father is very patient; so we balance one another. And you will learn this also.

On this particular day, I was with your Grandma Liz and your Goddess Mother Amy. We peeked into some stores with baby stuff and just started going bonkers over how cute the outfits were!! We all have to hold ourselves back from buying stuff. I guess, it just isn’t good luck. But let me tell you something little baby, boy or girl, you are going to be one stylish little kid, with that Grandmother Liz of yours!! Her eyeballs were as big as saucers when she saw how far baby and kids clothes had come. I have a feeling you will be wearing a lot if hats and shoes. Hey, she has good taste. Don’t worry.

I love you so much already. I think of you morning, noon and night. You’re my center. Everything I do now, is, because of you, sometimes, running to the bathroom 5 times in single meal setting, it is still I am thinking of you, and not perturbed. What a miracle.

I look forward. And I cross my fingers and toes that you are bouncing around in there with a little smile. And that you can hear the laughter out here. And that you know when the dogs are curled up to my belly. I bet it gets extra warm in there when they do that, and they do it every day and night. They must know. So bounce away baby. I am here.

I love you,
Mommy

A Letter to TLC

**This is a letter I wrote to the Learning Channel when I was pregnant the first time in June 2004. I was entering a contest to have a room in our home decorated - we wanted a nursery but couldn't afford it.**

www.tlc.com

June 2004

We have been working on our house for 5 months- painting, putting in hardwood floors, getting new furniture...you name it. AND THEN WHAM!!! I found out I am pregnant, and the room we turned into a DEN now needs to be a nursery! We are exhausted, poor, and I want to surprise my husband because he has worked so hard on the rest of the house- this truly would be a treat, and a shock to him. I think doing a nursery that isn't too loud but more calm and peaceful; Zen like would be really fitting.

He has good taste. Right now, we have redone our home and have take away the clutter! It is very clean lined and simple. Bob is simple. He doesn't like clutter and he loves color. We have Orange, Blue, Lime Green on our walls now; Hey, it looks cool!

I want to change this room, because we are expecting our first child, and we didn't think we would be able to have children because I have had complications. It is a huge blessing. We have been working on our house for the better part of 5 months, and have drained our savings and thought we were done, when I found out I was pregnant we realized that we would need to create a nursery for our little one to come. The thought of painting one more wall, or moving one more piece of furniture makes my Husband cringe!! He has worked so hard, we both have and I want to surprise him!

I would create a need for a house sitting situation for him. Our friends would ask him to house sit in Boulder, CO. and they can stay at their parents house- which is close by, but pretend they are going on vacation. Their house is in Boulder where he works anyway, so it would be a nice change, he wouldn't have to commute 1 hour to work for those two days. It would be easy.

I am newly pregnant and am due in February. My husband and I met while I was out writing an article for the newspaper I was working for. I went to cover a story on "SPEED DATING" and Bob was my third date that night. We dated for two months, decided to get engaged and married after only knowing one another 6 months! It was love, instantly! We love to camp, and spend time with our dogs, and travel, though, we haven't done much of that, as we have both been in and out of work this past year. We were both laid off the day we came back from our honeymoon (from different companies!) and the first six months of marriage were really tough for use both. The economy in Denver has been so tough! I am now out of work, and taking it easy for my first trimester. BUT.. in 1 1/2 years, Bob and I met, dated, moved in together, got engaged, planned a wedding, got married, got laid off, got another dog, got jobs, I finished my contract, and then we got pregnant. We packed a whole life into 1 year!!! We have so much love for one another and are so good together. We make a great team. We are both college graduates, he from USC, me from Fort Lewis College in Durango, CO. He is a hard worker and is selling WIND for Choice Renewable Energy. When I am working, I am in Marketing and Sales, but I am also a writer! We are really looking forward to being parents, as we didn't think we would have this chance... and the little one, is due in February. How scary, wonderful, amazing, exciting life is right now!! I would be so happy to be chosen for this project- and I know it would make Bob the happiest man in the world. He is just finally getting rid of the blood blisters he acquired from laying our hard wood floors!

Thank you for listening!

My husband Bob loves to ride his beach cruiser that he has had since the 70's. He is also inspired by the notion and reality of family; he comes from a very non-traditional family that has been quite fragmented. He loves spending time with our two dogs, Luna and Levi, both a dream! He is a very hard worker, and is so gentle and genuine to people. He is the best husband a wife could ask for… I really mean it. He has so much integrity, and values the smallest, most simple things that so many overlook. I learn from him every day.

