tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-102000362011-12-20T17:19:45.732-07:00MISCARRIAGE: FINDING MY WAY HOMETHIS BLOG IS FOR THE COUNTLESS SILENT SUFFERERS WHO HAVE LOST BABIES THROUGH MISCARRIAGE. HERE, YOU CAN READ, SHARE, FIND OTHER RELATED RESOURCES AND TOGETHER WE CAN FIND OUR WAY BACK HOME. PLEASE SHARE THIS SITE WITH OTHERS WHO MAY NEED A PLACE LIKE THIS.Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.comBlogger731100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-54541112169927638992009-06-10T23:30:00.015-06:002009-09-23T23:15:21.466-06:00All That I Have Learned....It has been almost three years since I have been active on this blog. I keep it so close to my heart and I still get letters and emails often from people telling me their personal stories of pain and loss. Writing this blog has helped me cope with painful losses/ miscarriage(s).I am so thankful that someone out there is reading and my words might be helping in some small way. If this is the Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-54954342101116795332008-02-04T23:22:00.001-07:002008-12-09T08:06:14.649-07:00Coming Back AroundIt has been a long, long time since I have written. I wanted to keep this "place" sacred and dedicated to miscarriage and finding my way home. I started writing this blog when I experienced my first miscarriage. I wrote to try and escape the pain. This was my hide out. This is where I came in the middle of the night when people were sleeping and I was weeping. This place has been so very Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1158732633740797362006-09-20T00:02:00.000-06:002008-12-09T08:06:14.875-07:00BrillianceShe's here. I can't believe it. I waited all my life for her... and she is here. Scout Elizabeth Kingsley was born on July 13th, 2006. Our baby girl - she is with us now. I was on bed rest for a large part of my pregnancy - and couldn't write - was too distracted, too scared, too tired. I never knew if she would make it - but she did. So, after two sad and difficult losses, we have a baby girl. Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1138830854432108822006-02-01T14:45:00.000-07:002006-02-01T14:54:14.463-07:00BellyToday, I am fifteen weeks pregnant. Getting through the first trimester was tough - but we did it. With all the sickness, tiredness, hormonal changes and worry that we might miscarry, I have to say it wasn't pretty. But we are plugging along. With lots of worry for sure. I thought I would breathe easier after the first tirmester - but I think having pregnancy after two miscarriages is very Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1134150293520330442005-12-09T10:30:00.000-07:002005-12-09T17:15:12.810-07:00What I Have Learned...If I didn't have two miscarriages I would not know that I have a blood disorder. For that I am thankful. After the second miscarriage I guess when I did my blood work they discovered (but did not tell me) that I have a blood disorder called "Anti-Thrombin 3". I have neglected to do any reading on this disorder as of yet. I am trying to focus on the fetus inside of me and taking care of myself. Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1133208829866047912005-11-28T13:30:00.000-07:002005-12-09T17:14:14.606-07:00Hurry Up and WaitAfter several months of peeing on sticks and wishing, hoping, wishing that we would get pregnant... we are. We are pregnant!! Not that fertility has ever been the issue. Keeping the pregnancy is. We found out about two weeks ago. I have to say there isn't a whole lot of "celebrating" going on. I think it is self-preservation?I am happy and scared and terrified and excited and hopeful and thankfulAshley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1131681886985790302005-11-10T20:54:00.000-07:002005-11-10T21:04:47.000-07:00Take Your Business Elsewhere!People have now caught onto the BLOG. Now… like everything else people have to find a way to capitalize on somethingand abuse its original intention.I come to the space to write about MISCARRIAGE. I come here to talk about my feelings and emotions as they relate to having lost two pregnancies and how it affects my life, my family and my choices as a women.I write about pain. I write about growth.Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1129797334882745762005-10-20T02:40:00.000-06:002005-10-20T02:35:34.893-06:00For Fucks Sake...I like that saying... "For Fucks Sake." There is a ring to it. Something about the word FUCK is really comforting. Some find it so terribly awful. I enjoy it. So, here we are... lets see... it is 2:30am and I am awake. Imagine that? I am not sure why I cannot sleep... could it have something to do with the fact that I have phantom pregnancies every month... and that I am up at all hours of the Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1124686715271743282005-08-21T22:47:00.000-06:002005-08-21T23:02:30.030-06:00Pissing MonstersIt has been far to long since I have written. Partially, I was getting further and further away from some of the pain and thought taking a break would be good. In reality, on July 4th, the day I was to give birth- my husband and I tried to conceive. I thought that would make me feel better... and it did.We tried at all the right times. And soon enough, I had the signs. I knew it! Yeah, I am Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1120171351216231042005-06-30T16:45:00.000-06:002005-06-30T16:42:31.220-06:00Should Be Giving BirthI should be giving birth this weekend... I was due July 4th. This has got me by the balls. I did not anticipate the due date to wreck me so. But it is. I feel such an emptiness... one that no matter what I do, I cannot fill. Let me tell you... I have bought more summer tops at TJMAXX than I will ever be able to wear in a year. I bought DVD's which I NEVER do... I rarely need to see a movie more Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1119499362113780882005-06-22T21:57:00.000-06:002005-06-22T22:02:42.130-06:00Shits & GigglesI have successfully held several babies in the last few weeks. Without crying or feeling envious or sad. I have seen big pregnant bellies... and will admit that I was a little envious of that. I have heard screaming babies... and I have to say... I am NOT envious of that.I think about pregnancy every day. I think about my miscarriages, every day. I have gotten to a place where I believe I am "Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1118172302017314952005-06-07T13:20:00.000-06:002005-06-07T13:25:02.033-06:00As IsI am at the point where I can hold babies and be around them. It feels like a giant leap. Something has lifted. I am doing better. It has been one year ago June 9th that I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I cannot believe how fast the year has gone and at the same time I can't believe how long and difficult the last year has been. On July 4th, I was supposed to give birth to a Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1116642150992160962005-05-20T20:04:00.000-06:002005-05-20T20:22:30.996-06:00Miscarriage OutloudI can't tell you how many people have written over the course of the last 5 months regarding miscarriage. I originally started writing this blog because I needed a place to grieve on my terms. I needed a place where I could go whenever I needed to and write, cry, tell my story, find some sort of peace, if only for a moment.Not only have I been able to do all of these things- I have also been Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1116368286887282962005-05-17T16:15:00.000-06:002005-05-17T16:19:21.826-06:00It Didn't Kill MeI just saw my friends baby for the first time. This is the friend that I had to alienate when I lost my second pregnancy and she was in her 3rd month. I couldn't handle it. Her baby is amazing. He is beautiful- so is she. It was great seeing her. I hugged her and cried and somehow, holding her baby was healing and amazing. I am glad this happened. And though I do not have a child of my own I willAshley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1115779311134462122005-05-10T20:32:00.000-06:002005-05-10T20:46:16.903-06:00Cannot Find My Way HomeIt seems no matter how hard I try I cannot find my way home. Where I was before I got pregnant. Where I was before I lost two babies in miscarriage. It seems that this deep seeded anger and hurt will not go away. They just bury themselves deeper. Oh, sure, I am able to laugh with the best of them again... tell a joke, be with friends... go to work without hiding in a bathroom stall, even eat. ButAshley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1114488019417154662005-04-25T21:44:00.000-06:002005-04-25T22:00:19.420-06:00We Don't Have to Suffer Alone...This coming weekend I will meet with someone from the miscarriage blogging community. This will be a wonderful experience. She is doing interviews throughout the west about miscarriage and women's experiences. She is writing a book and creating a documentary on the subject.My hope is that her book is published widely and that her documentary takes off. The topic of miscarriage is so UNDER Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1114208728605843812005-04-22T16:30:00.000-06:002005-04-25T21:44:36.170-06:00I Am There... Holding Your HandI have been thinking and dreaming a lot about the birth of babies. I have a friend who is four days over due to give birth...right now... and I have this vision of being in the room while she delivers her baby. In this vision I am very happy for her. I am very happy for me for being happy for her. I see this as growth. But this vision will not happen. Not because I am not happy for her. But I hadAshley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1113346400638948832005-04-12T16:47:00.000-06:002005-04-12T16:53:20.640-06:00Don't Say That!