Game Face

So. I have a game face. Yeah. I put it on every morning before I go to work. I pull it on with my turtle neck sweater and a pair of underwear that I haven't bled in. I threw all those out on Saturday. You know, the underwear that you are wearing when you realize you are bleeding while pregnant and you aren't supposed to be?

So my game face is ON! It resembles me but really isn't. See, I am much uglier at home. Is uglier a word? I have my face scrunched up in a mad assualt of tears and anger. It is the face of pain and loss and endless sadness. The pain of losing onetoomanybabies.

During work I bury myself in projects and get lost. I even forget to eat. Who really cares anyway. Food does not fill my emptiness.

I listen to old jazz. I try to love what is. I remember what it was like the first time I got pregnant in July 2004 and how innocent and hopeful my husband Bob and I were. OH!!! Had we only known! I had always thought you just "get" pregnant and grow big and then give birth. I was never scared. Only when I started bleeding both times. I knew I was losing the second baby. But the first loosening of blood and tissue into my panties during the beginning of my first miscarriage... I had no idea. I just though the baby was growing and stretching itself. Little did I know.

What startles me the most is the lack of acknowledgement in society.

Yeah, there are a few books out there and some stories. But no one talks about it. Had I known that it occurs 1 in 4 pregnancies I might have been the pessimest I am so accustomed to being during round 1. Self preservation baby. I had no idea miscarriage was so prevelant. And until I had my first miscarriage I never knew that so many women around me had also suffered a loss, if not many. It is striking how silent this issue is in our society.

So, my game face is on. Now I must continue my projects. Bury myself. Preserve.

Till next time,
Ashley E. Underell