With Gratitude,

Ashley E. Underell

When I Was Pregnant With You

June 16, 2004


I knew something was off on the Sunday your father and I found out we were pregnant with you. I wasn’t feeling well from the time I got up, and knew that there were tons of things that needed to be done, after all, we were right in the middle of remodeling our house. I felt tired, and just under the weather. I never had a cough or even a sneeze, but I wanted to do NOTHING that day, and ended up powering through. Your father and I had a full day at Home Depot and Carpet Exchange, which had become like playgrounds to us over the past three months. We were motivated and committed to making our home into a happy, colorful and less cluttered environment. That particular day, June 5, 2004, we were picking out the hardwood floors that we would install ourselves. I was restless. I had no appetite, but had to eat because I was weak. I had a hot dog in front of Home Depot. When we were getting close to going home I suggested we pick up a pregnancy test just to rule out the “possibility” of being pregnant. I probably just had the flu I was thinking as I paid for the test. Your typical E.P.T. test, this time, on special there was two in a box. Those things are expensive!

We got home and it was dark out. I don’t remember what we did, but I know that it was around 8:00pm when I took the test. I peed on the stick, as you do, and it immediately changed. I was no rookie at these. The two lines indicating pregnancy were glaring and obvious right away. I picked up the test and walked toward your father, and said, “Well, according to this, you’re going to be a Daddy.” I said it with a tone of sarcasm, like, it wasn’t really true. And it certainly was not your average “Hallmark Moment.” Because seconds later I was crying and yelling, “ I am the most selfish fucking person I know, how can I have a child?” And then I kept crying as your father wrapped his arms around me and I said, “We just painted the house, now the new baby will mess it all up!!” I was exasperated. I insisted that I take the other test. I needed full proof evidence that the rhythm method had failed us after a year or so of success! I gulped more water.. And more, and had to pee right away. I peed all over the second stick, and the two lines were faint. I thought to myself, AHA! See, I am not really pregnant! I sent your father to the store for another test.

While he was gone, being unemployed I immediately started looking in the Sunday paper for a job. I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t pace, or call anyone. I just looked for a job, and made it all the way through the paper with my trusty highlighter before he returned with the second set of tests. This time I really had to pee. I had been drinking water furiously so that I could do the test again. Third test, its 8:45pm. I peed all over the stick and ruined the test. 4th test, 8:47pm. The test was showing nothing, and then the lines both appeared, faintly. I started to think. Had I had any symptoms and just not noticed? I mean, yeah, my period was late by 5 days, but that wasn’t unusual.
My dear friend Pamela called shortly after test 4 and said they were on their way to the hospital, that her husband was failing from cancer.

Your father and I put everything down and rushed to the hospital to be with them. We got to sit with Bert, who you would have loved. He was a pistol!!! He wasn’t in any pain, but he was bored of being sick. He looked awful, and it was apparent that we had made it in time to say our goodbyes. Bert and Pamela were the first to know that you were part of our lives now. And it was as I was sitting by Bert’s hospital bed that I realized that I had actually asked your father to take me to IHOP several times over the course of the last few weeks for nothing other than pancakes… I didn’t even like pancakes, I thought, as I was telling Bert and Pamela my new discovery. We got to share some laughs with Bert and Pamela, and then we told him we loved him, and we hugged Pamela. Your father and I drove home, and it was so special to be able to say goodbye to someone like that. I had never had that chance before. Bert died that early morning. And, I realized that as his life was passing, yours was just beginning, or at least, we thought. I made your father go to the store one more time. Just one more test. He came home with a new, state of the art, and digital home pregnancy test. I couldn’t mess this one up. The window either said, PREGNANT or NOT PREGNANT. I did my thing, and waited as patiently as possible, and sure enough, the word PREGNANT flashed across the screen.

I walked into the bedroom, and laid down with your father who is calm, and amazingly at peace, and we realized then that we were going to be parents. We were going to have a child. We were going to have, YOU. It was the most turning moment of my life thus far. In minutes, our reality and world shifted. It was now, all about YOU. And, hey, like I said, I always liked it when it was about me!! What can I say, I liked being first. But then, immediately, I rubbed my belly, and we fell asleep from exhaustion, and when I woke, I knew our lives were different and I was excited, scared, nervous, happy, thrilled, terrified for the adventure we were about to embark upon.

I went to my friend the next day; he is also my Doctor. He did a test, just to really be sure, and sure enough, it was sure!!! The next day, I saw the nurse for my OBGYN and she did all the calculating and timing, and it was determined that I was about 5 weeks pregnant. Holy shit! And I hadn’t even been sick once. Well, this isn’t so bad I thought. And then they took blood, and I knew there was and HIV test in there somewhere, and those always terrified me. What a scary disease. Everyone in my generation hates those tests, and we all avoided them. It is still a disease with a stigma attached, and of course it made me look back at all the mistakes I had made. But I can’t regret. So I gave blood willingly because this was about you now. Not my fears. Whatever it took to have a healthy baby. They determined you would join us on February 6, 2005.

