A Little History...

I found this piece and wanted to share. This was written after my first miscarriage in July 2004.


We lost our baby. Bob and I found out we were pregnant on June 5th, 2004 and lost the baby on July 15th, 2004. I had gotten so incredibly bonded with the baby growing inside of me. It is amazing how close you can become to something you haven’t even met or seen. I lay awake most nights thinking of the future of our child, what would we name the baby? What would the nursery look like? Would we be good parents? Would I be able to find a job before I started showing? So many thoughts and so much to read and learn. When we first found out we were both shocked and stunned. How did this happen we think? But then, the little angle just took hold of us and everything we did was about this new child we were going to bring into the world. On July 14th I started bleeding, and the on call Dr. said to come to the clinic in the morning for an Ultrasound. I knew it wasn’t good, because I was cramping and the bleeding was getting worse.

When we got to the clinic we had to wait for an hour or so. Then, some insensitive woman did an ultrasound, and took measurements of our baby. She told us that our baby’s heartbeat was not beating. Part of me died that morning for sure. I wailed in the Doctor’s office and Bob draped himself over me. We cried and cried. They moved us into a room so that we would not have to sit out in the waiting room with out tears. The Doctor seems so “routine” about it. We had just lost a child, and she was so blasé.

Our baby had died at about 8 weeks… right after they told us that there was a healthy heartbeat and that we had a 95% chance of bringing home a healthy baby. It had been gone inside of me for two weeks. It never miscarried itself. So, my options were to “wait” for my baby to come out of me in a painful miscarriage, or to get a D&C, which is a nice word for abortion…and a scraping of the uterus. I chose the D&C so that I could get the baby out and make sure that it wasn’t missed. I was scheduled to go to the hospital that afternoon. Bob and I went home and I started going into labor- it lasted 20 minutes of the worst contractions- and the only contractions I had ever felt. I knew the baby was trying to miscarry. Amy came over and held me. We got a hold of my Mom in Guatemala-, which wasn’t easy. I cried and cried and cried.

That afternoon, Amy, Bob and I went to the Hospital, and it took hours of waiting, but I had my D&C and was sent home. I think during the procedure, I was crying out for my baby. It has been under two weeks since we lost our baby. I haven’t stopped crying. Oh, sure, I stop for hours at a time, but each day, I cry. Bob has been angry more than anything… and I have just been so sad. So terribly sad. I can’t imagine that women go through this everyday, sometimes, more than once. Some women, several times. It is something I always knew was a possibility, but I tried my best to be as careful and loving and calm as I could. And it still doesn’t matter. Our first child has died.

I am not sure you ever recover fully from such a loss. Nor, can you compare it to the loss of a grown child. But it is a loss of huge and awful proportions. At night, when I wake, to get something to drink, it hurts. All the nights I laid awake planning for our baby, I was so excited, scared, happy, and nervous. Now, now that the baby is gone, I do feel such a sense of immense loneliness… like something has been robbed from my body and it has.

This changes a person, for sure. I won’t ever be the same. I don’t know about Bob. I think we will “bounce” back and get into our routine and the days will draw longer and separate us from this experience. Time will put distance between us and the baby that we lost. We will get on with out lives and days will pass, and maybe we will get another chance. But I don’t want to live my life obsessing about getting pregnant. Nothing will replace my first experience- and if I get the great honor again, it will be different. Equally wonderful, but different. I think I will have to try hard not to get so attached so early on. How one does this, I do not know? I just hope that we are able to have children and bring them into this world and hold their hands like we had planned.

This is such a tough time. I so want it to go away- but I know we must honor our baby and grieve. And we must count our blessings as well. It really made me realize what was important to me. Having a child is important. Having a loving family and caring friends is what matters. Without all of this, we are nothing.

I went on to miscarry another baby in November 2004.