**This is a guide for those you love who just haven't a CLUE on what to say to you in your time of pain from the loss of a child. Print this out and give it to them. They will understand. Miscarriage rates are often said to be about one in every five pregnancies. This means that we will all know someone who has experienced a miscarriage in our lives. In trying to be helpful and caring we often Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1113345867445357742005-04-12T16:42:00.000-06:002005-04-12T16:44:27.446-06:00How Can Britney Crack My Shell?Okay, this is totally irrational… I get that. Britney Spears is officially pregnant. Yeah! She will be a young mom and that is great. But in reading this news (even though it has been speculated over the last few weeks) I can’t help but feel my stomach churn. I even went to her website to double check. And yes, it is true. I just can’t believe that something like Britney Spears (someone I do Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1113192911659602192005-04-10T22:06:00.000-06:002005-04-11T20:59:50.953-06:00Pain & ConfusionHow can one lose two babies.... suffer the total pain and sadness of miscarriage for months on end... and then wonder if they want to even be a mother?I am totally confused. After the first miscarriage I KNEW I wanted to be a Mom. Every priority was put in check... I wanted to be a MOM no matter what!Then the second miscarriage... so much pain... still.And now I wonder... "Is this what I really Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1112843243307087592005-04-06T21:05:00.000-06:002005-04-06T21:12:39.056-06:00Pregnant Workers Report Growing DiscriminationBy Stephanie Armour, USA TODAYThe number of women claiming they've been discriminated against on the job because they're pregnant is soaring even as the birth rate declines.Mailyn Pickler, 23, was fired from an auto dealership a week after she revealed her pregnancy.Pregnancy discrimination complaints filed with the federal Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) jumped 39% from fiscal Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1112842547764386242005-04-06T20:55:00.000-06:002005-04-06T21:11:57.156-06:00Little Dreams of Pink LinesSo the new job started and all is well. It is nice to be working in a business environment again after being in the non-profit. I love what the non-profs ultimately DO... But I tell ya what I have never seen such a dysfunctional environment as I have in the one I just left. So bad, in fact, that I went to the board of directors and they are now in the process of an internal investigation. They Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1112169208411155462005-03-30T00:52:00.000-07:002005-03-30T00:55:09.060-07:00Social and Personal ExpectationsSo here I am… almost four months after my second miscarriage and eight months after my first miscarriage. It is amazing how time really puts a gap between such pain and loss and spreads it further and further from the dripping and aching heart that I once had. My heart still aches… don’t get me wrong. I still see strollers loud and clear. I see bouncing babies everywhere. I see big, round belliesAshley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1111911374437891292005-03-27T01:13:00.000-07:002005-03-27T01:16:56.036-07:00What's My Temperature?Every morning I wake with the sound of a frog. The frog ribbets his way into my dreams and stirs me awake. I hit snooze at least four times before I actually even open my eyes. I have a nature alarm clock. I can wake to birds but that is way too annoying. I can wake to a heartbeat but I know I wouldn’t even budge to the heartbeat, it is way to soft. I can choose a waterfall, the sound of waves Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1111184883091528802005-03-18T15:40:00.000-07:002005-03-18T15:30:13.706-07:00The Source of Fear and Denial...A Readers PostI recently got an email regarding my last post that I would like to share with all of you. I found this post to be really unnecessary. If you are out there are you take the time to read my blog and have the balls to tell ME to "get over it" then you are the very source and cause of why PEOPLE DO NOT TALK about miscarriage or recognize it as a HUGE LOSS. YOU are the very source of denial and fear.Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1111121575886474702005-03-17T22:00:00.000-07:002005-03-17T22:00:57.913-07:00A Little History...I found this piece and wanted to share. This was written after my first miscarriage in July 2004.We lost our baby. Bob and I found out we were pregnant on June 5th, 2004 and lost the baby on July 15th, 2004. I had gotten so incredibly bonded with the baby growing inside of me. It is amazing how close you can become to something you haven’t even met or seen. I lay awake most nights thinking of theAshley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1111005978912608862005-03-16T13:44:00.000-07:002005-03-16T13:46:18.930-07:00Falling Off the StirrupsThis is funny now... but it wasn't yesterday.Going in for an Endometrial Biop is supposed to be very painful. So... on my way to the OB I popped a vicadon (pain killer) as they would not give me any anesthesia at the OB for this test (don't ask me why). SO! I am feeling pretty damn good- as I don't drink, smoke, indulge in caffeine- I am straight as they come. So, one vicoden made me feel pretty Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1110924948947444002005-03-15T15:15:00.000-07:002005-03-15T15:15:48.960-07:00Endometrial BiopsyYeah!!! I get to go in to my OBGYN in a few minutes for an Endometrial Biopsy... My vagina is like a public science project. Not cool. I am now, after my horrifying experience with the HSG (battery acid shot into uterus) afraid of a speculum. Yep. I am done with the cold metal speculums that pry open my vagina on a regular basis in search of something. And how I love when the Doc's say "schoooch Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1110760174782597552005-03-13T17:39:00.000-07:002005-03-13T19:03:47.506-07:00Phantom PregnancyIn all my years of being a hypochondriac I have never heard of phantom pregnancy or as the medical community calls it pseudocyesis. I have taken 3 pregnancy tests because I feel so PREGNANT. And really, since the tests come up negative I have to attribute my new physical experience to pseudocyesis. Here is a brief description:What is it?A phantom, or false pregnancy, is a condition in which a Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1110517937042576492005-03-10T22:12:00.000-07:002005-03-11T10:28:16.866-07:00PeeingI started peeing a lot today...oh, how interesting you say! But truly… I know that pee. That pee that means you gotta’ go NOW!I noticed this morning that I had been peeing more than normal.Hmm, I thought… could it be possible?Seeing as I just learned my left fallopian tube is closed for business and no chance of remodel, I wonder?If I count the months I did in fact get pregnant (June & October) Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1110392387369335992005-03-09T11:52:00.000-07:002005-03-09T11:50:34.526-07:00FRIDA AND THE MISCARRIAGEFrida and the Miscarriage I am fascinated by miscarriage in a way that makes me want to understand it. My own miscarriages have been one dimensional and nonetheless excruciating and painful to my heart and soul. In my quest for understanding I have found some intimate and profound information that I would like to share with you. Somehow, some of these stories, ideas, pictures and notions heal me.Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1110087053215278772005-03-05T22:30:00.000-07:002005-03-07T12:00:58.736-07:00I Can Do This... We Can Do This...Okay...So I thought I was "growing" and I probably am. Last night we went to an art walk and I swear to god every person we saw had a child under two. There were more strollers than I could count... and the cutest baby girl hats I have ever seen. It went unspoken but I know Bob saw it and I know my mom saw it... babies and parent's everywhere.I felt for my mom last night because I know how badly Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1109982911111572462005-03-04T17:35:00.000-07:002005-03-05T22:32:44.250-07:00GrowingWith each day the loss of our babies grows further away. The pain however weighs in. Sometimes I feel as if I am a tree and my branches are heavy with snow... slowly the snow begins to melt and I am able to move again. I am able to feel the sun on my cheeks and see things I haven't seen perhaps, ever. It is a slow awakening from a long, dark, ugly, terrible, awful nightmare...Some days are so Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1109910419601306712005-03-03T21:26:00.000-07:002005-03-03T21:28:26.686-07:00Tired of Being TiredAnger I thought about my fallopian tube a lot today. I wonder when it closed. I wonder how I got pregnant twice in six months with such ease. I wonder why my little tube decided to close... I guess I will never know.But somehow, it really saddens me. Like a part of my body has died. A piece of me has thrown the towel in and called it quits. And I