I Can Do This... We Can Do This...

Okay...

So I thought I was "growing" and I probably am. Last night we went to an art walk and I swear to god every person we saw had a child under two. There were more strollers than I could count... and the cutest baby girl hats I have ever seen. It went unspoken but I know Bob saw it and I know my mom saw it... babies and parent's everywhere.

I felt for my mom last night because I know how badly she wants to be a grandma. She has wanted this for some time- and USE to joke that she would walk through a mall and get caught at the Baby Gap- her nose pressed against the window. That never gets said anymore- and I know she has felt the losses deeply. Though I am the one that carried those babies the people in my life around me were very excited... it was evident in our wedding vows that Bob and I "looked forward to being parent's." It is just so sad.

I think the growth I noticed last night was that I didn't loathe or hate the women or men pushing the strollers. And I probably never "HATED" them- but definitely couldn't stand to be around it. Last night it was more of something I noticed rather than something I felt- it was not a deep tearing of my heart like it was only weeks ago. So, yes... some growth- but I won't lie... I am envious of good eggs, good fallopian tubes, good vaginas, good pregnancies and good birth. How can I not be?

I hold tight to the idea that our time will come - even though I want to knock people's heads off that say that... but I do try to hold close to that notion and maybe it will come true.

In the meantime- Bob and I are living. We are loving. We are painting. We are reading. We are experiencing life for what it is and not for what we think it should be. And that is interesting- Birdseye view from a control freak... let's just say this woman is learning a lot...

So yeah... I can do this... we can do this.

Good Night...