Miscarriage Outloud

I can't tell you how many people have written over the course of the last 5 months regarding miscarriage. I originally started writing this blog because I needed a place to grieve on my terms. I needed a place where I could go whenever I needed to and write, cry, tell my story, find some sort of peace, if only for a moment.

Not only have I been able to do all of these things- I have also been able to do something else that is one of my biggest priorities now. I have been able to TALK about miscarriage. TALK OUTLOUD. WRITE OUTLOUD about one of the biggest medical mysteries of our time. Truly, this has been so healing for me and so powerful. So many people ignore the subject all together. Most, turn their head the other way when the words are spoken M-I-S-C-A-R-R-I-A-G-E - people react to it as if it is either a dirty word or a new planet that has not yet been fucked with by NASA.

It is the biggest loss of my life... both of my miscarriages. I won't be the same. I won't ever forget. And I won't just BOUNCE BACK... I WILL TALK ABOUT IT- even if it makes others uncomfortable- because somehow... People ALL people need to know the facts- what little there are. That indeed, miscarriage will touch someone close to you- I guarantee it. That miscarriage is largely misunderstood and mistreated - let me rephrase: the patients of miscarriage are largely MISTREATED. That miscarriage is a LOSS... That most people think it is a gathering of cells- nothing yet, right? NO. Actually, it is a baby. From the second you pee on the stick and see two pink lines... you are a mother. And I am no pro-lifer, right wing Christian advocate here folks... but I now know what it is like to carry a child- partially. And it hurts that both of our babies slipped away.

So, I write ths blog because it gives me a place of freedom. It gives me a place to tell my story- because my story keeps going on- even though it is almost one year since my 1st miscarriage and just two months away from my second due date. I was supposed to give birth on July 4th, 2005. My story doesn't stop at the loss of our babies. I think that was the beginning. I feel as if I am on a crusade. A crusade to get a dialogue started.

IF you have lost a child through miscarriage or know someone who has- there is an incredible network out there. This is one of hundreds of places you can go and know that you are NOT ALONE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO FEEL ALONE... if 1 in 3 women miscarry at some point in their reproductive lives- then girlfriends... we got company.

So keep writing. Keep sending your messages. Keep feeling the pain. Own it. Know that it doesn't just "go away" and life doesn't "just return to normal." It changes you... and makes everything different. Just make sure to heal. Mourn. Talk to your friends and family... and most of all don't ever hide behind the topic of MISCARRIAGE. We cannot afford to shelve this reality anymore.

Thank you to everyone who reads... it means so much to me....

It Didn't Kill Me

I just saw my friends baby for the first time. This is the friend that I had to alienate when I lost my second pregnancy and she was in her 3rd month. I couldn't handle it. Her baby is amazing. He is beautiful- so is she. It was great seeing her. I hugged her and cried and somehow, holding her baby was healing and amazing. I am glad this happened. And though I do not have a child of my own I will hope and pray and wonder. Maybe one day. What's important is that I saw my friend. I saw her baby. I touched them both and it didn't kill me. It made me stronger.

Cannot Find My Way Home

It seems no matter how hard I try I cannot find my way home. Where I was before I got pregnant. Where I was before I lost two babies in miscarriage. It seems that this deep seeded anger and hurt will not go away. They just bury themselves deeper. Oh, sure, I am able to laugh with the best of them again... tell a joke, be with friends... go to work without hiding in a bathroom stall, even eat. But I cannot shake the pain. The emptiness. The feeling of "I should have had a baby right now."

I see Britney Spears splashed everywhere with her bump. Now, Jennifer Garner. My friends... my family... it is everywhere and always a big fat reminder of what I can't have and what I don't have.

Do I think having a baby will complete me? No. It won't make me happy. We are the only people that can make ourselves happy. But to have the loss is so hard- so terribly sad. I see so many people let their children run wild with no supervision and it is so unfair... why do they get to have kids and I don't? What did I do wrong?

I am in tears today... and have been thinking about my blog and thinking about writing... and what has happened to me since I lost the babies is that I cannot have any down time. It is near impossible for me to be idle. I used to be able to stare out the window and daydream.... now I have to be doing something. I have to have my hands busy. I have to be busy period- even when the moment calls for relaxation and down time.

I am physically tired and have been ill for three days straight because of this new "busy habit." I am often too tired to even daydream anymore. I am always concerned that the floor is swept and the windows clean... far before daydreams.

I had my interview with Aliza- she came to the house camera and all to talk about miscarriage. http://www.moonbowproductions.com/ Silly me... I thought I could get through the process without shedding a tear. HA! Who in the fuck was I kidding? The camera rolled and tears were streaming out my eyes. I had to recall every detail- and was thankful for the experience... though didn't need to "go there" again really. I hope that the documentary gets wide distribution. please show your interest- tell your stories. The more WE talk and share the more OTHERS will listen to our pain and sadness and realize that miscarriage is a LOSS and needs to be recognized in all communities around the world, especially, the medical community, who so blatantly has a disregard for the entire phenomenon. Please show your support for this "in process" documentary and for the topic of miscarriage anywhere you can. We need voice and words to this frequent tragedy... Nobody wants to talk about it.... I can't not.

So, tears still fall. Babies are still being born. Strollers occupy the parks and streets. Babies laugh. My arms feel empty. My soul still heavy.