All That I Have Learned....

It has been almost three years since I have been active on this blog. I keep it so close to my heart and I still get letters and emails often from people telling me their personal stories of pain and loss. Writing this blog has helped me cope with painful losses/ miscarriage(s).

I am so thankful that someone out there is reading and my words might be helping in some small way. If this is the case I have accomplished what I set out to do and that was to become a blog resource for you and to remind you that you aren't alone.

I want to share some new information with you that I have learned over the last few years. Some may apply to you and some won't. Skip over it.

I have become pregnant again and am due to deliver just a few days before we celebrate our daughter's 3 birthday. Trust me - it has been an adjustment! (Read GO GIRL! for more information on the journey. My immediate thoughts, to this day are .... what if we lose it?

How will I make it through the first 12 weeks sane - and then the rest of the pregnancy? Those questions do not go away even if you have had a successful birth. Somehow, they were really out of control for the first 12 weeks...of the first and now second pregnancy. I kept waiting for the ball to drop and I was in sheer denial all together. Self preservation, what can I say?

The pregnancy pursued but complications ensued early on - and this is what I want to share with you. I mentioned in an earlier post that you MUST find the best OBGYN possible. I don't care if you have to meet 10 before you find the one you like. THEY are working for you! They have to know you are going to have a laundry list of needs and will be needing a higher level of attention than someone who has not experienced miscarriages, etc. Don't apologize for wanting the best care - you deserve it.

These are the things I would ask for right out of the gate: Tests for any type of blood clots or auto-immune diseases. When you are newly pregnant they can perform a blood test that will give the Doctor's a # to work with: Ask for HCG levels. If the number grows, the pregnancy is viable. If the number drops you will inevitably have a miscarriage. They have tests that they can run to identify all of this.

THINGS TO CHECK RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE!!

• -Check your thyroid
• -Do a CBC and have them watch your blood plateletts (Steriod Treatment)
• -Do a check for blood sugars even if you are early in your pregnancy (Diet, Exercise , Insulin)
• HCG Levels right when you discover you are pregnant
  

MAKE SURE when you find out you are pregnant to check HGC Levels:

HCG, or human chronicle gonadotropin, is a hormone made by the pregnancy that can be detected in the mother's blood or urine even before the woman's missed period. This hormone is what we look for with a "pregnancy test".

HCG is first detectable in the blood as early as 7-8 days after ovulation by very sensitive HCG assays (research assays). In real life, blood pregnancy tests will be positive (> 2 mIU/ml) by 10-11 days after HCG injection or LH surge.

In general, the HCG level will double every 2-3 days in early pregnancy.

85% of normal pregnancies will have the HCG level double every 72 hours.

HCG levels peak at about 8-10 weeks of pregnancy and then decline, remaining at lower levels for the rest of the pregnancy.

There is a large variation in a "normal" HCG level for any given time in pregnancy.

Pregnancies destined to miscarry or to be ectopic (tubal) pregnancies tend to show lower levels (eventually), but often have normal levels initially.

Some normal pregnancies will have quite low levels of HCG - and deliver perfect babies. Caution must be used in making too much of HCG "numbers". Ultrasound findings after 5-6 weeks of pregnancy are much more predictive of pregnancy outcome than are HCG levels.

For women that have had an HCG injection as part of their infertility treatment, the hormone will take about 5-14 days to clear from the woman's system, depending on the dose and the individual woman. This can causes problems with interpretation of pregnancy tests done earlier than 14 days after an HCG injection.

Make sure you talk to your Doctor about the benefits of taking a baby aspirin each day. Talk to your Doc about the benefits of adding progesterone into your regiment for the first 12-16 weeks if not the whole pregnancy. Many women miscarry because they simply don't have enough progesterone to hang on the the pregnancy. THIS IS SUCH AN EASY FIX!!!