never would have known probably if it weren't Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1109823760709273402005-03-02T21:21:00.000-07:002005-03-02T21:24:40.390-07:00Closed for BusinessI got my test results from my HSG. Though, they were not what I expected. I thought my uterus would be abnormally shaped- or that I would have polyps. But what they found is that my left fallopian tube is closed.Hearing this news was quite odd. I have been able to get pregnant, no problem. But come to find that my little fallopian tube that I thought was so trusty has closed itself inside of me Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1109737116896941632005-03-01T21:18:00.000-07:002005-03-01T21:24:15.580-07:00And They Said It Wouldn't Be Painful....Pain Who knew that there were different sized speculums? I never knew... and all this time - each exam- the opening of my vagina - with a huge, steel speculum... always causing tears and pain... screams from the deepest part of my woman soul...Today, when I went in for my HSG - hysterosalpingogram which is an X-ray of the uterus and fallopian tubes which allows visualization of the inside of Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1109205043313077272005-02-23T17:30:00.000-07:002005-02-23T17:36:14.386-07:00My Blood is GoodWoman in a Seabrook After several weeks of waiting for my blood tests results I almost forgot about them. I figured if something was wrong the OBGYN would call. She called today. But the problem is all my blood is normal. Why is that a problem you ask? Well, first of all, it would seem that losing two babies in a six month period of time could be explained with something that might be wrong with Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1109037847773986362005-02-21T19:04:00.000-07:002005-02-21T19:06:22.513-07:00Our Babies Have a HomeOur Babies Have a Home Bob suggested we take the mittens right away. As I sat at my computer writing the last blog I didn't think I could stand up, let alone go hang my lost babies mittens on a tree next to a gravesite of a long lost friend.But we did it. Bob hung the blue mittens with a note inside. I hung the green mittens with a note tucked away as well. I took pictures with the digital cameraAshley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1109032435307381452005-02-21T17:37:00.000-07:002005-02-21T18:47:56.790-07:00Hanging MittensSo many women pay tribute to their lost babies. And for the last few months, after losing two babies, I think this has been too painful a thought. I cannot clip an angel pin to my blazers- that just isn't me. I cannot buy birth stones as my babies we not born. I admit, I have ridiculed the symbols in my mind and have not been able to understand how doing something symbolic to honor my unborn Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1108854114289223182005-02-19T16:01:00.000-07:002005-02-19T16:06:18.353-07:00What Do You Say To The Dead...Woman Crying Someone told me recently that all souls choose their time. They choose their parent's and they choose their length of stay. I am not sure if this was a comforting thought for me. All I can think is "why didn't my two little souls choose to stay with us?" If this philosophy is true, then why didn't my babies want to stay? What made it that their stay had to be so entirely too short onAshley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1108610391803041492005-02-16T20:19:00.000-07:002005-02-20T21:14:53.786-07:00Fish Bowl BabiesI keep dreaming of dead babies. I don't know why- but they are dead. I always feel like a bystander and there is nothing I can do.How awful it is to wake in the morning and still feel helpless and unable to save my babies from dying.Sometimes I dream that I see a baby growing in a fish bowl... I watch it as it grows... like one of those toys you I use to emerge in water and watch it expand to theAshley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1108524187699664312005-02-15T20:25:00.000-07:002005-02-15T20:23:07.706-07:00What the Hell Do I Want Anyway?I have no idea what I want from day to day. Some days I picture myself as a high powered executive in the business world...Other days I am a mom holding a baby. After having 2 miscarriages I feel confused. Some days I am absolute in what I want. And what I want is to try again...Have hope...Grow big...Give birth and be a mom to a beautiful child. Other days I question myself and my entire "plan" Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1108076749198443702005-02-10T16:15:00.000-07:002005-02-10T16:05:49.196-07:00Tears on the WindowsillI can hear my tears. They are loud and silky. My face has trails for them so when they fall they have a map to guide them to their landing place.
