It has been 1 1/2 months since I lost our second baby in a miscarriage. It seems to be getting worse. I cannot stop crying and I am so angry I feel like hurling something through the window.
I am having nightmares and I am afraid this pain will never subside. I have the biggest knot in my stomach and I can't get rid of it. I feel like I just want to die. Like that would be better than the pain I feel right know. Yes, I am in therapy. Yes, I have gone to grief groups. Yes, I have a network of friends. A loving husband. And I can't move. I am shell shocked. How do women go through this? How does it get better.... Why is this such a silent struggle in this society? How can I "bounce back".... I just lost two babies in six months.... and I even know that the second one was a girl... The insensitive Doctor left me a message telling me that "after he tested the chromosomes that everything was normal... that of a baby girl." He left me this message the day before Christmas.
I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want my whole existence to be about wanting or losing a child. I want to be that good friend I use to be... that wife that wasn't crying all the time. The woman I use to be... I don't know how to find my way out of this.
Ashley E. Underell
Jan 16, 2005
I feel like dying....
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3 comments:
I decided to start from the beginning, and I had to tell you how this entry touched me. I remember being at this point. I remember that I thought I would die inside after my 4th miscarriage within 6 months. I am wishing the very best for your family, and I hope that you become parents soon.
It has been 3 1/2 months since my miscarriage and I am still going through these exact thoughts and feelings. Thank you for posting this.
on the 12/07/2012 i found out i had miscarried, the day before i had been bleeding not particularly heavy on the 12th i went for a early scan as i had been bleeding to be told my womb was empty and that i had a complete miscarriage i was 10 weeks id have been 11 weeks the next day.
i have been trying to find a way of dealing with it mentally as well as emotionally. i stumbled across your blog and i started at the beginning, which i know you did some time ago and i cried reading it i had to stop half way through. and i don't know if i was crying for my loss or your loss because everything you put about how you felt is the way i feel right now. and while i do have a great support system of friends, family and an amazing husband none of them really know how it feels they can imagine but there is no pain like it accompanied by complete numbness. I just really want to thank you for putting your experience out there because one thing i have noticed in this last week is that the details are rarely talked about of how they happened/how the woman feels about it and that a lot of people/places have one general idea of how a miscarriage happens which unfortunately isn't the case i was told several times not to worry its probably nothing and then it was snatched away from me in the blink of any eye. i am hopeful that one day soon i will have a healthy full term pregnancy with a healthy baby at the end of it.
Thank you x
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