What I Have Learned...

If I didn't have two miscarriages I would not know that I have a blood disorder. For that I am thankful. After the second miscarriage I guess when I did my blood work they discovered (but did not tell me) that I have a blood disorder called "Anti-Thrombin 3". I have neglected to do any reading on this disorder as of yet. I am trying to focus on the fetus inside of me and taking care of myself.

Today, I am 7 weeks along. Due to the blood disorder I am taking baby asprin and prednisone to help with the clotting. Apparently, my previous pregnancies never had a fighting chance. When you have a blood clotting disorder the fetus cannot receive all the nourishment that is needs to survive. Who knew? Apparently, had my second pregnancy had some kind of intervention - it could have been saved. Now that will keep you up at night- especially since my last OBGYN neglected to even mention I had the disorder and never did an intervention? How can science be so ... inconsistant?

Needless to say... I am pregnant now... and I have to say... I am feeling crazy in general with the steroids and the hormones (they also have me on progesterone). I am totally irrational and pick fights at any given opportunity. I am on partial bed rest and bored. YES... I am willing to go through this BY ALL MEANS. And... I am crazy. I think my husband has about had it with my shitty attitude.

I grew overnight and went from my clothes to maternity clothes (at 6.5) weeks... how is that possible? I am not kidding... I look three months pregnant. And while, again, I welcome the changes, it is quite shocking! My whole body spread out... it is the most amazing thing I have ever seen! Exciting and a bit confusing I think.

We saw a heartbeat- a little blink...like a tiny little star... so tiny. And it is still - day by day.. just waiting. Hoping. Praying.

I feel lucky. Also, a but isolated for some reason. Lonely... alone. Not sure why?

Hurry Up and Wait

After several months of peeing on sticks and wishing, hoping, wishing that we would get pregnant... we are. We are pregnant!! Not that fertility has ever been the issue. Keeping the pregnancy is. We found out about two weeks ago. I have to say there isn't a whole lot of "celebrating" going on. I think it is self-preservation?

I am happy and scared and terrified and excited and hopeful and thankful and so very, very uncertain what will become of this pregnancy!

We are 5 1/2 weeks along...very new. We found a new OBGYN - she is great...she has been in practice for 30 years. She is from India and doens't mess around. So far, I have learned that I have a blood clotting disorder that my previous OBGYN's neglected to tell me, hmmm... so typical isn't it? My new OB is Dr. Varma, in Denver. She has been very proactive and has put me on baby aspirin, progesterone, and prednisone.

I don't know anything today... other than that I am TIRED. HUNGRY. SCARED. And waiting... to see if this is going to be a viable pregnancy??

This waiting in the wings is hard as hell.

Take Your Business Elsewhere!

People have now caught onto the BLOG. Now… like everything else people have to find a way to capitalize on something
and abuse its original intention.

I come to the space to write about MISCARRIAGE. I come here to talk about my feelings and emotions as they relate to having lost two pregnancies and how it affects my life, my family and my choices as a women.

I write about pain. I write about growth. I write about experiences that relate to LOSS. I research for resources and this has become a place that other people like to visit when they have experienced similar losses.

The people that are coming to this website and posting their business information make me FUCKING SICK!!! Do you have NO integrity? No heart?

You are so desperate to sell real estate, pills, drugs, mlm, whatever it is that you have to go to blogs and create links in people’s guestbook’s to appear as if you really give a fuck?

I get emails everyday now from this site- no, not from people who are actually reading it and maybe relating but from someone trying to sell something!

You have no idea the kind of boundary you have crossed. This is not your business board. This is not your forum to post messages
about ANYTHING that relates to YOUR BUSINESS. STAY OFF this website. Go somewhere else. Abuse another forum; not this one.

Stay the fuck out. This is my home. This is my space. You are not welcome.

For Fucks Sake...

I like that saying... "For Fucks Sake." There is a ring to it. Something about the word FUCK is really comforting. Some find it so terribly awful. I enjoy it. So, here we are... lets see... it is 2:30am and I am awake. Imagine that? I am not sure why I cannot sleep... could it have something to do with the fact that I have phantom pregnancies every month... and that I am up at all hours of the night peeing... hmmm... Probably. That would keep one up.

I thought the phantom pregnancies would subside. But they have actually gotten worse. The last month has been difficult again - just when you think you are home free from pain of miscarriage (s) it comes to haunt you... it crawls deep into my soul... and I cannot escape it.

The worst part is... that we have tried for a few months to get pregnant- and nothing. Nada. Zilch. I spent my whole young life using condoms and fearing getting pregnant. What would happen if I got knocked up as a teenager? Or in my 20's? Then, I immediately thought I would abort. But I never did get pregnant. Not until I was married and ready... and then it didn't work.

And it still isn't working. There is something distorted about this. It becomes an obsession... I am going to go into debt just buying pregnancy tests! I take them even when I know for sure I am not pregnant. It is a sick and twisted way to torture myself. I even get the ones that have the "PREGNANT" or "NOT PREGNANT" it speaks to me. In my head the test is reading "NO, ASHLEY, YOU ARE NOT FUCKING PREGNANT SO STOP TAKING SO MANY TESTS!"

Ohhh, the mental gymnastics is exhausting. Do I want a baby? Yes. At least... I think I do. But then I worry- as I have mentioned before... do I want it now more than ever because I haven't been able to have one? Do I want a baby because that is what is "supposed to happen" in life? Do I want a baby because my soul aches for one? There are days where I actually try and convince myself that life would be so much easier without the trouble of children and pregnancy.

And then I see my Mom and Dad. I would be so lonely without my children driving me crazy like I do them... or making them laugh, or pissing them off. I couldn't imagine not having a child... Someone to hold and laugh with.

I don't know anymore. It is almost a year since my second miscarriage... I can't believe how far that seems from right now and how much has changed.

We are going to try... try... try... but the -in-between- time is tough. Am I or aren't I? Each month its own sick rollercoaster. Sometimes I just want off the ride.

Pissing Monsters

It has been far to long since I have written. Partially, I was getting further and further away from some of the pain and thought taking a break would be good. In reality, on July 4th, the day I was to give birth- my husband and I tried to conceive. I thought that would make me feel better... and it did.

We tried at all the right times. And soon enough, I had the signs. I knew it! Yeah, I am pregnant I thought to myself! My boobs were sore, I was peeing like crazy... I felt sick and was very tired. I took a pregnancy test two days after sex (I know, I know...) then another test five days after, and then I took another and another. Then, I went to my Doctor's and took a blood test. And then another pregnancy test after that... and then, just like clockwork, I got my period.

What a fucking nutcase? Who is this person that I am? What a total nightmare! I can't even tell you how relieved I was when I finally knew that I wasn't pregnant! I wore myself out... and what kind of child would I be raising? Talk about obsessive compulsive?

Now, I ask myself... am I mentally capable of getting pregnant and baring a child? I don't even have the wherewithall to use common sense around taking a pregnancy test? How am I going to rasie a child? Or even carry one for christs sake?

We stopped trying. We have gotten busy. I am again conflicted? How do women do it? How do women get pregnant, have jobs, lives, husbands and kids and stay sane? If anyone knows, please, do share the wealth? How does one stay sane after two miscarriages when trying to conceive? I am at a loss.

Since, one of my friends gave birth to a healthy baby girl- her pregnancy was flawless (or at least she made it look that way) and another one of my friends is 10 weeks pregnant. I am really happy for both of them! I know how exciting it is... I remember what is was like to be pregnant and have that innocence! I have another friend trying ... It is all around and always will be in some shape or form. Certainly, this week has been a little tough as it is more in my face than it has been.

