When I Was Pregnant With You

June 16, 2004


I knew something was off on the Sunday your father and I found out we were pregnant with you. I wasn’t feeling well from the time I got up, and knew that there were tons of things that needed to be done, after all, we were right in the middle of remodeling our house. I felt tired, and just under the weather. I never had a cough or even a sneeze, but I wanted to do NOTHING that day, and ended up powering through. Your father and I had a full day at Home Depot and Carpet Exchange, which had become like playgrounds to us over the past three months. We were motivated and committed to making our home into a happy, colorful and less cluttered environment. That particular day, June 5, 2004, we were picking out the hardwood floors that we would install ourselves. I was restless. I had no appetite, but had to eat because I was weak. I had a hot dog in front of Home Depot. When we were getting close to going home I suggested we pick up a pregnancy test just to rule out the “possibility” of being pregnant. I probably just had the flu I was thinking as I paid for the test. Your typical E.P.T. test, this time, on special there was two in a box. Those things are expensive!

We got home and it was dark out. I don’t remember what we did, but I know that it was around 8:00pm when I took the test. I peed on the stick, as you do, and it immediately changed. I was no rookie at these. The two lines indicating pregnancy were glaring and obvious right away. I picked up the test and walked toward your father, and said, “Well, according to this, you’re going to be a Daddy.” I said it with a tone of sarcasm, like, it wasn’t really true. And it certainly was not your average “Hallmark Moment.” Because seconds later I was crying and yelling, “ I am the most selfish fucking person I know, how can I have a child?” And then I kept crying as your father wrapped his arms around me and I said, “We just painted the house, now the new baby will mess it all up!!” I was exasperated. I insisted that I take the other test. I needed full proof evidence that the rhythm method had failed us after a year or so of success! I gulped more water.. And more, and had to pee right away. I peed all over the second stick, and the two lines were faint. I thought to myself, AHA! See, I am not really pregnant! I sent your father to the store for another test.

While he was gone, being unemployed I immediately started looking in the Sunday paper for a job. I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t pace, or call anyone. I just looked for a job, and made it all the way through the paper with my trusty highlighter before he returned with the second set of tests. This time I really had to pee. I had been drinking water furiously so that I could do the test again. Third test, its 8:45pm. I peed all over the stick and ruined the test. 4th test, 8:47pm. The test was showing nothing, and then the lines both appeared, faintly. I started to think. Had I had any symptoms and just not noticed? I mean, yeah, my period was late by 5 days, but that wasn’t unusual.
My dear friend Pamela called shortly after test 4 and said they were on their way to the hospital, that her husband was failing from cancer.

Your father and I put everything down and rushed to the hospital to be with them. We got to sit with Bert, who you would have loved. He was a pistol!!! He wasn’t in any pain, but he was bored of being sick. He looked awful, and it was apparent that we had made it in time to say our goodbyes. Bert and Pamela were the first to know that you were part of our lives now. And it was as I was sitting by Bert’s hospital bed that I realized that I had actually asked your father to take me to IHOP several times over the course of the last few weeks for nothing other than pancakes… I didn’t even like pancakes, I thought, as I was telling Bert and Pamela my new discovery. We got to share some laughs with Bert and Pamela, and then we told him we loved him, and we hugged Pamela. Your father and I drove home, and it was so special to be able to say goodbye to someone like that. I had never had that chance before. Bert died that early morning. And, I realized that as his life was passing, yours was just beginning, or at least, we thought. I made your father go to the store one more time. Just one more test. He came home with a new, state of the art, and digital home pregnancy test. I couldn’t mess this one up. The window either said, PREGNANT or NOT PREGNANT. I did my thing, and waited as patiently as possible, and sure enough, the word PREGNANT flashed across the screen.

