I should be giving birth this weekend... I was due July 4th. This has got me by the balls. I did not anticipate the due date to wreck me so. But it is. I feel such an emptiness... one that no matter what I do, I cannot fill. Let me tell you... I have bought more summer tops at TJMAXX than I will ever be able to wear in a year. I bought DVD's which I NEVER do... I rarely need to see a movie more than once. Spending money has always been my weak point... or perhaps my way of filling empty places.
I am so sad. Mad. Pissed. Angry. All the emotions that I have felt are gripping me right now. I picture what my belly should look like bursting with a 9 month old baby inside of me. I don't have a belly...
I do yoga. I get enough sleep. I talk to friends. I spend money that I shouldn't. I eat fairly well. I have good support... but no matter what... I feel lost.
I wonder if I will feel differently after the 4th. After the day passes. I don't remember the first due date being so hard... maybe it was.
I am screwed today.
Jun 30, 2005
Should Be Giving Birth
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5 comments:
Ashley, I'm so sorry. I completely know how you feel. I miscarried at almost eight weeks back in August, after seeing the heartbeat three times. My due date would have been March 25, and I can't tell you how much I dreaded it. I had so hoped to be pregnant again by that time. But then it got closer and I still wasn't. And then it got even closer, and I still wasn't. And then came the day that I knew for sure that there was no way I'd make the "deadline." And it was bad. I won't sugar-coat it, the day that would have been your due date really sucks. But in a small way, now that the date is past and I no longer have that "deadline" by which to be knocked up again, I feel a little -- I can't say better, but maybe less pressured on top of feeling bad. I'm still not pregnant, and it's coming up on a year since the time I conceived, and that's sucky in it's own right, but I'm living with it. Certain things still set me off unexpectedly, and I'm sobbing like it happened yesterday. But some days I'm okay. Some days it's not even a point of reference and I feel like a normal person. As with any loss, you never forget, you never "get over it," but you can sometimes manage to live around it. I know it doesn't really help, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone.
Kat
Hi Ashley, I can so relate to the whole shopping issue. It seems to help us put some control in our lives, when in other areas we have so little. I'm sorry this is a hard weekend for you. It's so sad, feeling like you're hitting this imaginary deadline and the grief sneaks back up on you. My old chiropractor used to say that the body has memory... it often remembers things that our brain has done a good job of shutting out. I hope that you can get through this weekend, and continue on your path to healing.
Kat / Maternity Genes
Ashley,
I am so sorry that you are going throught this. I know that EDDs are so hard. Matthews 1st birthday should have been the 7th. It is still really hard for me. I hope that the emptiness soon gets easier to handle. Your in my thoughts, and hope you are doing better now that the day has passed.
This is my first time reading your blog. I got it from Jenna. I lost my little girl in Feb. She was due July 2. I had 19.2 beautiful weeks with her. It was a double loss for me. I am an infertile one. Lorna was an IVF baby. A miracle to be growing at all. Let me tell you I hear that all the time and I thought it too. "If I am just pregnant before the due date" It didn't make any difference. I have another little miracle growing inside. July 2 came with the same emotions as you experience. All the worse was my DH b-day was the 4th and I kept thinking she was my gift for him and now I have nothing to give. I added your blog to my favorites list.
Heather P
Hi Ashley, I still stop by to check and see if you're posting again. I keep thinking of you. I know how hard the anniversary dates can be; there are so many of them. It's hard to predict how you'll feel. Just so many dates... Due dates are hard. I'm so sorry. Today I should have a six month old, and it's also the anniversary of my FET transfer date (got a BFP from that one too, and a subsequent miscarriage). Thinking of you.
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