This week I was supposed to give birth to our first child. Instead I found myself at my OBGYN's office getting my first round of tests for "Re-Occurant Misccarriages." They tested my sugar levels and who the hell knows what else. All I know is there were 12 viles of my blood laying on the Phlebotomists table when I was done and I almost passed out.
When I arrived home there was a package at my door. I was really surprised. I knew I hadn't ordered anything online and my husband doesn't shop. I picked up the package and it was a "Welcome HOME to you New BUNDLE OF JOY" gift from a baby food dormula company. There were three free samples of formula.
It just hits me. It hits me hard and fast and different depending on the day. I threw the box away and moved forward into my evening. What else can I do?
So, I will go through two more rounds of testing for me "Re-Occurant Miscarriages" and then we will see if there is something the Doc's can DO to help me through the next pregnancy. It is also possible that nothing may be wrong and I have just had some horrible luck.
So, we won't be bringing home a baby this week... or next.
Ashley
Feb 4, 2005
A Bundle of Joy
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2 comments:
I'm so sorry Ashley. What a cruel surprise. I do know how you feel. I had three end-of-first-trimester miscarriages before I was diagnosed with an underactive thyroid. My OB-GYN at the time (early 1970s) finally prescribed Synthroid and Enovid - (Gasp!) a hormone supplement. Willing to do anything to become a mother, I took the drugs, delivered a beautiful baby girl and then spent the next 25 years worrying that the hormones had harmed my daughter in utero (she's okay and recently produced our first granddaughter.) Two years later I delivered a son. With this pregnancy I only took the Synthroid. They have both brought my husband and me great happiness, yet for me it took a long time to get over the feeling that I was somehow...incompetent...at being a woman.
Absolutely no one I knew seemed to acknowledge my pain at losing the babies. I too, thought of each of them and secretly mourned them on the days they should have been born.
There are no adequate words to alleviate your sadness, but know that you are in my thoughts. I truly hope that your next pregnancy will bring that bundle of joy.
Ashley, I stumbled on your blog today and wanted to respond. First, I'm so sorry that you went through this... no woman should have to. It's so hard, so cruel, so gut wrenching.
I had a series of 4 1st trimester MCes before finally having my first baby over 2 years ago. After the 2nd MC I was ready to hurt someone, most possibly the OB that told me, "Don't Cry" as I was in the middle of the 2nd MC. In my minds eye, I see myself grabbing her by her skinny little neck and strangling the breath out of her. Instead I changed OBs, got a shrink who specializes in fertility and pregnancy loss, and demanded the kind of testing that it sounds like you're getting now. 12 Vials of blood sounds about right.
They tested everything for me, including a genetic karotyping, that ultimately showed I have a very rare, 1 in 1000, condition called a genetic translocation that means I have, well... roughly an 86% chance of MC give or take. So I'm now trying to decide whether I'm ready to put myself through it all again in search of a second child. Though the chance that this kind of condition is what's causing your MCes, you might want to ask your OB to include that in the blood workup for you and your husband, just to rule it out. The test is called a genetic Karotype... they do it both on you and your husband, to see if either of you are carriers of something.
I read your blog about the shrink... I too felt like all I did is verbally vomit for my 50 minutes (what's up with that... they cut you off before you hit your full hour!!!). I often felt better for about an hour, then didn't feel much better again until my next visit. I was so completely overwhelmed with the stress and anxiety that I needed her just to cope. I will say that I think it was important to me that she focused on women like me with recurrent MCes... rather than the garden variety shrink who might want to put me on drugs or other therapies. When I first went to her we spent at least a handful of sessions making me realize I wasn't crazy, just grieveing, and that I wasn't mentally ill, just suffering from temporary anxiety.
She also gave me some coping mechanisms so that I could deal with the stupid people I encountered in my life that made me feel bad or angry or stupid. Like the doctor that told me "Don't cry" even though she probably thought she was "helping me". Like my boss at work who had struggled with infertility never getting pg who said, "At least you can get PG." Like my insane monster in law who, when we told her we had MCed at 7 weeks demanded to know why she hadn't been told we were pregnant the minute I peed on that stick. Umm... back off biatch!
The therapist was able to help me structure some good, healthy responses for those stupid people that didn't compromise me but also didn't fuel my rage at them.
The other cool thing she did for me was give me some ideas for ways to commemorate the lost babies somehow. Write a letter. Create a shadow box. In our case, we went to the beach, and released a flower into the water for each baby. With each release, we thought about whether it had been a boy or a girl, what they might have been, and how much I loved each and every one of them. And then I symbolically let them go, onto another lifetime or the afterworld, whatever it is you believe in. We cried... but the sound of the water beating against the shore seemed to wash those tears away as we watched each of our flowers float into the sea. You might not be ready to let go yet, but eventually you will be able to do this, in your own way.
I wish you luck with the test results, and encouragement and the strength to go on. It's so hard to continue on knowing what you've already been through. Believe me, I get it!
All my best,
Kat
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