Make sure you have access to a Perinatologist. Really important if you are high risk. They will do more ultra-sounds and watch the baby really closely. They will be the eyes and ears above your OBGYN.

Every woman's pregnancy is different. I had no idea that when I go pregnant my body would literally take on all of these odd disorders. Right down to back problems, Pubis Symphonists Dysfunction, Placenta Previa, Autoimmune Thrombocitapenia, Gestational Diabetes, Hypothyroidism, Anemia.

Well, that is enough to ware a person out for sure. There are so many things that can go RIGHT during a pregnancy and so many things that go wrong. Be your best advocate. If you don't know something call your Doctor.

We are do to deliver early, via C-section in July 2009. We are excited and this pregnancy had been tough physically.

I want to thank you for all of your notes, your emails. Please hang in there. Getting pregnant can be brilliant and tough. Having healthy babies is a miracle - one I don't take for granted at all. There are a lot of great resources out there now (way more than when I started writing this blog in 2004.) Take advantage of the information but don't go on information overload.

Email me at ashley@ashersolutions.com I love hearing from you!

Coming Back Around

It has been a long, long time since I have written. I wanted to keep this "place" sacred and dedicated to miscarriage and finding my way home. I started writing this blog when I experienced my first miscarriage. I wrote to try and escape the pain. This was my hide out. This is where I came in the middle of the night when people were sleeping and I was weeping. This place has been so very important to me. I visit it often.

I wrote more and more after I lost the second pregnancy. I got really angry and really determined to figure out what was 'wrong with me?' I went through a battery of tests. I remember talking with my husband a few months after we lost the second pregnancy. We talked for a really long time about what our lives would look like if we didn't have children. We talked about how that would feel and if that is something we could live with? We talked about adopting. We talked about trying, one more time... just one more time.

And we did. We tried. And through medical intervention, I was able to carry a pregnancy and give birth to our daughter in July 2006. We felt as if we had witnessed a miracle. We still feel this. She is amazing. We are so blessed. I am thankful everyday.

Almost two years has passed since I gave birth. And I still don't ever forget about the babies that came before. I won't ever forget. They are part of our lives.

I have had a few friends recently who have lost pregnancies and I am so very sad for them. I ache and wish I could say something that would make the pain go away. What I have learned is that the pain just dulls. As time goes on... you get used to the losses. I am not sure it every feels okay. We learn to live with the loss.

When I look back I wonder, how in the hell did I manage? How did I find the guts to get pregnant? Truth is... I was a wreck through my entire 3rd pregnancy. No doubt about it. I would pee and just wait for the other shoe to drop - for 9+ months. Not a fun way to live - but it was the reality. And it was worth every single minute.

To this day we are still testing for the causes to my miscarriages. I recently had to have surgery, totally random, due to very painful endemetreosis. During the surgery they ran tests and found that I actually DID NOT have a blood clotting disorder - like we once suspected. Rather, I don't make enough progesterone and I also do not break down folic acid normally. So random.

There are so many things that can go wrong. So many things that can go right. The bottom line is the entire pregnancy thing is a miracle. I know, I know... cliche. But true.

We are wondering if baby #2 is something we want to try for. We are torn. Pregnancy is so hard and scary. The results so unpredictable and amazing. We have a lot to think about for sure. And I am just so thankful that I came to this special place - where I wrote and continue to write. It has been my refuge. My sanity. And I am also so happy that if this place is safe and helpful for one other person -who is suffering and sad, scared and angry - then I have made a difference and that is huge.

When I lost the babies, I didn't know who to turn to, who to talk to. There wasn't anything out there - that I could relate to. I hope, if you have landed here - that it helps.

More to come,

Ashley

Brilliance

She's here. I can't believe it. I waited all my life for her... and she is here. Scout Elizabeth Kingsley was born on July 13th, 2006. Our baby girl - she is with us now. I was on bed rest for a large part of my pregnancy - and couldn't write - was too distracted, too scared, too tired. I never knew if she would make it - but she did. So, after two sad and difficult losses, we have a baby girl. She is now almost 10 weeks old and is the love of our lives. I can't imagine life without her and we feel so blessed.