I walked into the bedroom, and laid down with your father who is calm, and amazingly at peace, and we realized then that we were going to be parents. We were going to have a child. We were going to have, YOU. It was the most turning moment of my life thus far. In minutes, our reality and world shifted. It was now, all about YOU. And, hey, like I said, I always liked it when it was about me!! What can I say, I liked being first. But then, immediately, I rubbed my belly, and we fell asleep from exhaustion, and when I woke, I knew our lives were different and I was excited, scared, nervous, happy, thrilled, terrified for the adventure we were about to embark upon.

I went to my friend the next day; he is also my Doctor. He did a test, just to really be sure, and sure enough, it was sure!!! The next day, I saw the nurse for my OBGYN and she did all the calculating and timing, and it was determined that I was about 5 weeks pregnant. Holy shit! And I hadn’t even been sick once. Well, this isn’t so bad I thought. And then they took blood, and I knew there was and HIV test in there somewhere, and those always terrified me. What a scary disease. Everyone in my generation hates those tests, and we all avoided them. It is still a disease with a stigma attached, and of course it made me look back at all the mistakes I had made. But I can’t regret. So I gave blood willingly because this was about you now. Not my fears. Whatever it took to have a healthy baby. They determined you would join us on February 6, 2005.

With the news I called everyone. Amy. Heather. Your Grandmother Lizzy. Your Grandpa Ray in New Zealand. Your Uncle Shawn and Aunt Marla. I sent an email to the people I don’t talk to regularly. We tried getting a hold of your father’s mother, Grandma Joyce and Grandpa Bob, but they were tougher to reach. Everyone was happy and in shock. You are the first baby to be conceived in my family (Underell family) and I was the first to get pregnant. My mom and dad, your grandparents had been waiting to be grandparents for a while, and now they were going to get the chance. They were also very glad that you were not another K-9 addition to the family. Your father and I are dog lovers and have Luna and Levi, whom you will meet, and they thought, when we told them that they were going to be Grandparents, that we had gotten another dog. The dogs know your grandparents as “Grandma and Grandpa” as well.

Spreading the news was fun. I think I was hysterical through the whole thing. Excited, timid, and scared. What if… what if.. what if. You will come to learn, that I am a big “What iffer” or maybe you won’t because I will do my best not to pass that trait on to you. It is too crippling. Our friends and families are so happy. It has been 10 days since we learned of the news. I have been taking it really easy. You’re in my womb, and I try to get as many bean and cheese burritos as possible, some pancakes, lots of V-8 juice and Orange Juice too. But, eating doesn’t interest me. Right now, it is for survival. And I can’t think of certain foods… it will make me sick. I just avoid them all together, for right now at least. Your grandmother Lizzy is already nagging me that you aren’t getting enough vegetables. Trust me, you’ll get them. Right now, I am about 6 ½ weeks along and you aren’t but an inch in my tummy. But I have already thought of a 1,000 names for you and wondered what life will be like when you join us. I wonder how big my boobs really will get; they are already sore as hell. And I wonder how much weight my body will put on, now that I am at my “perfect” weight of 120lbs. Haven’t been that in 10 years.

I can’t sleep at night, at least not till around 2 or 3. Then I go to sleep, with you on my mind. And I know I will be a good mom. I had a good teacher. I don’t worry about that. I worry about kids calling you names, and tough days, and failed exams. I worry about you being a teenager. It’s such a tough time! I wonder if you will like the dogs; after all, they are your big brother and sister, kind of. They will watch out for you. I wonder if you will look like your father and have his big blue eyes. And I hope, hope, hope, that you get his calm. I would rather you get that than my craziness, my anxiety.

Mostly, I just pray that you hang on in there, and stay healthy and I pray that you are going to stick around, and be born in February. I think about you so much. It’s amazing.
Pregnancy is so much more than I thought it would be. It is so enormous. It is so life altering. It is like growing a new skin, a better one. A brighter one. A softer one. I feel lucky everyday… and my problems are little compared! Now it is about you. It is about us. It is about our family growing. I am looking so forward to sharing this experience with you. My child. My baby.

Good night for now.
Mommy

Ashley E. Underell