Two Baby Showers... and a Bathroom Stall

I walked into work today and there were streamers and balloons for Anne who is giving birth in March. "Hi Baby Griffin" the streamers read... and from there I knew it would be a tough day. There was a whole baby shower, potluck adventure around Anne's baby to come. All the way to work I told myself that if it were me they would do this as well. That it is a tiny human live joining the world and that I should be happy for her. I told myself that I would be strong.

Before I even got my plate to fill... I dropped tears and tore off to the bathroom. Slumped in the stall I cried my eyes out and tried to breath... Tired to get my shit together so I could re-join the Baby Shower- after all, Anne asked me if I would take pictures for her with my digital camera. "Sure Anne, no problem!" I agreed.

My eyes were beat red. But I forced myself back out and took pictures of Anne's cake with baby booties on it. I took pictures of Anne's belly. I took pictures of Anne's streamers. My tears behind the lens.

Today, when I got home from work there was an invitation to a Baby Shower for some friends who are giving birth in April. All the pretty paper. All the pretty colors.

All the pain in my soul... Just when I think I am getting better I feel like I am starting from square one.

Tossed and Tired.

I dreamt last night that I had an operation- probably a D&C. When it was over I was looking for someone to take me home but instead I wandered into the nursery and all I saw were perfect little newborns.

I wandered outside and a homeless man asked me for some money.

People were smoking cigarettes and I didn't have anyone there- I was lost.