Sometimes I look out the window of our bedroom. I love this particular window. It looks over a big beautiful yellow house with a big yard and a rooftop deck. I never see anyone in or around the house...
I imagine one day that I will live in a home Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1107917184436041982005-02-08T19:47:00.000-07:002005-02-08T19:46:24.436-07:00Two Baby Showers... and a Bathroom StallI walked into work today and there were streamers and balloons for Anne who is giving birth in March. "Hi Baby Griffin" the streamers read... and from there I knew it would be a tough day. There was a whole baby shower, potluck adventure around Anne's baby to come. All the way to work I told myself that if it were me they would do this as well. That it is a tiny human live joining the world and Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1107839764442850882005-02-07T22:35:00.000-07:002005-02-07T22:25:21.846-07:00Experiential Women's GroupTonight, after choosing not to go through traditional therapy I began an Experiential Women's Group that has a Hakomi based philosophy.
"Hakomi Experiential Psychotherapy combines the Eastern traditions of mindfulness and non-violence with a unique, highly effective Western methodology. Hakomi is a body-centered, somatic psychotherapy. The body's structures and habitual patterns become a Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1107636824700621892005-02-05T14:53:00.000-07:002005-02-05T14:17:00.476-07:00A Woman by the Light of the Moon
A women by the Light of the MoonDesperateSadAloneEmptyA women by the light of the moon.She stares off to see if she can catch a shooting starglide through the nightperhaps it is her babiessoaring through the airwing-tipped and strongjust not in her armsA woman by the light of the moonShe cannot touch their toestheir noseshe cannot smell themhear themhold themA woman by the light of the Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1107636832773424622005-02-05T14:50:00.000-07:002005-02-05T14:24:05.920-07:00I Take Thee ChildI Take Thee Child
A Parent’s Vows
I take thee young one,
To be my beloved child
I take thee to have:
As my God given trust and responsibility,
This mortal parenthood my proud calling.
I take thee to hold close
while you are small and helpless,
close as you may grow
when my arms, eyes and ears
my hands, tongue and heart
can give comfort,
but with pliable heart strings
not apron strings.
I take Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1107636568202548652005-02-05T14:47:00.000-07:002005-02-05T13:49:28.203-07:00Baby Kingsley DiedJuly 16th, 2004
Dear Little Baby,
You died. You died about two and a half weeks ago. Today, I would have been 11 weeks pregnant with you. Somehow, we lost you along the way and your little soul has left us. We are devastated. Your little life inside my belly made my heart flutter and gave me such purpose. Your father never worked harder, and had new inspiration to make life for you and Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1107636435689544752005-02-05T14:46:00.000-07:002005-02-05T14:40:27.626-07:00Hey BabyJuly 14, 2004
Hey Baby,
It has been a few weeks since I wrote to you. Now, you are 10 ½ weeks old. Growing by leaps and bounds each day I am sure. Your father and I saw the first Ultra Sound about two weeks ago. We saw your little heartbeat, and your little body in my womb. It was beautiful. Striking actually. The ultrasound was a great experience- it confirmed for your Dad and I that you Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1107636381626925532005-02-05T14:43:00.000-07:002005-02-05T13:46:21.626-07:00Hello Baby KingsleyJune 23, 2004
Hello Baby,
Your Mommy has been so tired! All I want to do is sleep. And do! I don’t have a job right now, so I have a huge luxury of being able to sleep almost as much as I want! It is glorious! You are growing inside of me everyday. Now, I think we are at about 7 ½ weeks. I can feel my uterus expand… and I am hungry, even when I just ate! I am reading all the pregnancy Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1107636191309899342005-02-05T14:39:00.000-07:002005-02-05T14:41:01.150-07:00A Letter to TLC**This is a letter I wrote to the Learning Channel when I was pregnant the first time in June 2004. I was entering a contest to have a room in our home decorated - we wanted a nursery but couldn't afford it.**www.tlc.com
June 2004
We have been working on our house for 5 months- painting, putting in hardwood floors, getting new furniture...you name it. AND THEN WHAM!!! I found out I am pregnant,Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1107634927722382162005-02-05T14:19:00.000-07:002005-02-05T14:25:06.166-07:00When I Was Pregnant With YouJune 16, 2004
I knew something was off on the Sunday your father and I found out we were pregnant with you. I wasn’t feeling well from the time I got up, and knew that there were tons of things that needed to be done, after all, we were right in the middle of remodeling our house. I felt tired, and just under the weather. I never had a cough or even a sneeze, but I wanted to do NOTHING that dayAshley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1107582237888919802005-02-04T22:43:00.000-07:002005-02-05T13:18:13.310-07:00
Mary Nonde -Today, five out of six women miscarry an alarming statistic which is worth taking seriously.
