Fish Bowl Babies

I keep dreaming of dead babies. I don't know why- but they are dead. I always feel like a bystander and there is nothing I can do.

How awful it is to wake in the morning and still feel helpless and unable to save my babies from dying.

Sometimes I dream that I see a baby growing in a fish bowl... I watch it as it grows... like one of those toys you I use to emerge in water and watch it expand to the size of its environment. Fish Bowl Baby... if only it were that easy to grow a baby..."just add water."

Sometimes I dream I have my hand on my belly and there is a baby inside. And there isn't.

Pregnancy surrounds me and I am not even pregnant. It follows me in and out of my dreams.

I just wonder if I will ever know the innocence that I felt the second I realized that I was pregnant for the first time... the possibility that I felt. The love I knew. The difference in myself overnight. I wonder if I will know that again- or will I feel threat and fear if I am ever able to conceive again?

I wonder if I will ever be able to grow a baby.