I am still unable to visit the mittens we hung at the cemetary. My husband goes. I can't. Not yet. I still sometimes feel so broken. Like my body is broken? I feel confused? I feel unfit to mentally handle a pregnancy should we get pregnant. And then I hold a baby (because I can now) and it feels so damn natural and I yearn. It is so biological - amazing.

I just have no idea....what to do. And maybe that is okay?

Should Be Giving Birth

I should be giving birth this weekend... I was due July 4th. This has got me by the balls. I did not anticipate the due date to wreck me so. But it is. I feel such an emptiness... one that no matter what I do, I cannot fill. Let me tell you... I have bought more summer tops at TJMAXX than I will ever be able to wear in a year. I bought DVD's which I NEVER do... I rarely need to see a movie more than once. Spending money has always been my weak point... or perhaps my way of filling empty places.

I am so sad. Mad. Pissed. Angry. All the emotions that I have felt are gripping me right now. I picture what my belly should look like bursting with a 9 month old baby inside of me. I don't have a belly...

I do yoga. I get enough sleep. I talk to friends. I spend money that I shouldn't. I eat fairly well. I have good support... but no matter what... I feel lost.

I wonder if I will feel differently after the 4th. After the day passes. I don't remember the first due date being so hard... maybe it was.

I am screwed today.

Shits & Giggles

I have successfully held several babies in the last few weeks. Without crying or feeling envious or sad. I have seen big pregnant bellies... and will admit that I was a little envious of that. I have heard screaming babies... and I have to say... I am NOT envious of that.
I think about pregnancy every day. I think about my miscarriages, every day. I have gotten to a place where I believe I am "healed" enough to try again soon. I am glad I have waited.

Tonight, just for shits and giggles, I peed on a stick. Now, I KNEW I wasn't pregnant because it would be an absolute bloody miracle, immaculate conception if I was... But there is something about seeing two pink lines that excites me. I guess this is me just wishful thinking.

Life goes on. But it ain't easy. Getting through the last two losses has been such a journey. Such a trial. I cannot believe how amazingly strong women are... we really do have some serious strength.

Anyway... life moves... time passes. I never forget the little ones. Not even in my dreams.

As Is

I am at the point where I can hold babies and be around them. It feels like a giant leap. Something has lifted. I am doing better. It has been one year ago June 9th that I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I cannot believe how fast the year has gone and at the same time I can't believe how long and difficult the last year has been. On July 4th, I was supposed to give birth to a second child- conceived on my first anniversary. This won't happy. But other things good will. I will be surrounded by the people I love and I will have hope in my heart.

As of now there is no trying. No trying for a baby that is. We want to focus on our lives, our jobs and the home we are selling and the one we are potentially buying- if all goes well. Maybe then we can make another nest and give it our best shot.

No more tests for me... not for a while.

Just life. Just as is.

Miscarriage Outloud

I can't tell you how many people have written over the course of the last 5 months regarding miscarriage. I originally started writing this blog because I needed a place to grieve on my terms. I needed a place where I could go whenever I needed to and write, cry, tell my story, find some sort of peace, if only for a moment.

Not only have I been able to do all of these things- I have also been able to do something else that is one of my biggest priorities now. I have been able to TALK about miscarriage. TALK OUTLOUD. WRITE OUTLOUD about one of the biggest medical mysteries of our time. Truly, this has been so healing for me and so powerful. So many people ignore the subject all together. Most, turn their head the other way when the words are spoken M-I-S-C-A-R-R-I-A-G-E - people react to it as if it is either a dirty word or a new planet that has not yet been fucked with by NASA.

It is the biggest loss of my life... both of my miscarriages. I won't be the same. I won't ever forget. And I won't just BOUNCE BACK... I WILL TALK ABOUT IT- even if it makes others uncomfortable- because somehow... People ALL people need to know the facts- what little there are. That indeed, miscarriage will touch someone close to you- I guarantee it. That miscarriage is largely misunderstood and mistreated - let me rephrase: the patients of miscarriage are largely MISTREATED. That miscarriage is a LOSS... That most people think it is a gathering of cells- nothing yet, right? NO. Actually, it is a baby. From the second you pee on the stick and see two pink lines... you are a mother. And I am no pro-lifer, right wing Christian advocate here folks... but I now know what it is like to carry a child- partially. And it hurts that both of our babies slipped away.

So, I write ths blog because it gives me a place of freedom. It gives me a place to tell my story- because my story keeps going on- even though it is almost one year since my 1st miscarriage and just two months away from my second due date. I was supposed to give birth on July 4th, 2005. My story doesn't stop at the loss of our babies. I think that was the beginning. I feel as if I am on a crusade. A crusade to get a dialogue started.

IF you have lost a child through miscarriage or know someone who has- there is an incredible network out there. This is one of hundreds of places you can go and know that you are NOT ALONE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO FEEL ALONE... if 1 in 3 women miscarry at some point in their reproductive lives- then girlfriends... we got company.

So keep writing. Keep sending your messages. Keep feeling the pain. Own it. Know that it doesn't just "go away" and life doesn't "just return to normal." It changes you... and makes everything different. Just make sure to heal. Mourn. Talk to your friends and family... and most of all don't ever hide behind the topic of MISCARRIAGE. We cannot afford to shelve this reality anymore.

Thank you to everyone who reads... it means so much to me....

It Didn't Kill Me

I just saw my friends baby for the first time. This is the friend that I had to alienate when I lost my second pregnancy and she was in her 3rd month. I couldn't handle it. Her baby is amazing. He is beautiful- so is she. It was great seeing her. I hugged her and cried and somehow, holding her baby was healing and amazing. I am glad this happened. And though I do not have a child of my own I will hope and pray and wonder. Maybe one day. What's important is that I saw my friend. I saw her baby. I touched them both and it didn't kill me. It made me stronger.

Cannot Find My Way Home

It seems no matter how hard I try I cannot find my way home. Where I was before I got pregnant. Where I was before I lost two babies in miscarriage. It seems that this deep seeded anger and hurt will not go away. They just bury themselves deeper. Oh, sure, I am able to laugh with the best of them again... tell a joke, be with friends... go to work without hiding in a bathroom stall, even eat. But I cannot shake the pain. The emptiness. The feeling of "I should have had a baby right now."

I see Britney Spears splashed everywhere with her bump. Now, Jennifer Garner. My friends... my family... it is everywhere and always a big fat reminder of what I can't have and what I don't have.

Do I think having a baby will complete me? No. It won't make me happy. We are the only people that can make ourselves happy. But to have the loss is so hard- so terribly sad. I see so many people let their children run wild with no supervision and it is so unfair... why do they get to have kids and I don't? What did I do wrong?

I am in tears today... and have been thinking about my blog and thinking about writing... and what has happened to me since I lost the babies is that I cannot have any down time. It is near impossible for me to be idle. I used to be able to stare out the window and daydream.... now I have to be doing something. I have to have my hands busy. I have to be busy period- even when the moment calls for relaxation and down time.

I am physically tired and have been ill for three days straight because of this new "busy habit." I am often too tired to even daydream anymore. I am always concerned that the floor is swept and the windows clean... far before daydreams.

