My Pregnant Friends...

I can't help avoid my pregnant friends. I have two friends who are pregnant right now and I cannot even go near them, let alone call, write or even answer the phone when they call.

Selfish? Absolutely. But I can't help it. I honestly can't.

They are succeeding where I didn't. And normally this would be okay if they were succeeding at their golf game, or they had more money, fame, better job... you name it. I can deal with that. But I can't deal with the fact that their pregnancies are working and mine didn't.

Sounds so selfish- even writing this I can't believe how ugly it sounds- but it is 100% true. My babies died and theirs haven't and probably won't and that is good, for them. Watching it is painful. It is like I had something stolen and they got away with it.

I don't know what the psychology is behind this... "notwantingtocallmypregnantfriendsbecuaseiamtoosadandpissedilostmyownbabies" but I think it is normal- from what I "hear." It is part of the grieving process. I asked myself this morning if I would be upset if these friends were not very "available" for me if I did get pregnant and actually had success... and my answer was equally selfish- I didn't care.

Now I don't know what the psychology is behind that...

Who knows what is normal and what isn't. But I think I have the right to be angry- and it isn't their fault that they are able to successfully carry a pregnancy and I am not... but It sucks anyway.

I have been listening to Carly Simon a lot. It toom me 31 years to realize how awesome and healing she is. www.carlysimon.com She is an inspiration.

The other thing that has helped is "The Blue Day Book- A Lesson in Cheering Yourself Up" by Bradley Trevor grieve (notice his last name is Grieve) www.remixing.info/blueday It sits on my shelf and I love the little frog on the cover. It is a "simple" fix... but a nice one.