What the Hell Do I Want Anyway?

I have no idea what I want from day to day. Some days I picture myself as a high powered executive in the business world...Other days I am a mom holding a baby. After having 2 miscarriages I feel confused. Some days I am absolute in what I want. And what I want is to try again...Have hope...Grow big...Give birth and be a mom to a beautiful child.

Other days I question myself and my entire "plan" here on earth. "Maybe I wasn't meant to have a baby" I say to others... outloud... to test the waters. Most say that I am being silly. That a lot of women have miscarriages and they don't give up.

Sometimes I just don't know how I will go through another pregnancy...

Wondering from moment to moment if I will feel the slip of blood- a fetus dropping down to die.

I wonder how I will feel if we try to get pregnant and have complications?
And if we try and are successful, what exactly will that look like?

I wonder all of this. It is all so unpredictable. When I was pregnant with the 2nd baby I swore I couldn't go through it again if I lost that pregnancy... and then I lost it. And as time moves on... I think I may have another try in me... I may be able to give it a go....

But the corporate woman edges her way into my brain. The woman feeding a child splits my brain. Is it possible to have both? Is it better to be one or the other? I worry that I will fail. I feel as if I have already failed not being able to carry a child.

And I wonder if it would be easier to come back as a man in my next life?