I had my interview with Aliza- she came to the house camera and all to talk about miscarriage. http://www.moonbowproductions.com/ Silly me... I thought I could get through the process without shedding a tear. HA! Who in the fuck was I kidding? The camera rolled and tears were streaming out my eyes. I had to recall every detail- and was thankful for the experience... though didn't need to "go there" again really. I hope that the documentary gets wide distribution. please show your interest- tell your stories. The more WE talk and share the more OTHERS will listen to our pain and sadness and realize that miscarriage is a LOSS and needs to be recognized in all communities around the world, especially, the medical community, who so blatantly has a disregard for the entire phenomenon. Please show your support for this "in process" documentary and for the topic of miscarriage anywhere you can. We need voice and words to this frequent tragedy... Nobody wants to talk about it.... I can't not.

So, tears still fall. Babies are still being born. Strollers occupy the parks and streets. Babies laugh. My arms feel empty. My soul still heavy.

We Don't Have to Suffer Alone...

This coming weekend I will meet with someone from the miscarriage blogging community. This will be a wonderful experience. She is doing interviews throughout the west about miscarriage and women's experiences. She is writing a book and creating a documentary on the subject.

My hope is that her book is published widely and that her documentary takes off. The topic of miscarriage is so UNDER discussed and UNDER recognized in this society- it needs and commands attention.

That was my motivation for starting my blog- I was desperate to have someone to talk to about all the things that were going on inside of me - It was of a certain urgency that I talk- SPEAK about miscarriage- so I could get it out and so that others could hear - and share in the experience. It is such a painful, awful, terrible, sad, horrible loss. Nobody should ever have to go through it alone, in silence- like so many women and men do.

This weekend I will do my best to convey my experiences - and hopefully the messages will span wide and the book project and documentary will get the attention it deserves.

Here are some of the questions I will be asked:

Give a brief chronology of pregnancies, births, miscarriages, abortions, etc.

Describe you miscarriage (s) - Physical Aspects

- Discovering you were pregnant
-Medical Interaction
-How did miscarriage happen
-Signs, Symptoms, Warnings, Feelings,
-Finalizing, outcome, D&C or Natural

What emotions did you go through before, during and after?

How did your partner act/react?

How did you feel the medical community treated you?

How did friends/family react?

What were your thoughts/feelings on trying again?

What happened next? (If another miscarriage, repeat 2-7)

What do you wish you knew then that you know now about miscarriage?

What do you wish had been differently by the medical community?

What have you learned about yourself since your miscarriage (s)? About your partner? Your friends? Your family?

What was the hardest thing about your miscarriage(s)?

How did the miscarriages(s) affect you spiritually?

What did you do, if anything, to memorialize the miscarriage(s)?

What have you found most helpful during this process?

What advice would you give other women who have miscarried?

These are all questions and emotions I have to really revisit this week before the interview. They are great questions- they take me back to places I don't necessarily want to go- but have to go. Somehow... this topic has to be broached. And right now, this is how I feel I can contribute. I can't stand to think there are millions of women out there right now suffering quietly....

We do NOT have to do this alone...

I Am There... Holding Your Hand

I have been thinking and dreaming a lot about the birth of babies. I have a friend who is four days over due to give birth...right now... and I have this vision of being in the room while she delivers her baby. In this vision I am very happy for her. I am very happy for me for being happy for her. I see this as growth.

But this vision will not happen. Not because I am not happy for her. But I had to self-preserve months ago when she began to grow a healthy pregnancy and I lost my second one in a row. I pulled away from everyone- not just the healthy pregnant ones. And as a result that friendship is fractured. She felt abandoned and I needed space and time to recover. I am not sure what the right "way" to go about this situation is? I couldn't be around babies, strollers, pregnancy, anything related to the topic. I then couldn't be near her or anyone who was pregnant. Hell, I could barely be near anyone, pregnant or not.

I feel better about feeling better. I am growing further and further away from the daily hook of pain deep inside my soul and gut. And then sometimes I feel guilty for feeling better... like- jeez, it has only been 4 months since the 2nd miscarriage- shouldn't I be feeling bad? But I do feel better. Life has moved into a new direction. In previous posts I have questioned my desire and motivation for a child at all. I think this is physiologically based (self preservation) again. I am sure that I want a child. I think about it more and more. I have other things that I want right now as well. I want to excel at my job and really get a foothold in the professional world. I want to succeed. I want to make a mark. My mark.

We are also in the process of selling our home- and I am eager to get into a new home with new walls to paint. This is exciting for both Bob and I. And I would like to travel this summer. Maybe Montana. Maybe camping. But what matters is that I have my life back. Before, my limbs were heavy with grief... I couldn't move. I was stunted with pain.

Now- it is Spring and I feel alive. I feel purposefully. I feel rejuvenate.

I am having normal cycles now- for the first time in a long time. I gage my temp every morning and that is interesting. Sometimes I get off balance and I feel as if I am starting at square one. But I know I am not. I know I have grown so much in the last year. My first miscarriage was last July... I can't believe it is upon us already.

This is not all for nothing. This path has lead me to places I wouldn't have ever found without the loss of those two little souls. I will never wish this experience on my worst enemy- but I can for sure say... that out of this and these kinds of experiences - we grow. We grow new skin. Thicker. Mightier. Strong. Better. Perhaps even gain a sense of self that we didn't have.

Today, somewhere, I think my friend is giving birth to her baby. And in my head, I am with her. I am holding her hand. I am part of her celebration and that is okay. I am okay.

Don't Say That!

**This is a guide for those you love who just haven't a CLUE on what to say to you in your time of pain from the loss of a child. Print this out and give it to them. They will understand.

Miscarriage rates are often said to be about one in every five pregnancies. This means that we will all know someone who has experienced a miscarriage in our lives. In trying to be helpful and caring we often find ourselves saying things that we think would make the person feel better, but in fact, makes them feels worse.

Never say these phrases:

"You can always have another."
They don't want another baby, they want this baby.
"Now you have an angel looking after you."
They don't want an angel, they want their baby back.
"It's for the best."
Best for whom?
"At least you didn't know your baby."
Whether you held your baby in your arms or only in your mind, this baby is real.
"There must have been something wrong..."
Wrong with me?
"Did you do something you weren't supposed to do?"
Did I cause this? How could I have hurt my baby?
"I understand how you feel."
Even if you have had a miscarriage, every one feels their grief uniquely.
"Have you ever thought of not having children?"
Yes, I probably have. I realize that I may never be a mother.
"Be grateful for the children you have..."
It isn't a question of being ungrateful or not appreciating what I have.

Things to say:
"I'm sorry."
"What can I do to help?"
"I'm here for you."

Remember to take your time and be kind and gentle with your friend or relative. Every one has their own grieving ways and time frame. Don't expect them to "get over it." Just be there and offer a shoulder and a comforting hug.

How Can Britney Crack My Shell?

Okay, this is totally irrational… I get that. Britney Spears is officially pregnant. Yeah! She will be a young mom and that is great. But in reading this news (even though it has been speculated over the last few weeks) I can’t help but feel my stomach churn. I even went to her website to double check. And yes, it is true.

I just can’t believe that something like Britney Spears (someone I do not admire, look up to or even care about) has had this affect on me- especially today… right when you think your feet are solid on the ground and things are back to “normal” you hear that Britney Fucking Spears gets pregnant … this can really shake one up. It has me. I cannot understand why? Perhaps because she got pregnant and will probably deliver a healthy baby and I got pregnant and my babies died? Yeah, that might have something to do with it.

Our second baby died the week that Julia Roberts came out on the cover of PEOPLE Magazine with her twins. That killed too.

