We Won't Celebrate

My first child would have been born this week. February 6th, 2005 was my first due date. On February 6th of 2005 I will only know a sense of loss.

We won't be bringing a baby home- not yet.

I am not really sure how I feel.

Cheated for sure. But on the actual day I am not sure what to think? What would it have been like? What would it have been like to bring home a brand new healthy baby from the hospital? Bundled up in a cozy little blankie?

I wonder if I will ever know? What is it to be a mom?

July 4th, 2005 I would have been bringing home a baby as well. We lost this baby also...That was my second due date. But on July 4th 2005 we won't be bringing home a baby. I wonder why I can't grow a belly and push it out like all the other pregnant women I see? Why can't I have that too?

Some women mark these dates by going to cemeteries....Some wear lapel pins. Some name their unborn, never-to-be-born children. I can't do these things. I can't give these lost babies names. I cannot wear a pin... I cannot even imagine where they might be buried. Knowing our health and medical care in the USofA I am sure the babies were thrown in the garbage.

I do have a baby shower to attend this week... Not sure I can do it.