With the news I called everyone. Amy. Heather. Your Grandmother Lizzy. Your Grandpa Ray in New Zealand. Your Uncle Shawn and Aunt Marla. I sent an email to the people I don’t talk to regularly. We tried getting a hold of your father’s mother, Grandma Joyce and Grandpa Bob, but they were tougher to reach. Everyone was happy and in shock. You are the first baby to be conceived in my family (Underell family) and I was the first to get pregnant. My mom and dad, your grandparents had been waiting to be grandparents for a while, and now they were going to get the chance. They were also very glad that you were not another K-9 addition to the family. Your father and I are dog lovers and have Luna and Levi, whom you will meet, and they thought, when we told them that they were going to be Grandparents, that we had gotten another dog. The dogs know your grandparents as “Grandma and Grandpa” as well.

Spreading the news was fun. I think I was hysterical through the whole thing. Excited, timid, and scared. What if… what if.. what if. You will come to learn, that I am a big “What iffer” or maybe you won’t because I will do my best not to pass that trait on to you. It is too crippling. Our friends and families are so happy. It has been 10 days since we learned of the news. I have been taking it really easy. You’re in my womb, and I try to get as many bean and cheese burritos as possible, some pancakes, lots of V-8 juice and Orange Juice too. But, eating doesn’t interest me. Right now, it is for survival. And I can’t think of certain foods… it will make me sick. I just avoid them all together, for right now at least. Your grandmother Lizzy is already nagging me that you aren’t getting enough vegetables. Trust me, you’ll get them. Right now, I am about 6 ½ weeks along and you aren’t but an inch in my tummy. But I have already thought of a 1,000 names for you and wondered what life will be like when you join us. I wonder how big my boobs really will get; they are already sore as hell. And I wonder how much weight my body will put on, now that I am at my “perfect” weight of 120lbs. Haven’t been that in 10 years.

I can’t sleep at night, at least not till around 2 or 3. Then I go to sleep, with you on my mind. And I know I will be a good mom. I had a good teacher. I don’t worry about that. I worry about kids calling you names, and tough days, and failed exams. I worry about you being a teenager. It’s such a tough time! I wonder if you will like the dogs; after all, they are your big brother and sister, kind of. They will watch out for you. I wonder if you will look like your father and have his big blue eyes. And I hope, hope, hope, that you get his calm. I would rather you get that than my craziness, my anxiety.

Mostly, I just pray that you hang on in there, and stay healthy and I pray that you are going to stick around, and be born in February. I think about you so much. It’s amazing.
Pregnancy is so much more than I thought it would be. It is so enormous. It is so life altering. It is like growing a new skin, a better one. A brighter one. A softer one. I feel lucky everyday… and my problems are little compared! Now it is about you. It is about us. It is about our family growing. I am looking so forward to sharing this experience with you. My child. My baby.

Good night for now.
Mommy

Ashley E. Underell

Mary Nonde -Today, five out of six women miscarry an alarming statistic which is worth taking seriously.
http://www.positivehealth.com/permit/Articles/Womens%20Health/nonde54.htm

A Bundle of Joy

This week I was supposed to give birth to our first child. Instead I found myself at my OBGYN's office getting my first round of tests for "Re-Occurant Misccarriages." They tested my sugar levels and who the hell knows what else. All I know is there were 12 viles of my blood laying on the Phlebotomists table when I was done and I almost passed out.

When I arrived home there was a package at my door. I was really surprised. I knew I hadn't ordered anything online and my husband doesn't shop. I picked up the package and it was a "Welcome HOME to you New BUNDLE OF JOY" gift from a baby food dormula company. There were three free samples of formula.

It just hits me. It hits me hard and fast and different depending on the day. I threw the box away and moved forward into my evening. What else can I do?

So, I will go through two more rounds of testing for me "Re-Occurant Miscarriages" and then we will see if there is something the Doc's can DO to help me through the next pregnancy. It is also possible that nothing may be wrong and I have just had some horrible luck.

So, we won't be bringing home a baby this week... or next.

Ashley

Sunflowers Make Me Happy...

Sunflower

We Won't Celebrate

My first child would have been born this week. February 6th, 2005 was my first due date. On February 6th of 2005 I will only know a sense of loss.

We won't be bringing a baby home- not yet.

I am not really sure how I feel.

Cheated for sure. But on the actual day I am not sure what to think? What would it have been like? What would it have been like to bring home a brand new healthy baby from the hospital? Bundled up in a cozy little blankie?

I wonder if I will ever know? What is it to be a mom?

July 4th, 2005 I would have been bringing home a baby as well. We lost this baby also...That was my second due date. But on July 4th 2005 we won't be bringing home a baby. I wonder why I can't grow a belly and push it out like all the other pregnant women I see? Why can't I have that too?

Some women mark these dates by going to cemeteries....Some wear lapel pins. Some name their unborn, never-to-be-born children. I can't do these things. I can't give these lost babies names. I cannot wear a pin... I cannot even imagine where they might be buried. Knowing our health and medical care in the USofA I am sure the babies were thrown in the garbage.

I do have a baby shower to attend this week... Not sure I can do it.