My shell has been re-cracked; opened. I know that I can’t put this away for good. But I can’t believe the MAGNITUDE of strength these feelings of sadness and pain have over me… so strong. So real and painful.

I am sitting at my desk doing everything I can to not crack out loud. IE: Cry, shake, throw up, leave in panic, run, and hide in the bathroom. I am trying to look busy but all I can think about is Britney Spears and her belly.

How messed up. Totally psychologically debilitating… one minute I am contemplating if I want to have a kid or not, the next I am shaking because someone else is pregnant and I am not. All I have is loss.

I am so confused by this.

Pain & Confusion

How can one lose two babies.... suffer the total pain and sadness of miscarriage for months on end... and then wonder if they want to even be a mother?

I am totally confused. After the first miscarriage I KNEW I wanted to be a Mom. Every priority was put in check... I wanted to be a MOM no matter what!

Then the second miscarriage... so much pain... still.

And now I wonder... "Is this what I really want?" And I also wonder if this is just self-preservation? Am I strategically trying to make it so that I don't think I want kids so that if I get pregnant and everything goes well then life will be grand... but if I don't get pregnant and I can't carry a baby I can look back and say "well, I didn't really know if I wanted kids anyway... so maybe this is better?"

The mind is a psychological jungle... no one should be alone in their mind.

I don't know what the right answers are... But I am taking my temps everyday- not because we are trying but because we need to see "my cycle" and "my pattern"... it is pretty cool actually. They should teach this in school. So many unwated teenage pregnancies would not occur if girls and women knew their cycles better. Now when I ovulate Bob says "honey, you are in HEAT!" Pretty cute.

We have found some laughter again... our home is not deadened with sadness and remorse all the time. Our walls hold tons of memories and have seen everything over the last four years... When we sell this home I look forward to creating new memories... In a home with different walls and perhaps laughter and maybe even babies... maybe not.

I suppose I should leave the planning to the stars and just trust that I am exactly where I am supposed to be...

Pregnant Workers Report Growing Discrimination

By Stephanie Armour, USA TODAY

The number of women claiming they've been discriminated against on the job because they're pregnant is soaring even as the birth rate declines.
Mailyn Pickler, 23, was fired from an auto dealership a week after she revealed her pregnancy.

Pregnancy discrimination complaints filed with the federal Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) jumped 39% from fiscal year 1992 to 2003, according to a recent analysis of government data by the Washington-based National Partnership for Women & Families. During that same time, the nation's birthrate dropped 9%.

The surge in pregnancy complaints makes it one of the fastest-growing types of employment discrimination charges filed with the EEOC — outpacing the rise in sexual harassment and sex discrimination claims.

The charges are coming from a range of women, from those in entry-level jobs as well as those in executive suites. Well-known employers that have faced pregnancy-discrimination lawsuits include Wal-Mart, Hooters and Cincinnati Bell.
Rob Schumacher, for USA TODAY

Marilyn Pickler says she was fired after telling supervisors about her pregnancy.
Employment lawyers say that, in many cases, employers are simply making honest mistakes as they try to understand a variety of federal and state laws governing issues such as pregnancy discrimination and family leave. And they say it's easy to overlook the very real costs of pregnancy to small employers, who may see productivity suffer significantly when women take time off after having a baby.

But pregnant women claim they've been unfairly fired, denied promotions and in some cases urged to terminate pregnancies in order to keep their jobs.
Mailyn Pickler, 23, of Mesa, Ariz., says she was working for auto dealership Berge Ford when she told a manager about her pregnancy. About a week later, she says, supervisors told her she was being fired. They told her they were concerned that it would not be safe for her to drive, which was part of her job, while she was pregnant, according to the lawsuit.

Berge Ford did not return calls seeking comment.

"I burst into tears," Pickler says. "They thought I was not going to be able to do my job. They thought I would throw up or have a cramp. But pregnant women work every day. It just wasn't fair."

The EEOC filed a lawsuit on Pickler's behalf, and the case was settled out of court for $70,000. Her son, Jesse, is 3, and Pickler, who is now a stay-at-home mom, is pregnant again.

The rise in pregnancy discrimination cases is important now because more women of child-bearing age are in the labor force: Women make up about 47% of the total labor force, and they're projected to account for more than half of the increase in total labor force growth from 2002 until 2012, according to the Department of Labor.
And more working women are having children at a later age, when careers are better established and more is financially at stake. In 2000, the average American woman having her first child was almost 25 years old. In 1970, the average age was 21.4 years for a first birth, according to a 2002 report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Pregnancy discrimination cases also are costing companies more money. In fiscal year 2003, theEEOC and state and local agencies collected $12.4 million from charges of pregnancy discrimination (that amount excludes any awards obtained through lawsuits), vs. $3.7 million collected in 1992. Money may also come from other sources, such as conciliation agreements with employers and benefits obtained through mediation.

The length of time it takes a case to come to trial or settle can vary. Some cases are resolved within a year; some may drag on in the courts for a number of years.
"We've seen an explosion, a huge increase in cases," says Mary Jo O'Neill, a regional lawyer with the EEOC. "The kind of cases we're seeing are very blatant, cases where managers say, 'We don't want pregnant women working here.' "
Several factors may be behind the trend:

•More pregnant women are staying in the workplace rather than going on early leave. More women are working while pregnant, and they're working further into their pregnancies. In the decade before the 1978 passage of the Pregnancy Discrimination Act, more than half of employed women quit their jobs when they became pregnant, according to the National Partnership for Women & Families analysis of government data. The non-profit education and advocacy group also found that, by the early 1990s, that number dropped to 27% of pregnant women.

"The discrimination is more prevalent because there are so many more women who are working pregnant," says Debra Ness, president of the National Partnership for Women & Families. "People think pregnancy discrimination is a thing of the past, that it doesn't happen anymore. But it does."

•Productivity pressures and the economy. The sluggish economy in recent years has pushed employers to lay off workers and stress productivity, leaving fewer employees doing more work. Employers may see pregnant workers — with pending maternity leave and their possible need for more flexible work arrangements in the future — as a liability.

"Pregnancy is expensive for employers," says Veronica Duffy, an employment lawyer in Rapid City, S.D., who has represented pregnant women filing discrimination claims. "And as health insurance costs rise, costs become more of an issue. Employers are driven to discriminate."

•Stereotypes about pregnant women persist. Mounting research shows that women who become pregnant are viewed as less competent in the workplace — a view that is held by both male and female co-workers.

In one study published in 1993 in the Journal of Organizational Behavior, pregnant and non-pregnant women performed tasks that were rated by college students drafted for the research. While both subjects performed the same, those who were pregnant consistently received lower performance ratings. They were viewed as overly emotional, often irrational, physically limited and less than committed to their jobs, according to the report.

In another study, pregnant women were interviewed about their own experiences on the job. About half said their supervisors' reactions to their pregnancies were negative, according to the report published in 1997 in the Journal of Business and Psychology.

They also reported intrusive comments from co-workers, including such comments as, "Why are you eating so much?" and, "Do you have stretch marks yet?" About half of pregnant women managers said subordinates became upset or hostile.

"When women become pregnant, they're seen as putting personal life ahead of work," says Jane Halpert, an associate professor of industrial and organizational psychology at DePaul University who worked on the studies. "There's a whole set of separate attitudes that show up at work when you get pregnant."

Roberta Carlton says she's seen it firsthand. When she was working as a manager at a software company, she says she wanted to hire a woman who had just had a baby. She says her boss said the job applicant was a new parent and wouldn't be able to put in the hours. What the boss didn't know was that Carlton was three months pregnant at the time.