Life is so unpredictable. I never thought I would lose two pregnancies - and for me they were babies. And I never thought I would have a blood clotting disorder which we have learned is genetic and my father passed it to me. I also didn't think that I would develop a blood platelet's problem at 6 months. Long story - but another disorder with my blood. I never imagined that I would have a C-Section and was thrilled when she came out two weeks early because my back was so bad it was recommended that I not attempt labor. I never thought that being a Mom would bring me total and complete peace after a life filled with anxiety. I never thought I could love so much, so unconditionally, so fast.

Scout has taught me so much. Losing taught me so much. And without losing the first two I wouldn't know Scout. The mere order of things would have changed everything.

I believe there are no coincidences...

I am breathing easy now... and enjoying each and every second.

Belly

Today, I am fifteen weeks pregnant. Getting through the first trimester was tough - but we did it. With all the sickness, tiredness, hormonal changes and worry that we might miscarry, I have to say it wasn't pretty.

But we are plugging along. With lots of worry for sure. I thought I would breathe easier after the first tirmester - but I think having pregnancy after two miscarriages is very difficult. One would expect the worst I suppose.

This is a blog for those who have suffered the very silent and tragic loss of a baby through miscarriage. Now that I am carrying a baby I write less. I know what some of you that have lost must feel when you read this post written by a now pregnant woman.

What I do want to say is this:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE
YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT - BUT IT TAKES TIME
TALK ABOUT YOUR LOSS - DON'T SUFFER IN SILENCE
BELIEVE IN YOUR BODY -TRUST
FIND A GOOD DOCTOR - AND I MEAN GOOOOD DOCTOR
TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR MEDICAL LIFE - DON'T LET DOCTORS RUN IT FOR YOU
BELIEVE... THAT YOUR TIME WILL COME

I don't know much - but these are the things I have learned. For now, I am pregnant. I am counting my blessings. I am thankful. Cautious. And I know you are out there. Just remember you aren't alone... there are so many of US out there and WE don't have to do this alone.

Be well,

What I Have Learned...

If I didn't have two miscarriages I would not know that I have a blood disorder. For that I am thankful. After the second miscarriage I guess when I did my blood work they discovered (but did not tell me) that I have a blood disorder called "Anti-Thrombin 3". I have neglected to do any reading on this disorder as of yet. I am trying to focus on the fetus inside of me and taking care of myself.

Today, I am 7 weeks along. Due to the blood disorder I am taking baby asprin and prednisone to help with the clotting. Apparently, my previous pregnancies never had a fighting chance. When you have a blood clotting disorder the fetus cannot receive all the nourishment that is needs to survive. Who knew? Apparently, had my second pregnancy had some kind of intervention - it could have been saved. Now that will keep you up at night- especially since my last OBGYN neglected to even mention I had the disorder and never did an intervention? How can science be so ... inconsistant?

Needless to say... I am pregnant now... and I have to say... I am feeling crazy in general with the steroids and the hormones (they also have me on progesterone). I am totally irrational and pick fights at any given opportunity. I am on partial bed rest and bored. YES... I am willing to go through this BY ALL MEANS. And... I am crazy. I think my husband has about had it with my shitty attitude.

I grew overnight and went from my clothes to maternity clothes (at 6.5) weeks... how is that possible? I am not kidding... I look three months pregnant. And while, again, I welcome the changes, it is quite shocking! My whole body spread out... it is the most amazing thing I have ever seen! Exciting and a bit confusing I think.

We saw a heartbeat- a little blink...like a tiny little star... so tiny. And it is still - day by day.. just waiting. Hoping. Praying.

I feel lucky. Also, a but isolated for some reason. Lonely... alone. Not sure why?