What Do You Say To The Dead...

Woman Crying

Someone told me recently that all souls choose their time. They choose their parent's and they choose their length of stay. I am not sure if this was a comforting thought for me. All I can think is "why didn't my two little souls choose to stay with us?" If this philosophy is true, then why didn't my babies want to stay? What made it that their stay had to be so entirely too short on this planet. So short in fact, that I never ever got to meet, hold or kiss each one.

I am not sure how I feel about that statement. Or any of the statements and words of comfort that come spouting out from people trying to console the unexplained. "Oh, it is just natures way of taking care of itself." "Don't worry, you will have others!" Or what about "Don't worry, you will get to try again, and the fun is all in the trying!" What people in general don't understand is these words and anecdotes are actually the salt in the wound- at least for me.

The fact that I get to "try" again is really great. But it doesn't bring my first two babies back. The fact that it might have been natures way of taking care of herself... well, I am not one to argue with mother nature- though I would like too. It is the words that people are so quick to speak when they have NO idea what they are talking about and have NO idea what someone like myself and the countless millions of other women are going through.

The best words I have received thus far have been "I am really sorry. If you ever need to talk or cry I am right here." Simple. Open. Smart.

It is hard to know what to say when someone loses someone. I know. It is awkward. Strange and uncomfortable- but it cannot be ignored nor replaced with anecdotes. If someone lost their mother I wouldn't say "Well, at least you had a mother!" Or, "Well, she lived a long and happy life." These statements really are void of all thought. They are stupid and dense. Perhaps just saying "I'm sorry for your loss... if there is anything I can do please call." That is enough. That says it all. No one can ever measure the depth of someone else's pain and the run of the mill words don't work- they are shallow- they lack introspection and actually make things sting even more.

I have been guilty of these thoughtless words. And through my experiences of losing two babies I will no longer think I can make someone feel better with fadic communion- death deserves more thought and concern and perhaps less quip and whimsy.