"You wonder how many women deal with this," says Carlton, 39, who went on maternity leave and was later laid off. She now is a vice president at a public relations firm in Lexington, Mass. "I thought pregnancy was something people were educated about. I hadn't realized anything that blatant happened anymore."

Employers have concerns

But employment lawyers also point out that there are some valid concerns for companies. Small employers can be especially hard hit if they have a large number of women who go out on maternity leave: Productivity can suffer, and there can be extra work for co-workers who are forced to pick up the slack.
Employers can also wind up in a bind if they hire a woman who goes on maternity leave during a critical time, such as a tax-preparation firm that loses a woman to leave during April, when demand is at its peak.

"It can create an enormous challenge for a small organization," says Michael Lotito, a San Francisco-based employment lawyer. He says employers can also feel unable to take disciplinary action against a pregnant employee who isn't performing because they fear it will be seen as discriminatory.

And Lotito says part of the increase in discrimination claims could be coming simply because employers are making honest mistakes or are confused by conflicting laws. Many states have protections for pregnant women that go beyond the federal law. For example, they may mandate that pregnant women be allowed to get some paid time off through employee payroll taxes.

Federal law allows for 12 weeks of unpaid leave.

Generally, under current federal law, an employer shouldn't ask job applicants if they are pregnant; a job seeker also is not required to inform an employer of her pregnancy, legal experts say.

An employer also can't force a pregnant woman to take time off during her pregnancy or force her to quit because of fears the work may be hazardous to her or her fetus. Employees who go on maternity leave must generally get the same treatment as other employees with disabilities or time off.

Susan Kenna, 38, says her employer didn't make accommodations for her when she became pregnant with triplets. She says managers cut her pay after she needed to go on bed rest, and she says she was cut out of meetings before being put on bed rest and generally pressured to quit. She was on bed rest for one week.

Kenna, who worked as a director at Gitto/Global Corp., went into early labor on Sept. 28, 2001, and her triplets died shortly after birth. She says in a lawsuit filed last year against her employer that stress over discrimination played a role in triggering the early births.

Gitto/Global, a manufacturer of specialty compounds, filed for bankruptcy protection in September 2004 and sold its assets to S & E Specialty Polymers. Gitto/Global has been embroiled in scandal following accusations top officials created bogus customers and bilked lenders out of millions of dollars.

A spokeswoman declined to comment, saying the lawsuit originated before the sale. The case was filed in August 2004 and is still pending. A trial date has not yet been set.

"I believe the stress caused my pre-term labor, and I filed a lawsuit because I didn't want my children to die in vain," says Kenna, of Sterling, Mass., who is now the mother of 2-year-old twin girls and a son who is just over 2 months old. "A lot of people at companies are getting away with this, and they have to be called on their bad behavior."

Little Dreams of Pink Lines

So the new job started and all is well. It is nice to be working in a business environment again after being in the non-profit. I love what the non-profs ultimately DO...

But I tell ya what I have never seen such a dysfunctional environment as I have in the one I just left. So bad, in fact, that I went to the board of directors and they are now in the process of an internal investigation. They have an employment lawyer in there interviewing people daily. I was going to file an EEOC claim and may still- but I will wait to see how things shake out with the lawyer first.

My guess is that the CEO and VP of Development are going to lose their jobs... and so they should. It is an abusive and explosive place where people are favored and mistreated all under one roof. I spent 8 months there. These are the very people that tried to lay me off while I was on bed rest. They actually did lay me off-what am I saying? They laid me off and I miscarried 12 hours later. My husband had to call from the hospital to see if I could still return to my job. Meanwhile, I know they were trying to get me out faster than they could or HAD to say "Why sure you can come back to your job!"

Pregnancy and discrimination are holding hands these days... I recorded everything while I was at that job. Though I was on bed rest most of the time and then I miscarried, I was NEVER treated the same as I was before they knew of a pregnancy.

So yeah... it is good to be somewhere else. No job is perfect but I would at least like to think that this job will stick for a while.

I woke this morning and recognized my dreams. Little pink lines and multiple pregnancy tests... yes, in my dreams I was pregnant. Two bold, pink lines. I think I took four tests in my dream just to make sure. It was sure. I was indeed pregnant. And then my alarm went off and I dressed to go to work and had a very good day.

The transition from being pregnant to losing a baby and then back to the workplace is an interesting one. Very difficult, however, if it weren't for work I think I might have just goen insane. I think I went insane anyway- but I think I really would have lost it without something else to focus on rather than the GI-NORMITY of our losses. Yes, I just made that word up.

Now, being in a business setting again with the opportunity to really climb "that ole' ladder" I am second guessing my maternal instinct. Of course, I know it is silly and ridiculous because I will eventually try and get pregnant again- but I am questioning the meaning having a child has for me? Why do I feel a child will "complete" the picture? Is it that I want a child or is it what I am "supposed" to do? I grapple with this.

If my first pregnancy would have worked I would have a child that would be a little over 2 months old right now and I KNOW that I would not be asking these questions... But that isn't the case.

I wonder how women do it? Go to work. Have a family. Be wives and friends and find time for themselves? How do women do it? I barely have time to pee- let alone manage all the balls that so many women juggle so beautifully. It is an anomaly to me, truly.

So, tomorrow, I will put on my suit (more casual than not) and drive to the city (10 minutes) and get my shitty coffee (7-11) and I will work and be proud and be thankful. I am thankful for what has touched me. Because it has jarred me into thinking about things differently.

If two pink lines showed up tomorrow I would welcome them in my door. But for now there won't be any lines. No lines to my uterus. No lines from peeing. No lines at all. For now it is about my lifeline. My husbands lifeline. Our "getting back to life" goal. And that feels good.

Social and Personal Expectations

So here I am… almost four months after my second miscarriage and eight months after my first miscarriage. It is amazing how time really puts a gap between such pain and loss and spreads it further and further from the dripping and aching heart that I once had. My heart still aches… don’t get me wrong. I still see strollers loud and clear. I see bouncing babies everywhere. I see big, round bellies staring me in the face. I still see it all.

The difference today is that I can cope. Only weeks ago, months perhaps I would fall silly to the ground with sadness or die a little bit daily from the sharp blade of pain and loss. I don’t feel that as sharp or as dramatically. My losses will never go away… they are there forever. The memories of being newly pregnant and so beautifully hopeful the first time will always be a wonderful and fond memory- now in the distance.

I am not thankful I had 2 miscarriages. I will always wonder what could have been. I will never know. BUT… what I do know is that I will never look at children the same. What a true and amazing miracle they are. What a blessing. I always “knew” that babies were miracles because it is what “everyone” else would say… but now I am old enough and a little wiser these days… I get it. Babies are total miracles. And not everyone gets to have one. And if people do get to have babies they are very blessed.

My anger is slowly trickling away. I think there will always be a space inside of me that harbors the resentment… the long lost look in my eyes when I see other women conceive and roll through their pregnancies with no bumps or curves. But I am not as angry. I am sort of moving on. I feel selfish in saying this but I am. I have taken on some new directions in my life in the last six weeks that have changed my landscape in what I believe to be a healthy way.

I am beginning a new job that could potentially be a very prestigious position and will give me some freedom. It will also provide the canvass I have so longed for in my professional life- a canvass in which to create, design, explore, investigate, research, execute and really use my mind. Marketing is a wonderfully complex and outrageous field. I so adore it. Bob and I have also put out town home on the market and are hoping for a quick sale. We found the home we have dreamed of. It is amazing. And with a new job and potentially a new home I think our baby plans will be taking a different place in our lives right now. And I am okay with that, surprisingly. I thought I wouldn’t be – but I am and oddly feel somewhat relieved.