http://www.positivehealth.com/permit/Articles/Womens%20Health/nonde54.htm
Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1107554118986396592005-02-04T15:55:00.000-07:002005-02-04T14:57:57.746-07:00A Bundle of JoyThis week I was supposed to give birth to our first child. Instead I found myself at my OBGYN's office getting my first round of tests for "Re-Occurant Misccarriages." They tested my sugar levels and who the hell knows what else. All I know is there were 12 viles of my blood laying on the Phlebotomists table when I was done and I almost passed out.
When I arrived home there was a package at my Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1107490276153325452005-02-03T21:11:00.000-07:002005-02-05T13:33:19.366-07:00Sunflowers Make Me Happy...
Sunflower
Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1107316030889825662005-02-01T20:48:00.000-07:002005-02-05T13:33:57.800-07:00We Won't CelebrateMy first child would have been born this week. February 6th, 2005 was my first due date. On February 6th of 2005 I will only know a sense of loss.
We won't be bringing a baby home- not yet.
I am not really sure how I feel.
Cheated for sure. But on the actual day I am not sure what to think? What would it have been like? What would it have been like to bring home a brand new healthy baby Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1106872510607373452005-01-27T17:35:00.001-07:002005-02-05T13:38:19.140-07:00Ashley & Bobby - My Loving Husband
Ashley & Bob September 2004
Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1106872615331508822005-01-27T17:35:00.000-07:002005-02-05T13:32:52.146-07:00LuckyToday, I just feel really lucky to have such a wonderful family, amazing dogs and a good support system. I am tired and sad today- but I am lucky.
Still at work as well... 6:00pm. Long, hard week.
Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1106872413686109882005-01-27T17:33:00.000-07:002005-02-05T13:31:56.990-07:00
Luna and Levi
Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1106777680534989352005-01-26T14:57:00.000-07:002005-02-05T14:15:03.020-07:00My Pregnant Friends...I can't help avoid my pregnant friends. I have two friends who are pregnant right now and I cannot even go near them, let alone call, write or even answer the phone when they call.
Selfish? Absolutely. But I can't help it. I honestly can't.
They are succeeding where I didn't. And normally this would be okay if they were succeeding at their golf game, or they had more money, fame, better job... Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1106630139333410262005-01-24T22:15:00.000-07:002005-01-24T22:15:39.333-07:00Sunflower Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1106630647106573382005-01-24T22:08:00.000-07:002005-02-05T13:35:10.296-07:00HopeI just hope. I hope for good timing. A round belly. A healthy pregnancy. A bouncing baby. I do hope. Though, I have moments, even days where hope is strained and pessimism sets in like a flu. I hope for a chance to be a Mom and to see my husband as a Dad. What two greater honors are there in this life?
I realize that life is not ALL about becoming pregnant or having a child. I also know that I Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1106614652664476092005-01-24T17:51:00.000-07:002005-02-05T14:13:59.633-07:00Strollers and Pregnant Women All I see some days are strollers. Pregnant women ready to POP. I turn the corner and I see one after the other after the other. They are everywhere!
I feel vacant. Like an old motel on a deserted road, late in the night, with a sign that reads "VACANT" in neon pink. The "T" on VACANT is half -lit, it needs a new bulb.