For some time I have felt such a deep hole in my core being that I felt such an urgency to fill it up – with something- with anything!! Now, I just want to get on with my life. I want to notice the beauty in the world and really just enjoy the simplicity Bob and I have been so freely given. I am not backing away from Mommy hood… just taking a sabbatical for now. There is so much to do!

I have also joined the Board of Directors for a non-profit in Denver and that will fill my “do-gooder” square. I like that.

And not to mention reserving time for friends, fun and activity. Something in which Bob and I have been totally void of due to overwhelming sadness and grief for the better part of the last 8 months.

So this is good. Baby steps. No pun intended. But it is true. You don’t get over a miscarriage over night. Sometimes never. But from what I am learning you do change the course and adjust your sail.

Bob and I will get our chance- I just don’t think the time is now… and I am finally okay with this. I am looking forward to blossoming as a young professional woman and leveraging my career in as many ways as I can. And, I know it is okay to want and have both a professional life and a life as a mother. Soon, I hope to combine the two.

The only nagging feeling I have is that I am just getting older…31 and Bob 44. The only reason I feel a sense of urgency is that I want my kids to have young enough parents that we will actually remember their names! I want them to see us in our youth as much as they can. And, I want them to know their grandparents. But I am learning… a little late I might add, that you can’t have it all. And you can’t have it all, now.

What's My Temperature?

Every morning I wake with the sound of a frog. The frog ribbets his way into my dreams and stirs me awake. I hit snooze at least four times before I actually even open my eyes. I have a nature alarm clock. I can wake to birds but that is way too annoying. I can wake to a heartbeat but I know I wouldn’t even budge to the heartbeat, it is way to soft. I can choose a waterfall, the sound of waves crashing and the frog. I like the frog. It makes me smile.

Once the snooze button has been hit sufficiently four times I roll over and open my second dresser drawer that harbors my bras, the latest PEOPLE magazine, a book, whichever one I am reading at the time and a chart with temperatures and dates along with a thermometer. Without even opening my eyes I push the on button and stick the thermometer beneath my morning tongue and wait. Sometimes it takes forever, especially since you cannot even pee before you take your temp. Sometimes, I fall back to sleep and the beeping signal wakes me indicating that my temperature has been recorded in the window- another words…take the damn thing out of my mouth!

I record the temp on the chart and it tells me exactly what is going on with my hormones. During my period I just mark XXX’s in the boxes. But the day my period ends I begin taking my temp. On the days that I begin to ovulate my temp will raise and stay high. If I am pregnant my temp will stay high. If I am not pregnant my temp will immediately plummet. It is biologically and scientifically impressive. I can tell when I am pregnant before a pregnancy test now. Thank god I won’t be wasting money on any more of those for a while!

And I probably won’ t be seeing myself pregnant either. I need some time. I just know it. As much as I want a baby and really want to make a go of this parenting thing I know I need time. I am scarred and torn and really still very sad. I am a lot better than I was a few months ago but I am not whole yet and it wouldn’t be fair.

I have so many things going on that I think it is best to just be okay with now and be okay with the process of waiting for the right time. I have never been good at waiting for anything- but I have to now. I cannot just “want” something and then make this happen. It has to happen when the time is right.

Once again, I am beginning a new job and with that comes stress and a whole set of new ideas and expectations. And surely I cannot wind up pregnant in the first few months of a new job. See, I did that once… and I had a big target on my back the rest of the time I was employed with the organization. I was a ‘pregnancy risk’ and was never treated the same after I got pregnant and even after I lost my baby. I think they assumed I would just get knocked up again and they would have to deal. Well, lucky for them, I resigned. Assholes. But now I am moving into a position when I am going to have an enormous amount of responsibility and there are going to be greater expectations. I am happy about this. And I know that holding off for a while is appropriate. Not what I envisioned but okay.

Our lives just need a huge big breath of fresh air and maybe some laughter and some down time. Room to grow into our skin together, Bob and I. Time to heal. Space to manage the losses and the gains and just some freedom. People keep saying we will get our chance… and one way or another I am pretty sure we will.

So I will keep waking to the ribbett each morning and I will take my temp just so I know what my body is doing inside. I still have tests to take but I have decided to take a break on that as well; at least until the end of April. I just need a break. I cannot have any more people digging around inside of me for a while. No more stirrups… just for a while.

And I will keep hoping deep inside that when the time is right it will present itself.

To the anonymous poster who told me to “get over it” and that my “writing was very angry….” You are correct. I am angry. And this is where I resolve that. This is where I become whole. You landed on my page. Go home… let me and all of us be what we need to be. That is what this is about. It is called ‘healing.’ So please… don’t come back you are not welcome.

Be well everyone… talk soon.

The Source of Fear and Denial...A Readers Post

I recently got an email regarding my last post that I would like to share with all of you. I found this post to be really unnecessary.

If you are out there are you take the time to read my blog and have the balls to tell ME to "get over it" then you are the very source and cause of why PEOPLE DO NOT TALK about miscarriage or recognize it as a HUGE LOSS.

YOU are the very source of denial and fear. It is by writing through the pain that I cope- and that frame does not have a time period.

How dare you.

Don't tell me to GET OVER losing my babies- Ever.

This is the post:

**Oh and whoever you are ... Next time- have the balls to post with your name so we can see you.

"I have read several of your pages, and I am so sad for you ~ it is truly a frightening, sad and completely random experience that effects a woman who has had a miscarriage. I know your pain and am sorry you have had to go through such trauma ~ but you need to get over this. I know that is blunt and seems callous, but you do. Life is a gift, and when the time is right for you and your man to have another opportunity to love and cherish another life, you will be given that chance. In the meantime, you need to heal yourself of this hateful state you have placed yourself in. You sound angry and irrational in your writings ~ and although this is a part of the healing process, until you get past it, you will never be healthy enough to try again. All things happen for a reason. Some reasons are hard to see, but they will teach you if you push past this angered state and search for the answer. "

A Little History...

I found this piece and wanted to share. This was written after my first miscarriage in July 2004.


We lost our baby. Bob and I found out we were pregnant on June 5th, 2004 and lost the baby on July 15th, 2004. I had gotten so incredibly bonded with the baby growing inside of me. It is amazing how close you can become to something you haven’t even met or seen. I lay awake most nights thinking of the future of our child, what would we name the baby? What would the nursery look like? Would we be good parents? Would I be able to find a job before I started showing? So many thoughts and so much to read and learn. When we first found out we were both shocked and stunned. How did this happen we think? But then, the little angle just took hold of us and everything we did was about this new child we were going to bring into the world. On July 14th I started bleeding, and the on call Dr. said to come to the clinic in the morning for an Ultrasound. I knew it wasn’t good, because I was cramping and the bleeding was getting worse.

When we got to the clinic we had to wait for an hour or so. Then, some insensitive woman did an ultrasound, and took measurements of our baby. She told us that our baby’s heartbeat was not beating. Part of me died that morning for sure. I wailed in the Doctor’s office and Bob draped himself over me. We cried and cried. They moved us into a room so that we would not have to sit out in the waiting room with out tears. The Doctor seems so “routine” about it. We had just lost a child, and she was so blasé.

Our baby had died at about 8 weeks… right after they told us that there was a healthy heartbeat and that we had a 95% chance of bringing home a healthy baby. It had been gone inside of me for two weeks. It never miscarried itself. So, my options were to “wait” for my baby to come out of me in a painful miscarriage, or to get a D&C, which is a nice word for abortion…and a scraping of the uterus. I chose the D&C so that I could get the baby out and make sure that it wasn’t missed. I was scheduled to go to the hospital that afternoon. Bob and I went home and I started going into labor- it lasted 20 minutes of the worst contractions- and the only contractions I had ever felt. I knew the baby was trying to miscarry. Amy came over and held me. We got a hold of my Mom in Guatemala-, which wasn’t easy. I cried and cried and cried.

That afternoon, Amy, Bob and I went to the Hospital, and it took hours of waiting, but I had my D&C and was sent home. I think during the procedure, I was crying out for my baby. It has been under two weeks since we lost our baby. I haven’t stopped crying. Oh, sure, I stop for hours at a time, but each day, I cry. Bob has been angry more than anything… and I have just been so sad. So terribly sad. I can’t imagine that women go through this everyday, sometimes, more than once. Some women, several times. It is something I always knew was a possibility, but I tried my best to be as careful and loving and calm as I could. And it still doesn’t matter. Our first child has died.

I am not sure you ever recover fully from such a loss. Nor, can you compare it to the loss of a grown child. But it is a loss of huge and awful proportions. At night, when I wake, to get something to drink, it hurts. All the nights I laid awake planning for our baby, I was so excited, scared, happy, and nervous. Now, now that the baby is gone, I do feel such a sense of immense loneliness… like something has been robbed from my body and it has.

This changes a person, for sure. I won’t ever be the same. I don’t know about Bob. I think we will “bounce” back and get into our routine and the days will draw longer and separate us from this experience. Time will put distance between us and the baby that we lost. We will get on with out lives and days will pass, and maybe we will get another chance. But I don’t want to live my life obsessing about getting pregnant. Nothing will replace my first experience- and if I get the great honor again, it will be different. Equally wonderful, but different. I think I will have to try hard not to get so attached so early on. How one does this, I do not know? I just hope that we are able to have children and bring them into this world and hold their hands like we had planned.

This is such a tough time. I so want it to go away- but I know we must honor our baby and grieve. And we must count our blessings as well. It really made me realize what was important to me. Having a child is important. Having a loving family and caring friends is what matters. Without all of this, we are nothing.

I went on to miscarry another baby in November 2004.

Falling Off the Stirrups

This is funny now... but it wasn't yesterday.

Going in for an Endometrial Biop is supposed to be very painful.

So... on my way to the OB I popped a vicadon (pain killer) as they would not give me any anesthesia at the OB for this test (don't ask me why).

SO! I am feeling pretty damn good- as I don't drink, smoke, indulge in caffeine- I am straight as they come.

So, one vicoden made me feel pretty good. BUT ... I was very nervous about the test so of course when we got to the OB's office I popped another thinking "I better make sure I am appropriately drugged!"

The OB comes in and we discover that they cannot - YES- cannot do the test because of my 35 day cycle- I am too early. YOU WOULD THINK THEY WOULD KNOW THAT WHEN THEY SCHEDULED THE APPOINTMENT!!!
But no... They did not.

It was okay though as Bob and I had many questions:

1) How do we know when I am ovulating (you would think we would know this by now but have been nothing but confused by the entire subject with all the mis-information out there) We were given a tempeture chart so I could take my temp every morning before I pee. Scientifically and biologically, this is very cool. Wish I had known about this before- but then... you don't know what you don't know you are supposed to know, ya know?


2) What is e-tegrity- I heard it was for INFERTILITY not recurrent MISCARRIAGE? The e-tegrity test is used to determine how receptive the lining of the uterus is to the implantation of the fertilized egg. The test checks for the presence of the Beta-3 integrin, a glue like protein necessary for implantation to take place. If you are missing the Beta-3 integrin, the fertilized egg may not attach properly to the uterine wall. As a result, your chances of a successful pregnancy are decreased. www.adeza.com

This test is NOT, I repeat NOT covered by insurance... It will run around $500.

3) What is a Phantom Pregnancy? Phantom Pregnancy or A phantom, or false pregnancy, is a condition in which a non-pregnant woman exhibits all the classic symptoms of pregnancy and is firmly convinced that she is pregnant even when clear medical evidence shows that she is not. The medical term for this condition is pseudocyesis.

4) By the time we got to question 4 I rolled off of the table and started crawling to the bathroom down the hall. Halfway down the hall I almost passed out. I was sweating profusely and felt like I was going to die. I made it to the toilet on my knees with my husband trailing me and the OB asking me "what did you eat for lunch?" My head plopped on the toilet bowel and I puked.

Let's just say this was not one of my brighter moments.

So - I did not get the Endometrial Biop yesterday. Instead I accidentally overdosed on vicoden and ended up crawling down the hallway of my OB's office.

Thank god it was later in the day- we were the only three people there. I came home with a new thermometer though.

Endometrial Biopsy

Yeah!!!

I get to go in to my OBGYN in a few minutes for an Endometrial Biopsy...

My vagina is like a public science project.

Not cool.

I am now, after my horrifying experience with the HSG (battery acid shot into uterus) afraid of a speculum. Yep. I am done with the cold metal speculums that pry open my vagina on a regular basis in search of something. And how I love when the Doc's say "schoooch down."

Yeah... fuck... you schoooch down. I am done with stirrups and cotton swabs and needles and scales and pregnancy tests... SIGH...

So, I am going to take some vicadon for this journey... I am not a fan of popping pills- but when someone tells me it isn't going to be painful and it is the MOST painful thing I have ever experienced (HSG) and then they tell my that the Endometrial Biop will probably be painful... I'm gonna pop pills.

And that is that.

So... wish me luck.

I am not sure what this test will show. I am quite tired of the whole damn thing.

Popping pills now.

Phantom Pregnancy

In all my years of being a hypochondriac I have never heard of phantom pregnancy or as the medical community calls it pseudocyesis. I have taken 3 pregnancy tests because I feel so PREGNANT. And really, since the tests come up negative I have to attribute my new physical experience to pseudocyesis. Here is a brief description:

What is it?

A phantom, or false pregnancy, is a condition in which a non-pregnant woman exhibits all the classic symptoms of pregnancy and is firmly convinced that she is pregnant even when clear medical evidence shows that she is not. The medical term for this condition is pseudocyesis.
How is it diagnosed?

The first thing a woman with a phantom pregnancy will probably do is visit her GP or antenatal clinic complaining of all the usual symptoms and minor discomforts of early pregnancy such as absence of periods; breast enlargement; nausea and vomiting; weight gain and abdominal distension. If a urine sample is tested at this stage it will confirm the existence, or otherwise of a pregnancy, but a woman suffering from a true pseudocyesis will continue to insist that she is pregnant, regardless of medical opinion.

Who is at risk?

While the incidence of true pseudocyesis is extremely rare, the most 'at risk' group of women are those in their late thirties or early forties who desperately want a child and have been trying to conceive for many years. These women will normally be quite stable emotionally but will have a tendency to become very emotional over the whole question of pregnancy.

Pseudocyesis can also occur in some women who have lost a pregnancy or a baby and, while it is probably an emotional reaction to their trauma, there is also evidence to suggest that a temporary hormonal imbalance may be a contributory factor.

How is it treated?

The treatment of a woman who is suffering from a true pseudocyesis requires very careful and sympathetic consideration, often with the help of a supportive partner or family network.