I am vacant of a child in my womb, my arms, my breast. I have room but Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1106540305240911952005-01-23T21:06:00.000-07:002005-02-05T13:28:55.736-07:00DREAMS....I dream....I dream in color...
When I was pregnant I dreamt of picnics and babies... nursing and names. I even felt my dreams- I could touch them and they had tactile feelings. I could feel the grass I sat on with my baby. I could touch the sky and pinch the clouds. I could hear in my dreams. The baby crying. My husband Bob saying to the baby it was going to be okay. I would cry in these dreamsAshley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1106533921006075812005-01-23T19:32:00.000-07:002005-01-23T19:32:01.006-07:00Ashley 2004 Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1106285200162201042005-01-20T22:21:00.000-07:002005-02-17T20:45:14.393-07:00TherapyI wonder if therapy is useful. It seems that I just go, verbally vomit all over the place as fast as I can because I am on the clock. It is the most expensive vomitting I have ever done except when I use to spend a ton of money when I went out drinking.Tonight I had therapy and felt no relief. I feel more relief when I write out my soul even if it is into a computer screen. It just seems to come Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1106282882263534942005-01-20T21:48:00.000-07:002005-01-20T21:48:02.263-07:00Bobby & Ashley 2004 Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1106248679215740042005-01-20T14:33:00.000-07:002005-02-05T13:28:35.013-07:00Doctor DoolittleIt has occurred to me while writing some of these posts how totally messed up my experiences have been with Doctors and Nurses over the course of my adult life. I look back through the window of my past and see many dismal visits to the Doctors office where I was told in many circumstances "they could do nothing for me." Pre-miscarriage I have been a walking, talking orb of endometriosis. What isAshley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1106197118355982902005-01-19T21:56:00.000-07:002005-02-05T13:31:36.206-07:00Death Before BirthWow! What a surprise! I was feeling just down right strange! I asked my husband Bob if we could stop by the store and get a pregnancy test on the way home just in case! We had been shopping all day and I was feeling like I had never felt before.
I peed on the stick because that is what you do when you are taking a home pregnancy test. I was pretty relaxed about it. My husband and I had been Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1106114066991656382005-01-18T23:46:00.000-07:002005-02-05T13:27:47.070-07:00So Don't Mess With MY Hormones....Okay,
So two weeks after a miscarriage it would be in MY humble and non-doctor opinion to NOT take any form of birth control pills or patch. Not only are your hormones so totally messed up as it is, adding more hormones to the confused mix is the makings of a train wreck. Yes my friends- a train wreck.
After the D&C they put me on the patch (www.orthoevra) even though I specifically told them Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1106011712062616062005-01-17T18:26:00.000-07:002005-02-05T13:27:29.416-07:00Luscious LemonFor anyone who has suffered a miscarriage or would like to support someone that has I highly recommend the book 'Luscious Lemon' by Heather Swain. About She's finally seeing the fruits of her labors. Chef Ellie “Lemon” Manelli's hip East Village bistro is suddenly all the rage; Lemon and her staff of wildly talented friends plucked from New York City's finest eateries can barely keep pace. GoodAshley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1105988448414039462005-01-17T11:50:00.000-07:002005-02-05T13:26:38.270-07:00Game FaceSo. I have a game face. Yeah. I put it on every morning before I go to work. I pull it on with my turtle neck sweater and a pair of underwear that I haven't bled in. I threw all those out on Saturday. You know, the underwear that you are wearing when you realize you are bleeding while pregnant and you aren't supposed to be?
So my game face is ON! It resembles me but really isn't. See, I am muchAshley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10200036.post-1105926129189886902005-01-16T18:08:00.000-07:002005-02-06T00:01:06.660-07:00I feel like dying....It has been 1 1/2 months since I lost our second baby in a miscarriage. It seems to be getting worse. I cannot stop crying and I am so angry I feel like hurling something through the window.
I am having nightmares and I am afraid this pain will never subside. I have the biggest knot in my stomach and I can't get rid of it. I feel like I just want to die. Like that would be better than the pain Ashley E. Kingsleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01045811657704885569noreply@blogger.com2