Despite the existence of positive medical proof that she is not pregnant, the woman suffering from a phantom pregnancy may remain convinced of her pregnancy for some time, which is one of the reasons why follow-up counselling may have to be arranged for her.

Very severe emotional disturbance may follow in a woman who finally comes to the realization that she has been suffering from a false pregnancy. It is at this stage that the sympathy and understanding of those closest to her is vital, and that the services of a trained counselor may be offered.

Is there a medical explanation for phantom pregnancy?

The phenomenon of phantom pregnancy is a perplexing one for the medical profession. Nobody has yet come up with an explanation as to why a very small percentage of women actually exhibit all the classic symptoms of pregnancy such as weight gain, breast enlargement and abdominal distension when they are not pregnant at all. The fact that a woman actually looks pregnant makes the job of her GP even more difficult when he has to try to explain to her that all her urine samples are testing negative for pregnancy.

Phantom pregnancy or pseudocyesis cannot just be dealt with from a medical or gynecological perspective without taking due consideration of the severe underlying emotional distress and turmoil which has led to the diagnosis of such a condition in the first place.


Are you kidding me? I am actually stunned by this discovery!

IT IS JUST ONE MORE THING ....Anyway… I thought this to be fascinating and now I know that I am probably NOT pregnant- that I just have a touch of this pseudocyesis! Along with miscarriages, panic attacks, mourning, grief, missed periods, a closed fallopian tube and just plain old anger… just add this to the mix.

Anyway- I just thought I would share. Bob and I were not even trying to conceive as I have tests that remain. So being disappointed that I am NOT pregnant is even more confusing… why be disappointed when were weren’t even TRYING and aren’t even READY?

Peeing

I started peeing a lot today...oh, how interesting you say!

But truly… I know that pee. That pee that means you gotta’ go NOW!

I noticed this morning that I had been peeing more than normal.

Hmm, I thought… could it be possible?

Seeing as I just learned my left fallopian tube is closed for business and no chance of remodel, I wonder?

If I count the months I did in fact get pregnant (June & October) they are all EVEN numbered months. So, this would be considered an ODD month.

But I am peeing. And my eyes hurt. Yes.. an odd side effect of pregnancy that I get…"Dry Eyes.”

Something deep inside me says, “YOU’RE PREGNANT!”

It’s only been four days since we had sex. I am not due for my period for another two weeks. Could it be possible that my body knows?

I bought four... count them, FOUR pregnancy tests = total $36. I peed on the stick- actually I over peed on the stick after work today.

I think it doesn’t really matter if we get pregnant now or not. But then who am I kidding? No pun intended.

We still need the Beta 3 Integrin test- don’t ask because I don’t know… but if we got pregnant we would be happy- wouldn't we?

The stick came up with only one line. And those of you who know… you know that one pink line can’t win. I wanted two even if I didn’t. And if I would have gotten two pink likes I would have freaked out!

So, I peed again. One line.

Well, maybe it is just to damn early. The hormones haven’t had a chance to process. Or maybe I am just making this all up in my head.

One pink line. That’s it. That’s all.

FRIDA AND THE MISCARRIAGE

Frida and the Miscarriage

I am fascinated by miscarriage in a way that makes me want to understand it. My own miscarriages have been one dimensional and nonetheless excruciating and painful to my heart and soul. In my quest for understanding I have found some intimate and profound information that I would like to share with you.

Somehow, some of these stories, ideas, pictures and notions heal me. I hope you enjoy reading about some of the following information as I have enjoyed the research and the peace it has brought to my often turbulent heart.


FRIDA KAHLO – FRIDA AND THE MISCARRIAGE

A female figure stands facing us, unclothed, her left side darker than her right, occupying the middle of the frame. She is surrounded with images from the process of human reproduction. The largest of the former is the well-formed male fetus in the frame's lower left, which is connected by a thin umbilical cord wrapped around the figure's right leg to a fetus in an early stage of development in the figure's abdomen, which we see as if by x-ray.

Tear-shaped droplets of blood drip down the figure's left leg and soak into a dark mass in the earth, where they nourish the roots of several plants. A tear rolls down each of the figure's cheeks. Just above her to her left is a weeping crescent moon. Below it is an artist's palette that the figure holds up with a second left arm.

This is a product of Kahlo's first and only attempt at lithography, a project conceived to reduce the effects of depression following her second miscarriage in 1932. Following a near-fatal bus accident at the age of eighteen that left her with injuries to her pelvis, spine, and uterus, Kahlo's chances of bearing a child were slim, but she desperately wanted one by her husband, the painter Diego Rivera, and she tried several times against the odds.

In "Frida and the Miscarriage" (as in Henry Ford Hospital, also in this database), Kahlo makes her sorrow evident. However, the work moves beyond human biology to an almost spiritual view of nature. Blood from the hemorrhage that ended her pregnancy nourishes plants which, as Herrera notes, resemble parts of the human body, perhaps suggesting that death is part of a wider natural cycle of life and death and rebirth. (Interestingly, the work's tears and drops of blood are indistinguishable, both rendered as clear.)

As in several of Kahlo's other works (see Tree of Hope in this database), the figure's darkened left side is associated with the moon and a metaphysics or strategy for survival. This litho adds to that left-side constellation the image of the artist's palette, shaped like a heart but also mirroring the smaller fetus. The palette is held up by a third arm, suggesting that art comes from the "healing side" and provides strength the figure would otherwise not have. Near the end of her life, Kahlo remarked that painting had "completed" her life. Considering how much she suffered, and how much of that suffering is expressed in her art, we may wonder if art had not in fact been for Kahlo the thing that made living possible.

Collection of Dolores Olmedo Foundation, Mexico City
Hayden Herrera, Frida Kahlo: The Paintings (copyright 1991, HarperCollins; Perennial reprint, 2002)

Created in 1932
Woodcock, John A.
8/13/02

http://endeavor.med.nyu.edu/lit-med/lit-med-db/webdocs/webart/kahlo72-art-.html

I Can Do This... We Can Do This...

Okay...

So I thought I was "growing" and I probably am. Last night we went to an art walk and I swear to god every person we saw had a child under two. There were more strollers than I could count... and the cutest baby girl hats I have ever seen. It went unspoken but I know Bob saw it and I know my mom saw it... babies and parent's everywhere.

I felt for my mom last night because I know how badly she wants to be a grandma. She has wanted this for some time- and USE to joke that she would walk through a mall and get caught at the Baby Gap- her nose pressed against the window. That never gets said anymore- and I know she has felt the losses deeply. Though I am the one that carried those babies the people in my life around me were very excited... it was evident in our wedding vows that Bob and I "looked forward to being parent's." It is just so sad.

I think the growth I noticed last night was that I didn't loathe or hate the women or men pushing the strollers. And I probably never "HATED" them- but definitely couldn't stand to be around it. Last night it was more of something I noticed rather than something I felt- it was not a deep tearing of my heart like it was only weeks ago. So, yes... some growth- but I won't lie... I am envious of good eggs, good fallopian tubes, good vaginas, good pregnancies and good birth. How can I not be?

I hold tight to the idea that our time will come - even though I want to knock people's heads off that say that... but I do try to hold close to that notion and maybe it will come true.

In the meantime- Bob and I are living. We are loving. We are painting. We are reading. We are experiencing life for what it is and not for what we think it should be. And that is interesting- Birdseye view from a control freak... let's just say this woman is learning a lot...

So yeah... I can do this... we can do this.

Good Night...